Bra Code

6 Things Men Would Like Women to Know about Bras.

Just The Facts

  1. The term "brassiere" was first used in the English language in 1893 and is now currently used by no one except your grandma's racist neighbor.
  2. Brassiere or bikini-like garments are believed to have been worn by some female athletes as early as the 14th century BC, which means people in the 14th century had already discovered professional wrestling.
  3. In October 1932, the S.H. Camp and Company correlated the size and pendulousness of a woman's breasts to letters of the alphabet, A through D. Camp's advertising featured letter-labeled profiles of breasts in the February 1933 issue of Corset and Underwear Review, the maxim magazine of the 30's

1. Push Ups are False Advertising

Look, I know men are dumb. But come on ladies, give us a little credit. When we finally have you full of that magic combination of booze and you decide, to our great disbelief, to go home with us, we're not going to believe that your boobs magically shrink once your space age, scientifically advanced, padded brassiere comes off.

I mean, there's no way were not going to have sex with you, but it's just a little insulting that you assume you have to result to the female equivalent of stuffing a sock down your pants. Even if you aren't planning on unveiling your mysterious love orbs to some lucky guy that particular night, what exactly is the point of making your boobs look bigger? Sooner or later the truth will out. Might as well just be totally honest about what you look like.

Okay, maybe there is such a thing as too honest.

2. We Don't Care if Your Bra Matches Your Panties

Seriously. It's not a big deal. If we've gotten to the point were you're freely letting us see you in your undergarmets, that's not the time we're going to choose to get picky. Plus, many of us are totally fine with leaving the house wearing camo shorts under a plaid shirt. Far be it for any guy to be critical of your fashion choices.

Especially This Guy.

3. Wearing the Same Bra for a Week is Just Gross.

Okay, no matter how sexy and awesome your boobs are, they probably sweat, and they most definitely have body oils. Wearing the same unwashed bra over your sweaty, oily, plump, luscious... what was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, any article of clothing you wear is going to absorb your body oils and sweat, and after a day or two of near constant contact with you, it's going to start to smell. Just because your boobs aren't as prone to stank as, well, any and all parts of our bodies doesn't mean they are immune to the horrors of BO.

Trust me on this, my ex used to wear the same brassiere for five to seven days, then leave her nasty, smelly bras lying all over my apartment. Which brings me to my next point...

4. We Don't Like Your Bras Lying all Over our Apartment/House.

Look, it's not that we don't appreciate having a little sexy reminder of you when you're not staying over, but when you start turning our man-bitat (I totally just made that word up, suck on that!) into your own personal bra hamper, well that's when sexy turns into unsettling. It's not like we keep our places in immaculate shape. Hell, I've found things growing under my dresser that might possibly be capable of sentient thought.

That's not the point. If you're old enough to be leaving your bras at some guys apartment, you're old enough to do your own laundry. Besides, if you're going to leave undergarments behind as sexy mementos, you might as well go with panties. But you probably won't want them back.

5. We Don't Give Two Shits About Lacey Bits, Patterns or Colors

Sorry, but like the matching bra/panties thing, it's just not that important. Not that we don't appreciate the fact that you want to keep things interesting. But in all honesty, the cuter or sexier your underwear is, the less time we're going to want it to stay on you.

For most guys, our lovemaking uniform consists of the underwear we wore all day (and possibly yesterday) and occasionally the black socks we keep wearing with our cargo shorts and flip flops that you told us a hundred times look incredibly stupid and how come we never take you anywhere nice anymore and do we think your sister is attractive because she really doesn't seem to go out alot and...

6.Help us With The Goddamned Snaps and Hooks!

I don't like to brag, but I've fumbled around awkwardly with my fair share of bra snaps and hooks. Ah, the memories of all those backseat makeout sessions, each one with it's own special brand of frustration and emasculting, judgemental crticism of my technique. These days it's rare for me to have the same issues (and by rare I mean only on days ending in y), but even when I do I usually emerge victorious, if a little embarassed.

Yet, I have to wonder why a guy can't get a little help. I mean, the longer you have to wait for us to unfasten the little stupid hooks or those bastard snaps, the more frustrated and flacid we're going to get, no matter how voluptuous and firm your glorious sex melons are.

So can't we just work together, and could you please bring this up at your next secret amazon legion of doom meeting? we'd really appreciate it.