Coworkers
For those of you at the office, we know that life between those padded cubicle walls is pretty hardcore. It could be likened to life on the streets but with less bullets and more printers that have no paper.
Just The Facts
- Everyone you work with is an idiot
- Everyone you work with thinks the same thing
The Experienced But Clueless
The go-not-to person. This one was sitting in a desk while construction workers were still screaming
about the concrete being wet. Sitting aperch many years of "being there", they rose through the
ranks by pure "not-job searching". This person, while touting more time in the building than in a
normal marriage, honestly has no clue. Their only true achievement seems to form the perfectly
shaped butt impression in their chair. Unfortunately for you and everyone else, they are a mindless
drone. Even though the process of diffusion should somehow imbue them with knowledge,
they seem to be an impermeable wall.
The Spy
One man, two sides, three testicles (according to rumor), this man always knows what is going
on way before anyone else. He leads a double life, in one he works as a mild mannered desk
holder-downer, the other he makes super secret promises not to tell that require a pinky finger.
He lives in your corner, knowing all the loose lipped higher ups and their desperate needs of a
twinkie fix something fierce. Who knew about Sam getting fired 4 hours beforehand... he's THAT guy.
His powers of "know-having" and "secret-keeping" know no boundaries.
The Backstabber
They are one of the most feared but nicest people at the office. They have only one operating mode; observe and report. Quietly watching you like you're the birthday cake at a fat kid's birthday party. They wait for everyones mistakes and run to the corner office like they are a constestant on the Price is Right, and the big boss is Bob Barker... but without all that molesting stuff. Slowly amassing intel on your daily activities of Cracked reading and online Sudoku playing. You're also pretty sure they have a graph of your bathroom breaks.
The bad news is that most bosses love having a lap dog.
The Hydra
To give you idea of this, imagine your company as a large reptilian beast, and every member of
management is a head on this beast. Each head is an idividual and has its own thoughts and ideas
of how to move forward. the body keeps the heads tethered by necks so that the only way to move
forward is to make sure the entire thing is working together. You... you're a toe, every head thinks
it knows what you are supposed to be doing and all of them are telling you to do something. One
boss thinks you're supposed to be generating a depriciation of staff over receding account volume
report, while the other is pretty damn sure you're the guy who replinishes the empty toilet paper rolls.
As it turns out your job is completely non-related to either task, but you still have an obligation to
follow orders because of that whole "insubordination" thing.
The Almost Manager
This is the person who lives their life through a complete delusion of grandeur based on the idea that
they are or will be your boss. Desperately attempting to prove their worth, they will demean the hell out
of you to show how boss-worthy they are. They work right beside you doing the same damn thing
you do... just less of it.
The Playa
While it seems "work" is what they were supposed to be there for, snaggin' some strange seems
to be their only motive to show up. They stroll by the ladies expecting a panty deluge if they flash a smile.
His worthlessness seems to have no boundaries as he is waaaaaay too busy to take your call on
account of all those cases of the "boners" the new girl has been giving him lately. While we do
applaude a man for "gettin' it", when it comes to him wanting a series of high fives afterwards...
yeah we're pretty sure we don't wanna know where that hand has been... and why does it have
a slight bovine scent... what did he do fingerbang a McDouble... gross.
The Hey-Day Bragger
Living in the past where he was actually worth something, he brags about things that happened
before all this "paperless" stuff happened. You know that guy, makes sure to save his bowel
movements until he gets to work so he can take an hour off hiding behind his IBS.
He spends his day telling about the good old days when accounts were recorded on cards and you had to walk to work, occasionally engaging a bear in combat. Guaranteed to use the "hunt and peck" method on the keyboard that just fucking makes you want to go over to his damn keyboard and type his email to Hustler yourself. While he might have had some value to the company back in the day when bread didn't come in that fancy "sliced" variety that seems to be all the rage nowadays, his only use seems to be keeping floor tiles from floating away.
The Storm Cloud
No matter what is happening there is a terrible thing on the horizon, unfortunately its true, and
they know. Which makes admitting they are right so so much harder. Management announces
they are acquiring a new surveilence system for "security" purposes, Negative-Nancy over here
thinks its to see how many smoke breaks people take. You ask this person how they're doing, they
will hold your ear hostage for 15 minutes explaing their various medical conditions and how the
company insurance isn't good enough. Speaking of which, if the company decides to switch
insurance providers, you might as well just quit. The groaning and moaning about how "No one
accepts this insurance", will make it seem like you are in "Ground Hog Day", except days actually
do pass, and its still not advisable to allow any animal drive your car, even if its that loveable
Toonces. They constantly hold pity parties and not so much that you get an invite, but get sucked
into a black hole of despair that would make putting down puppies look fun.
The Almost Manager- is Dwight Schrute!
ReplyThe creepy thing for me is looking through my old high school classmates and knowing exactly which ones they turned out to be. Honors classes were the prequel to the workplace.
ReplyHaha, as I read this article the names of my co-workers kept popping up whenever their personalities coincided with each description.
ReplyFunny in places, but you should eat more bran.
ReplyI don't mind a typo every now and then, but this article looked like it was written by a 10 year old. Maybe Cracked should have a proofreader in case somebody submits something like this.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesDickhead
ya... you would be the epitome of "that guy." don't be that guy.
