6 Strange Laws Still On The Books

Everyone knows that the American government is run by a bunch of half-wits and morons. Nothing makes this more evident than the presence of strange, stupid (and sometimes insane) laws.

Just The Facts

  1. People are idiots
  2. Stupid people elect stupid leaders
  3. Stupid leaders make stupid laws
  4. Therefore stupid people make stupid laws

The Government is Full of Idiots

This in itself is no surprise. Most Americans, be they Republican or Democrats, believe that the United States government is run by the epitome of ineptitude. The only issue is that a lot of these people actually believe that they can do a better job of it than the morons already in charge. There's just one little problem with that line of thinking...

Would you trust the people that elected this man twice?

The inept people in charge were put there by people as stupid or stupider than they are! And these are the people who believe they can do a better job running the country. Thankfully for the rest of us, most of these people are either so stupid that they are incapable of even attempting to become part of the government, or are too lazy to try. Unfortunately, however there are people who have enough intelligence to be capable of running for office, and even more unfortunately, there are people who are stupid enough to vote for them. As a result we have hundreds of strange, stupid, moronic, and sometimes downright ignorant, laws still on the books today. Listing them all would take days, and tons of cracked.com server space, so this article will confine them down to the top six strange laws that I could find. They are in no particular order:

6. A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.

This one is from Kenilworth, Illinois and seems to be based on the premise that animals give a shit about the laws of humans. In addition to this, there had to be enough people in this town that disliked having a rooster disrupt their early-morning drunken stupor that a law was made prohibiting roosters from crowing within 300 feet a residence.

Wake me up at sunrise will, you?

To give a little background on Kennilworth, Wikipedia describes the town as "a village in Cook County, Illinois, approximately 17 mi (28 km) north of downtown Chicago. It is the newest of the nine suburban North Shore communities bordering Lake Michigan, and is the only one developed as a planned community." As of 2000, there were 2,494 people living in Kennilworth, and it "is known for its affluence and has a reputation as the richest suburb in Chicago and eleventh wealthiest in the nation."

Well, that makes sense. Only a town of rich suburban fucks would be troubled enough by the sound of a rooster that they would go to such lengths as to try to make a wild animal obey a written law. Something tells me that Foghorn Legorn really doesn't give a flying fuck about some rich bitch's beauty sleep.

Bizzarely enough, this isn't the only law in Illinois that's effectiveness relies on the obedience of wild animals. In Kirkland, Illinois, for example, bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through the city streets. It makes one wonder, do the people of Illinois know something the rest of us don't?

5. You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

What? Is this really a law? Really? The answer is yes, this is indeed a law in Providence, Rhode Island. Personally, I can't begin to fathom why exactly it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same person on a Sunday. Perhaps it's a religious observance? Quite a few religions believe in keeping the sabbath holy by not doing any work on said sabbath. But does practicing personal hygiene really count as work? The only other explanation is that people from Providence think that rotting teeth are sexy.

I bet she gives the best head ever.

What would the penalty be for violating this absurd law? Jail time? A fine? Death? Part of me hopes that it's death.

So parents, if you're having trouble getting little Johnny to brush his teeth, never fear. He'll find that he will be perfectly at home in Providence, where the girls are plenty and the teeth are crooked and yellow. Huzzah!

4. It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.

This one is straight out of Waynesboro, Virginia. It seems that some of the men in town got tired of the female inability to operate a motor vehicle (something that's a generally known fact), and decided that if they couldn't prohibit women from driving a car, the least they could do is warn everyone that they were coming; presumably to give them a chance to get out of the way, lest they be killed or maimed. How thoughtful.

Everyone! Hey! Everyone! My wife is driving again!

This law also implies that an unmarried woman does not have the right to drive a car. Which is pretty stupid, because if we're going to make it illegal for unmarried women to drive a car, we might as well make it equally as illegal for married women. After all, it's a known fact that most women are pretty terrible drivers.

Thank you, Waynesboro, for making your streets that much safer than the rest of the country's!

3. Honking one's car horn at a sandwich shop after 9 PM is against the law.

Hellloooo Little Rock. Yup, this city in Arkansas has actually made it illegal to honk your car horn at a Subway after 9 pm. One wonders what the circumstances were that prompted the city to make this an official law. In fact, if it weren't for the actual wording of this law, I would never have included it in this list. The law states:

"Sec. 18-54. Sounding of horns at sandwich shops. No person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 p.m. (Code 1961, 25-74)"

There's no way that could be any sort of a misinterpretation of the wording. This law was plainly intended for this sole purpose. That intrigues me even more; something had to have happened in order to prompt some city counsilman to propose this as a law. Perhaps he owned a sandwich shop, maybe he lived next door to one. It's not really clear, and franky, it doesn't have to be; that's how awesome it is.

It's so awesome, I honestly couldn't find a picture worthy of depicting it

2. Persons convicted of felonies may not operate Bingo games.

It appears that the people of Bensalem, Pennsylvania take their Bingo nights very seriously. So seriously, they have officially banned felony convicts from calling their Bingo games. These Bingo games must have some very lucrative prizes, or maybe the town's elderly are simply too nervous around known felons.

Help Wanted: The opposite of this.

I looked Bensalem up on Wikipedia, and apart from having "a large and fast-growing foreign-born population, which includes large concentrations of Mexicans, Guatemalans, Koreans, and Indians", Bensalem seems to be your average American town, though it is home to the Philadelphia Park Racetrack, which leads me to believe that the people of Bensalem take all forms of gambling way too seriously, not just Bingo.

Bensalem, PA: Year 2025

1. Bear Wrestling Matches Are Prohibited

In the state of Alabama, at one point bear wrestling became such a problem that a state law had to be enacted to deal with it. Bear wrestling. The people who orchestrated those matches must have balls of wrought iron to be able to pit two angry bears against one another, and then cage up the raging bear afterward, and live to tell the tale. In other words, they were Michael Vick on crack.

Fuck pitbulls, polar bears are where the real money is!

According to www.dumblaws.com, the state of Alabama outlawed bear wrestling matches because it was it risked the bears' lives, and subjected them to harsh conditions. Yes... the bears. Not to mention the tamers or the spectators. It probably wasn't uncommon for an unlucky spectator to get swept up in the thrill of things and end up as a human scratching post.

Why Fluffy?! WHY?!!!

Bear wrestling... really?