Badgers

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Just The Facts

  1. Badgers are fur-bearing mammals.
  2. They live in burrows under the ground.
  3. They have enough rage in them to kill a whole family of circus acrobats

Cracked on badgers:

Badgers hate you and want your family to die

Badgers hate you and your whole family

If moles and the killer bunny from Monty Python's Holy Grail mated in some unholy coupling the end result would probably be badgers. They are the sumo wrestling cousin of the weasel and ferret, but filled with more rage than a sack full of either of them. They live in burrows underground, laying in wait for the next tasty meal to saunter past. At which point they will launch themselves from the ground like a furry cannonball to eat their victim alive and screaming.

They are voracious carnivores and eat anything that is smaller than them, and several things that aren't.

In popular culture:

The film Tremors was based on a true story of a family of badgers terrorizing a small desert town.

Despite their vicious nature they are often depicted as friendly creatures.

Their images are plastered all over British children's literature. Here they are usually seen as gentle giants that are only there to protect their small woodland friends. Or even as firm yet kind authority figures that guide the other animals down the path of righteousness. Often they even are teamed-up with animals that by all rights they should be devouring. This unnatural act is so often depicted that to include a list of offenders would be pointless and time consuming.

It's like "Friday the 13th" except with cute animals.

It's like Friday the 13th except with cute animals

They gain internet notoriety with the flash cartoon meme "Badger Badger Badger", a song that in keeping with the spirit of its namesake is designed to make your brains ooze out of your ear canals.

And lest we anger the legions of Harry Potter fans it must be mentioned that the badger is the mascot of House Hufflepuff. But where J.K. Rowling once again gives the middle finger to reason by saying that the house stands for loyalty, hard work, and fair play instead of the most badgerly pursuits of gutting your still live prey.

The term "to badger someone" and "badgering the witness" was named after the badger's habit of tenaciously pursuing someone until they want to commit suicide in the swiftest and messiest way imaginable.

Bad-assery of:

Although not the most badass of the planet's animals the badger is still the most bad ass of the small furry animals. A badger will live alone as a "lone wolf" or even have a large family group or "biker gang" that will mess you up proper if you cross them.

In the fine tradition of alliterated cruelty the anarchic sports of bear-bating and bull-baiting were nothing to compare to miniscule fury of badger-baiting.

Mother badgers have been known to take down wolves and even some varieties of bears to protect their young, or even just for the fun of it.

There is a species of badger known as the ratel, or honey badger, a crack-addict of an animal that loves his honey even more than Pooh bear. Upon smelling the honey the ratel will jam its head directly into the beehive and gorge itself, the whole time ignoring the thousands of stings to its face. It is not uncommon to find a honey badger that has been stung to death while enjoying delicious honey.

But the biggest check in the badass column has to be that a badger name Josiah was the only animal badass enough to be a pet to Teddy Roosevelt. (And you can read more about it in the Cracked article 7 Badass Animals Presidents Have Kept as Pets)