If M. Night Shyamalan Directed The Harry Potter Films

Everyone knows M. Night Shyamalan as the dude who directed the Sixth Sense. What is lesser known is that he was offered the part to direct the first Harry Potter film. Imagine, if you will. (NOTE: As this is about movie endings, spoilers are abound)

Shyamalan, deciding if there is something interesting about corn. (Hint: There isn't).

Harry Potter, trying to decide if there's anything interesting about this movie. Combined they would CREATE:

Magic. Or crap.

Just The Facts

  1. There are three possible endings: The Sixth Sense Ending (You know full well)
  2. The Unbreakable Ending (Meh.)
  3. The Lady in the Water Ending (Seriously?)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

The Original

Harry Potter is an ordinary boy who discovers that he is a wizard!

Harry Potter, age 18.

Harry goes to school, makes friends, and discovers that the only true magic is in your heart! Ha Ha, just kidding.

And a group hug is all it takes to defeat Voldemort!

No, he actually prevents the man who killed his parents (what a dick) from returning by keeping him the fuck away from the god damned Sorcerer's Stone.

You shall not pass, bitch!

The Shyamalan Versions:

-Lady In the Water: It turns out that Hagrid was really a doctor hired by the Dursleys to send Harry to an insane asylum. The last shot reveals the entire story took place inside of Harry's head.

We all know it wasn't REALLY a dream.

-Unbreakable: Hagrid, not Snape, was in cahoots with Voldemort the entire time, hiding Voldemort's evil face underneath his beard.

The beard also hides a machete, two packs of bubble gum and the bloody remains of Tommy Chestnut, the one student who DARED to step on Fang's tail.

Harry, enraged, summons Norbert (somehow) and kills Hagrid, becoming the first Dragon Rider at Hogwart's.

And all the sequels would be infinitely better than this.

-Sixth Sense: Quirrel reveals that Harry was the real Voldemort, and he was responsible for murdering his own parents. Hagrid turned Harry back into a baby and destroyed the house. Harry, outraged, destroys the Mirror of Erised and kills Quirrel.

AND EATS HIM! Right? I don't know, we'll work on that later.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

The Original

A monster is going around Hogwart's and attacking Muggle-borns. This person is the Heir of Slytherin, who could talk to snakes, and... hey, what the fuck? Harry's talking to snakes? HE'S THE HEIR!

Parselmouths are cleverly hidden analogies for suspected Communists.

Well, luckily, it's not Harry. Big shock, right? Instead it's the memory of Voldemort controlling Ginny Weasley, which should have led to a battle where Harry must decide to kill Ginny or doom the school.

Yeah, this guy? Killed himself to save the world from the devil. Suck it up, Potter.

Luckily, all such confrontations are avoided, and Harry kills the monster and banishes Riddle (Voldemort).

Kids- When we say you pour your soul into a diary, don't do it literally, lest some 12-year old punk comes along with a basilisk fang in hand and ruins your chances to return to corporeal form.

(Editor's Note: No one would do that)

Shyamalan's Version

-Lady in the Water: The person behind the attacks is Malfoy! Just like Harry and Ron said!

Eat THAT, Hermione!

"But," you whine, "he told Crabbe and Goyle he didn't open the Chamber of Secrets!" Well I've got news for you: He lied to his best friends!

That's right, boys.

-Unbreakable: The Chamber is indeed a myth; the Ghost of Gryffindor explains to Harry he invented it and created a charm that would attack Muggle-borns if anti-Muggle-born feelings grew too strong. When Harry proceeds to explain to Gryffindor how bad of a fucking idea this is, Gryffindor proceeds to present his arguments by tearing Harry apart from the inside. And then:

Don't panic. He's just becoming Dr. Manhattan.

-Sixth Sense: HARRY OPENED THE CHAMBER! CRAP!

This scene kind of helps explain why, though,

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

The Original

A killer has escaped! And he's looking for Harry! And he betrayed Harry's parents! So Harry will obviously die! Unless-

Azkaban's most dangerous killer posesses no more threat to him than Azkaban's most dangerous termite.

But don't worry! It turns out it was all Peter's fault, aka Ron's rat. Oh, and their teacher's a werewolf. And some time travel's invovled.

With mercifully less Uber-Morlocks.

Shyamalan's Version

-Lady in the Water: Sirius was behind it the entire time!

