Bears

Bears are fucking ferocious, man. Watch out.

WARNING!  Bears fucking love piñatas

Just The Facts

  1. Bears are the most adorable things that can destroy you on Earth
  2. Bears will steal your picnic basket
  3. Occassionally bear refers to a rather hirsute homosexual. Any personal ads from "bears" should therefore be treated with caution as either outcome could be disasterous

History

The world is just lousy with bears and each and every one will eat your face off so fast you don't even know. Despite this, bears have been pussified by modern man and are frequently depicted as warm, cuddly friends in stuffed animal and cartoon form. This, however, may be a ploy of the bears in order to dupe their enemies into letting their guard down in much the same way Hitler tried his hand at plush Nazi dolls and the short-lived animated series Stinky Hitler and Intolerables about a down-on-his-luck orphan with syphillis who kills Jews in a make believe world with his best friend and a talking elephant.

Revisionist history aside, the modern bear can likely trace its roots back to some kind of crazy prehistoric bear that could eat buses or some shit.

Varieties

Like hobos, there are many kinds of bears. Also like hobos, they vary from adorable at a distance to terrifying in any context. They also shit outdoors. Like hobos.

Black Bear - The most common bear in North America and potentially hte cause for the entire species pussification. They're barely even dangerous. Death Count: 56 in the last century. Syphillis kills more people than that.

Pussy

Asiatic Black Bear - Also known as the Moon Bear, grows up to 500lbs and is slaughtered frequently by people who very likely do not have PhDs in an effort to extract their delicious bile. Notable for having snowy white boobs. As a result of being hunted to endangered status, they hate mankind and will destroy us on sight. Death Count: Undetermined, but likely very high. They're bears after all.

A chest as pale as Nicole Kidman's

Panda Bear - Possibly the most hilarious of all bears, watch this comedy gold mine in action:

Ha ha! Adorable. However, pandas will kill you. Death Count: 6,789 in the last century. Don't look it up, just believe it.

Polar Bear: Scourge of the North and the worl'd largest, most cuddly land carnivore. Polar bears can weigh up to 1,500lbs and make for the most precious stuffed bears of all, as well as excellent spokesanimals for cola companies. Death Count: 19 people in Russia ever, 8 in Canada in the last 30 years and 1 in Alaska. It is believed, however, there are contracts out on many more.

Know what he's cleaning out of his nails? Your family and friends.

Grizzly Bear - Grizzlies are the most dangerous fucking thing ever, and that includes drunken celebrities with firearms and LA police left alone with minorities. Death Count: Neverending!

Terror!

Cinnamon Bear - Delicious. Death Count: Probably a few

Cinnamon? More like Killamon...eh? Right?

Sloth Bear - Named after the laziest shit of all animals, the sloth bear is unpredictable and dangerous. They also love honey. Cute! Death Count: In India, over a 5 year period, Sloth Bears killed 48 and injured nearly 700 more. This may be due to the fact people keep trying to make them dance while jamming metal hooks in their noses.

This crazy haired bastard will destroy you. Then he will dance to Journey.

Koala Bear - This isn't even a bear. It will still try to murder you, however. Death Count: None. Yet.

Not even a real bear. What's it doing here?

Care Bear - Saccharine children's toy and cartoon from the 80's. Enemy of Professor Coldheart. Dark Heart, No Heart and likely a multitude of other heart-themed villains. Death Count: They're bears with human intelligence, the ability to fly and shoot direct energy weapons from their chests. We can only guess.

What the fuck is this about?