No, I second that uberjim. Seriously, this article doesn't just have a misspelling or two - it's missing entire words. It's ridiculous.
I have to begrudgingly agree, there is a lot of typos. But the article itself is actually funny, and the language is clever and all that. I'd like to see more of this writer's work with some extra proof-reading.
I agree with Futch
The fingerbang a McDouble joke was just....awful as well.
Every single article gets the same comment; "How is this the one article with so many typos!?" Obviously, there are alot of typos on alot of articles, and the fact that most people only catch it on one or two of them means it's not that bad. Leave it be.
Brown-nosers do it for me. I know way too many who have all but become their bosses' second head on account of shoving theirs so far up the latter's arses. The worst thing about them is that it naturally follows that they will be anxious to downplay anyone else's contributions and/or hype up their own.
ReplyI'm in a job where I am persistently and irritatingly in close contact with a horrendous brown-noser; she also likes to think she's my almost-manager. The great part is that the boss knows perfectly well and has absolutely no regard for her whatsoever; she's just tolerated because, really, who doesn't like having their lunches bought for them every day and having all the reports done impeccably so they [or anyone else for that matter] don't have to do them?
What about the over work trench coat?
ReplyI just love when office workers complain about their job
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesTry working in mine couple of days asshole!
is that is in "try working in a mine for a couple of days" or "try working mine job for a couple of days"?
I was wondering the same thing.
I'm pretty sure it's "try working my job for a couple of days."
Well I'm guessing Zigazaga's job isn't teaching written English. And what does he just love?
I love when other people assume they have it so much worse than everybody else
This conversation has made me laugh harder than any Cracked article in a while.
I work at one of the two largest Casinos in the world. Ground level. Its hell. One thing I've noticed? There is nobody in my department who actually enjoys working there, and most of them have at least one child, and at least one ex wife. Are Misery-Mongers common? Because, besides the crushing monotony, and the customers, they are the worst part of the job.
This concept was wasted on a rather unfunny article.There are a lot of hilarious characters that could have been mentioned but weren't.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieslike?
Like the coworker who always says, "I could have done it better than that guy."
boone wins
I have not just a 'one upper' but he's a '5 million upper.' I can't have a conversation with him without him saying that whatever it is he does is the right way to do it.
"I went hiking this weekend."
"Where?"
"Starved Rock."
"That's not hiking. I go hiking in the mountains out East. THAT'S hiking."
*sigh*
"No matter what is happening there is a terrible thing on the horizon, unfortunately its true, and they know."
Reply...What? What the f**k kind of brain fart sentence is that?
makes sense to me, maybe you are foreign.
So the key is to quickly figure out which one of these you are. Because we all have to be one of them, right?
ReplyNo, everyone reading this article gets to be the office Jim - the likeable guy who always succeeds and everybody likes, surrounded by insubordination and incompetence.
My personal favorite - The Morning Person. Allow me to illustrate: 7:00am she walks in, you've already been there for an hour. "Good moooooooorrrrrrnning!" You grunt. This happens about 10 times in a row. Finally she says "You must not be much of a morning person, huh?" This cycle repeats itself over the course of several years, before you finally snap and say "Actually, I am a morning person. I'm just not much of a 'you' person." Cue a series of meetings with management and HR, and several classes on values. FOR YOU - not the annoying MORNING lady. WTH?
ReplyI think you meant WTF? How big a p***y are you?
If you can't handle interacting with a slightly-too-cheerful person for 10 seconds a day, you may need more than a few classes on values. Actually, you may need a new career as a hermit, because "person who says hello every morning and occasionally makes stale jokes" is one of the least annoying coworkers ever.
you forgot the bemoaner "i hate this job, my feet hurt i'm too fat my husband doesn't like me" and the brownnoser "hey boss how're ya doin! how was your weekend? hohw's the wife" etc.
ReplyLOVE the Toonces reference!
ReplyGood except for that line at the end of "the playa" where the author seemed to switch to a fifteen-year-old meathead for a moment.
ReplyI think that was the point.
Switched to a meathead.... jesus.
Fuckin' douche nozzle.
I found this really fun and extreamly true. I work with at least 4 oout of 8 of the types.
ReplyAt the office I work in we have the backstabber, the experienced but clueless, the spy, and the guy who gets pissed off any time ya ask him to do anything.
Replyim typing this as my hydra periodically checks to see im still sitting here.
ReplyLOL!
Another awesome article! Plenty of laughs and numerous typos, too. Constestant, depriciation, replinishes, applaude, surveilence... Yeah, I need to get a life or I wouldn't have commented here.
Replyhtanks orf the typoes ehlp their!
Learning how to spell helps too!
Lucky I've only (at least as far as I know) experienced the hydra and the lifers. Based on experience, government (state and federal) tends to have more hydras and lifers than the private sector. Don't know about the other 6 though.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesThe way to deal with hydras is simple. Do a half-assed job on all of them, enough to where it "looks like" its done right, without care as to if it is or not. By the time they get around to it, they'll be so buried in paperwork they'll forget what the purpose of the reports was in the first place.
So you do half-assed jobs on government paperwork? Go f**k yourself you worthless prick.
lolz
Seconded.
suddenly it all makes sense!
sounds to me like you, SlightlySane865, have never had a hydra boss or you'd know what the f**k mike was talking about