Fred Durst

Now some people may know William Frederick "Fred" Durst as the front man of the inexplicably popular psuedo metal/rap group Limp Bizkit, but most people know him as the biggest douche on the planet.

Information for pie chart recieved from an extensive study done by an elite team of mathemeticians.

presumably the part where he takes the cookie, and sticks it up his... yeah?

Just The Facts

  1. He was the frontman for the band Limp Bizkit, which was wildly popular in the late 90's to early 2000's (due to frequent airing of their videos on TRL) and was nominated for three Grammy Awards.
  2. His bands third studio album Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water became the fastest selling rock album ever when it sold 1.05 million copies in it's first week.
  3. Despite all this, when he claimed to have slept with both Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera both were adamant in publicly denying any sexual relations with (or even sexual attraction to) Mr.D

Why other musicians (scratch that, pretty much everyone) hate(s) Fred Durst.

Many other musicians have made their opinions about Limp Bizkit and Mr.Durst well known, and that opinion is that his music sucks and he is a giant turd.

Of the many people to publicly denounce Fred here are a few choice scenarios:

After referring to fans of Slipknot as "fat ugly kids" (would he be the pot or the kettle here? I never get this right) Mr.Durst was threatened by one of the bands percussionists. Basically after being told he would get his ass kicked if he badmouthed them again Fred went on to say on his band's website tha "We really like Slipknot and are very happy that they hate us because it makes their music heavier, angrier and real!!"

To which Slipknot basically responded that Fred was a pussy and was just scared of them. Fred would have shit himself if he was not already entirely composed of shit.

Another person who had a particular dislike for our Limp friend was Zakk Wylde of the Black Label Society. This however wasn't a personal beef, Mr.Wylde mainly criticized Fred for only caring about the superficial and celebrity aspects of the music industry. Calling him a "cheese dick" and often proclaiming during their shows that Fred was a frequent fellator. Basically Fred is a poser that got on his knees for the industry (although I really can't put it as succinctly as cheese dick).

Also when Limp Bizkit was performing on the same evening at the same venue as the band Placebo, the latter band's manager wouldn't allow Fred on stage because he didn't recognize him and thought he was some crazed fan. So when Fred got on stage he began to chant "Fuck Placebo." This led to a scrap between the two groups. (But listen Fred, is it really Placebo's fault that your not relevant enough to warrant recognition by another member of the music industry? Think about all those Grammy's you never won and get back to me.)

Besides rubbing his "contemporaries" (I use the term loosely and in quotes because I don't feel like having a bunch of metal fans trounce me for comparing their beloved Slipknot to this crazy wigga) the wrong way, as mentioned before he claimed to have nailed two of pop's most famous princesses: Xtina and Brit Brit. Both of whom straight up denied anything of the sort. A while back photos of Durst and Britney Spears were released and rumors started to fly that the two were dating. After some info came out that Durst was hired to help produce and write tracks for Spears new album (a union which I'm sure would have been pure genius), Spears went on MTV saying that she barely knew him and he wasn't her type. Basically saying "I'm BRITNEY FUCKING SPEARS, I'm the most famous bitch on the planet, America's fucking sweetheart... there is no way in HELL I'm slumming it with that scumbag." Of course at this point she had no idea that she would go on to ruin her life by marrying, arguably, an even bigger douche.

Fred Durst also performed at the 2000 VMA's with Christian Aguilera, and after getting some shit from his fans he once again claimed that he "did it all for the nookie." Christina responded by saying "he got no nookie."

His terrible music.

Limp Bizkit was undeniably popular at one point, but so were slavery, segregation, and leg warmers. Now we can all look back and realize how terrible all those things were.

Fred Durst was ranked 71st in Hit Parader's Top 100 Metal Vocalists of All Time, but considering most people would probably struggle to name even 10 metal vocalists I'm going to count that as a discredit to his talent.

Also he performed a solo during a live show that has been called one of the worst solos of all time.

That is literally worse than any 12 year old's attempt at "Stairway To Heaven" (which at least he would have the decency to do in the privacy of his garage/basement).

Now I'd like to do a little lyric analysis. A few lines from "Nookie":

I came into this world as a reject. Good opener, and I will readily agree with that statement.

Look into these eyes then you'll
See the size of the flames (the size of the)
Dwellin' on the past (past)
It's burnin' in my brain (hot)
Everyone that burns has to learn from the pain
Hey I think about the day (days)
My girlie ran away with my pay
When fella's came to (play)
play now she's stuck with my homeez that she fucked (ooh)
and i'm just a sucker with a lump in my
throat (hey)
like a chump (hey)
a like a chump (hey)
(He repeats like a chump like 50 more times)
Basically his woman has been copulating with his confidants and has been deceiving him as well as taking his hard earned income. He is left looking like a chump, like a chump, like a chump, like a chump, like a chump... so on and so forth. Truly a deep and insightful piece that takes the rhyme scheme to a whole new spectrum.

should i be feelin' bad (no)
should i be feelin' good (no)
it's kinda sad i'm the laughing stock of the neighborhood

Again I can't really disagree with him on this point, he really must taken a good long look in the mirror and taken a moral inventory. Well, either that or this song sucks and he's still a giant turd.

We'll gloss over the rest of the song so we can get to the chorus (a.k.a. the only words anyone might even faintly remember).

i did it all for the nookie (come on) the nookie (come on)
so you can take that cookie and stick it up your (yeah)
stick it up your (yeah) stick it up your (yeah)
stick it up your

I was really hoping that "yeah" meant mouth, but really we all know it means ass, and that leads me to assume that when he says "cookie" Mr.Durst means his own head. But this leads me to the question: How much of it did he really do for the nookie?

I'm going to have to say none of it.

Except that shit with Xtina.