And looked just like this.

-Unbreakable: Sirius was behind it the whole time-- BECAUSE HE'S THE REAL VOLDEMORT!

It's a bit like M being Moriarty/Fantom, but in a way that eight-year olds could understand.

-Sixth Sense: They enter the Shrieking Shack and find- DUMBLEDORE IN CAHOOTS WITH SIRIUS BLACK!

Yes. It is concerning.

You see, it's all part of Dumbledore's 13-year plan to kill Harry. Unfortunately, they forgot Harry was Dr. Manhattan and/or Eragon.

The following sentences are going to play out like this, but with better acting.

Harry either:
a) Summons Norbert and leads the school in rebellion against their headmaster. Dumbledore rides Fawkes, and the two have an epic battle. Harry eventually kills Dumbledore, whom we presume burns in Wizard Hell, while Sirius escapes.

His current whereabouts are unknown.

b) Vaporizes the shit out of the two of them, seeing as how he's Dr. Man-harry-tan.

Yeah, yeah, spare us the theatrics and vaporize the asshole.

or c) Harry dies.

J.K. Rowling called it, "an interesting departure from the series."

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

The Original

Harry Potter is in trouble (again). Some douchebag put his name in the Goblet of Fire, and now he must compete in the Triwizard Tournament! Naturally, everyone suspects the kind-of Russian guy.

We get it Rowling. Joe McCarthy was a dick. Enough with the parallels.

No, that's not true. Most people consider Harry an attention whore. BUT it was ACTUALLY all a plot to have Harry to unwillingly bring back, and then get killed by, VOLDEMORT!

The fact that they managed to hide Ralph Fiennes' big nose is a piece of CGI Magic.

This sort of doesn't work, and instead Voldemort kills Edward Cullen Cedric Diggory.

"Voldemort's back! And a member of Team Jacob!"

And the biggest twist? The DADA teacher was behind it! Kind of; he's a Death Eater in disguise, you see.

Behold the face of pure evil.

Shyamalan's Version

-Lady in the Water: It turns out that Cedric is a vampire!

How else would you explain it?

-Unbreakable: Harry indeed put his name in the Goblet. Because he's a douche.

You fiend!

He then proceeded to act clueless in all the tasks, simultaneously eliminating Ludo Bagman, SPEW and various other subplots secretly.

Take that you pointy-eared bastard!

He then turned the cup into a Portkey so he could have Cedric killed and blame it on Voldemort.

You are responsible for all of this, Harry Potter. Every damn bit.

-Sixth Sense: Cedric put Harry's name in the cup. Cedric caught Harry eyeballing Cho Chang, and wanted to bump him off.

Damn you Cullen!

Cedric, however, had a dark(er) side. He went on a chat room (somehow) and found a Muggle girl with no personality and was oddly attracted to monsters.

Cut to: BELLA staring blanly with her mouth open.

BELLA

EDWARD, I need you!

Deciding to horn in on this, Cedric turned the cup into a Portkey and conceived a plan to bring Voldemort back and fake his own death.

Bastard! How dare you turn Harry Potter into a soap opera?

Which makes me wonder; what did he think of Lupin?

David Thewlis is British, which makes him cooler already.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Original

Voldemort's back. No one believes Harry. So he decides to start a club so they can learn how to fight back.

For kids!

People believe Harry when Voldemort attacks the Ministry and Sirius is killed by Mrs. Lovett.

Although she mercifully didn't cook him into any pies.

Shyamalan's Version

-Lady in the Water: Voldemort's not back. Harry just hallucinated it and blamed him for Cedric's overdose on LSD

.

Clearly, he's still taking it. (Also, I just realized you can't overdose on LSD.)

-Unbreakable: Cedric is alive, and being posessed by Voldemort.

How could you have not seen it coming?

-Sixth Sense: Ok, enough Cedric/Edward jokes.The Minister and Voldemort are working together!

Picture completely unrelated.

Then they proceed to destroy all the witnesses at the Ministry.

Don't worry, Zot will save us!

This enrages Harry so much, he does some impressive magic that explodes the Earth.

Victory!

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

The Original

Harry is allegedly "The Chosen One." Woot.

We all know how this will turn out.

Dumbledore and Harry take private lessons and they eventually realize Voldemort has put his soul into Horcruxes, various objects that must be destroyed before he can be killed, because Harry now lives in an MMORPG.

