To Blog: verb. I blog, You blog, We blog. Similar verbs: douchebaggery, twattery, disappointing your parents-ery

Just The Facts

  1. Blogging is a contraction of the term "web log" and is kept and updated at regular intervals by internet users of all walks of life. This therefore leads to a certain level of abuse by people more commonly known as "douche bags"
  2. Many blogs have captured the hearts of the internet global community. Either because they have been genuinely heart felt and written by a talented individual, or just because the writer has been 100% bat-shit insane and we simply cannot stop reading about this psychopath.
  3. Blogging is a sort of online diary, in that it is chronological and usually involves intimate and sometimes mundane facts about people's lives. The difference is of course the delusion that anyone actually gives a shit.

To blog or not to blog... there is really no question about it.

The Melodramatic Whiners

As a Brit, I am by no means adverse to whining. Complaining, whinging, moaning, whatever you wish to call it, it is all very welcome in my culture and I'll kindly ask for more of it at any time of the day. Nothing brings people together like the joint hatred of something or someone. But what I'm referring to is bloggers who for some reason believe that their life is actually very arty and gritty, and that their troubled existence is actually of interest to anyone out there.

This person probably sees this when they look in the mirror.

[Pictured: The President of France]

"I love music, but no one appreciates my band the way they should"

"No one loves me, and they never will"

"I only bought that beef yesterday and it's ALREADY gone off? WOE IS ME"

These people grate on me excessively in real life as well, but unfortunately in the virtual universe they are much more difficult to avoid. I know that clicking on the link on your facebook page will lead me to getting very annoyed in around 40 seconds but I just cannot help it.

Not even your computer gives a fuck, seriously.

The Holier Than Thous

These people exist in real life, and we are all devastated when we find out that they exist online as well. These people will usually rant over something political that they don't quite grasp intellectually, or just generally talk about how painfully cool they really are compared to your mainstream pop culture lifestyle. Yeah we all know who Morrissey is, please go shoot yourself. You are the one who is still continuing to blog more often than I eat complex carbohydrates (a lot) so I suggest you should be the one investing more time in getting a life. If this is not too displeasing to your karma, or whatever. Loser.

The Picture Over loaders

I like pictures, they make things easier to read. But confusing your blog with flickr or facebook is unacceptable. At least one paragraph of content per 100 photos, thanks.

The Sell Outs

These bloggers usually have a very aesthetically pleasing page, with photos of attractive people. They have a good grasp of adobe lightroom and a way with words. That is why their blog has over a million subscribed readers. Unfortunately for said readers, Ms. Bloggs is now no longer writing for fun, not when she can get a free pair of irregular choice shoes if she writes about how great they are and takes a few photos. This is not interesting, this is not what blogs are about. Move along, your readership has.

The Ones that write about nothing much in particular

Or just generall blabber on about their life, when nothing has happened at all. This will probably be interjected with a photogrph of their cat, while detailing an exciting evening in front of Murder She Wrote. Stop it. I read blogs to AVOID this lifestyle. To read a blog of someone who actually has nothing better to do than write a blog about activities I am currently passing on is not what I had in mind when setting out on my... oh hell I have started blabbering too. It must be contagious.

The Grade 'A' Morons

This irritation spreads farther than just bloggers, but let's confine it just for ease of classification. I don't care how interesting you are, I refuse to read your blog if you do not have a basic grasp of the english language. Poorly structured sentences, misuse of you're and's bad enough having to sift through it on a day-to-day basis on facebook, but for you to actually go to such a grand effort to annoy me... to think of a beginning, a middle and an end to your act of irritation... just amazes me. The most astonishing of all though is these people do not even care, or do not even know that what they have written is incomprehensible jibberish the majority of your readers were capable of scrawling out when they were 7. You CAN just type text straight into the blog website box, but why not run it through a word processor first? Or are you really in THAT much of a hurry to tell us how you hate your friends and wish you weren't living in a world of fakers... brb just gonna get my nails dun megalolzzzzzzz.