Lurtz

So, you're Saruman and you want to take the One Ring from that annoying Frodo and his gay friends. Who you gonna call ?

Just The Facts

  1. Lurtz is sent to get the One Ring and kill everyone within a ten mile radius of it.
  2. Lurtz is also an alcoholic, and by alcohol we mean the blood of his helpless victims.
  3. Lurtz's name is actually never spoken out loud in any Lord of the Rings movie, yet everyone knows who he is.
  4. At this point, we think it's safe to say Lurtz is one of the most badass henchmen in cinematic history.

Who the fuck is this guy ?

Green is 'yes', Red is 'no'. Idiot.

Lurtz is the first uruk (Saruman's personal Universal Soldier experiment) bred in Isengard. The uruk blood that flows through his veins makes him extremely violent and malevolent. In fact, seconds after his birth, he chokes to death his first victim.

I will now proceed to eat your babies.
"I will now proceed to eat your babies."

Being born from the first batch of uruk-hai, Lurtz is also much stronger, smarter and more loyal than the later breeds, which were bred more quickly so Saruman could raise his army faster (think of Toyota). He becomes Saruman's second-in-command, Captain of the Uruk-Hai scouts and is sent to take the One Ring from the Fellowship of the Ring.

He and his scouts find the band of gay brothers at Amon Hen, where Lurtz does not hesitate to kill Boromir.

This fucking guy.

Lurtz is then tackled and killed by Aragorn, losing an arm and one head in the process, but gaining our eternal respect and fear.

Uruk-Hai are like the Marines of Isengard, so Lurtz, being their Captain, must be some sort of viking ninja warrior with a bigger apetite for blood than young Josef Mengele during Show and Tell week.

Pictured: Booze hound.

Weapons of Choice

1. Bow

As mentioned above, Lurtz kills Boromir, a goddamn prince of Gondor. He does that by shooting three arrows in the guy's chest.

As you can see, Lurtz is not a fan of living things.

Fortunately for Boromir, he escapes getting face-raped by Lurtz thanks to Aragorn who totally ruins the scene.

2. Sword and Shield

Not only is Lurtz a kick ass archer, but a skilled close combat monster too, which he proves during the fight with Aragorn. Until he dies.

So skilled that he almost kills Aragorn by throwing his shield straight into the guy's fucking throat, catching him in a tree-head-and-shield-death-trap.

"One does not simpl- oh, FUCK!"

Cracked on Lurtz

Lurtz is a character that appears in the first movie of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Fellowship of the Ring.

But a recent Cracked study has shown that, despite popular belief, Lurtz does not appear in any of Tolkien's books and is in fact a product of Peter Jackson's imagination.

Pictured: lying bastard.

Seriously, how dare anyone mess with the original story by adding stupid made-up characters ? That's outra-


Okay, Peter, we forgive you.