Hermione just gained the Sword of Hotness! Rabid Fanboiz are rendered useless due to their massive erections.

Harry is also getting help in Potions from someone who wrote some notes in his book called the Half-Blood Prince.

In later chapters he became the student formerly known as the Half-Blood Prince.

Harry and Dumbledore think they find a Horcrux (SPOILER: They didn't) in a cave filled with creatures from our nightmares.

If Voldemort had been smarter.

They return, upon which Snape kills Dumbledore and reveals himself to be the Half-Blood Prince.

In the seventh book, he's the two-faced scumbag professor formerly known as Snape

Shyamalan's Version

-Lady in the Water: As Snape enters the tower, Dumbledore summons an eagle and tells Harry that he must journey to Mordor and destroy the One Ring, which is also a Horcrux.

This eye is a Horcrux as well. Use water.

-Unbreakable: Snape summons his dragon to eat Dumbledore.

Like this.

Luckily, Dumbledore blasts his way out of the dragon's stomach using a special gun that he got from home: ON ANOTHER PLANET!

One of them's an Auror, another is a Death Eater.

-Sixth Sense: So, get this: Dumbledore was dying. And so, like, he asked Snape to kill him so Draco didn't have to, right? And Snape was alway's Dumbledore's man, and the reason he hated Harry was---- oh, wait, that's what actually happens.

Biggest Twist Ever: J.K. Rowling is secretly M. Night Shyamalan.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows- Part One

The Original

It's up to Harry, Ron and Hermione to go on a voyage throughout England so they can destroy the Horcruxes. (If you can't remember what those are, read the previous section. Seriously, I'm not gonna fucking reiterate points I've already made.) To aid them on their quest, Dumbledore has left them:

-that thing he used in the very first scene of the first movie to put out the streetlights.

-a book of wizard fairy tales.

-the Snitch Harry caught with his FACE.

On a related note, do you remember that play Equus? The one where's naked on stage? Yeah, it's a little disturbing when you realize it's the kid on the left. YOU ARE A PERVERT.

Harry's also been left a sword, but the Minister of Magic won't give it to him because, come on, it's a FUCKING MAGICAL SWORD.

Just saying.

Throughout the film, the following people die:

-Some random chick that apparently teaches at the school, which is weird because we literally NEVER see her.

Boo-hoo?

-Harry's owl, Hedwig.

I was more upset by her death than that of a HUMAN BEING.

-Mad-Eye Moody, in a very offscreen fashion.

I cashed my paycheck, let's get over with this.

-The Minister of Magic, in another rather offscreen manner.

Seriously, is this supposed to upset me?

-Bathilda Bagshot, in a manner so offscreen it happens BEFORE the movie even starts.

-A variety of people that Voldemort kills in his attempts to find Anthony Hope.

Sweeney Todd reference, in case you were wondering.

-FINALLY (after only like ten minutes of aimless wandering, seriously, why do people say the middle part's so freaking boring?) Dobby the house-elf gets killed by Mrs. Lovett.

Was it just me, or did he seem genuinely more upset by his death than Dumbledore's?

Oh, a note to all of you screaming: SPOILERS! This is an article about movie ENDINGS. Suck it up.

Shyamalan's Version

-Lady in the Water: Hedwig is ALIVE. But unfortunately, she is also evil.

Owls are NEVER benevolent.

Hedwig has been working for Voldemort the whole time, much like HAGRID!

This is a bigger twist because fat people are supposed to be jolly.

This leads to some massive fight sequence somewhere in the mountains that is equal parts retarded and idiotic.

The Tea Party of twist endings, if you will.

-Unbreakable: DUMBLEDORE is alive and well. The downside? He's been working for Cedric Diggory.

Who isn't a vampire.

You see, all of the dead characters realized that their deaths were all Harry's fault, and they used some complicated Dark Magic to bring themselves back. This is marginally less retarded than the previous ending mentioned.

-The Sixth Sense: As it turns out, Dumbledore's death was part of a larger conspiracy that somehow... You know what, no. Fuck this. There is literally no good twist ending for this movie.

I was going to make a Giant Squid reference, but you know what? Fuck it.

Just come back next year. I'll make a thing for Deathly Hallows Part 2. WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT.