Female Condoms

Female Condoms provide an innovative way to catch white liquids, the invention of these products serve as a staple of modern day science. I didn't just make that up.

Good thing sex is a myth.

Just The Facts

  1. Your mother regrets not using one.
  2. Provides a layer of protection against pregnancy and STDs, we guess.
  3. Exists to instill feminists with a false sense of control.
  4. Can be used as an anal condom, because hey, why not.
  5. Still a goddamn condom.

Cracked on Female Condoms

Like the feel of Polyurethane? I certainly hope so, champ, because that's what you get to look forward to each night. Female condoms were invented just to fuck with men. Look, what else can you pull from such a worthless invention? We sat pretty as a civilization, perfectly happy with the number of things we could wrap around our dongs to avoid ruining our lives during a night of passion. Somewhere along the line, someone decided that this shit just wouldn't do. Enter Dr.Lasse Hessel to add to the list of great things that happened in the '40s.

Not to be confused with Lassie.

The good Doctor thought life would be better if he didn't have to deal with putting on a rubber. It's not an assumption to say that he came to this conclusion after hours of practice with a banana, so you have his incompetence to thank for your excuses no longer holding ground. Condom broke? Not if she's packing this. Forgot to bring a condom? Don't worry, it's already in there. Flash Flood? Climb on in, this is what they use to make inflatible boats. Now you can float out of the flood water like you're a Navy Seal.

Benefits and Disadvantages

Logic is rarely something we use when in condom related situations. Chances are there's flesh in front of you, and you're just about ready to "Get this shit goin" and "Show her the cobra" . Ignoring that fact, products don't just sell without a purpose. There's bound to be a reason this was made, right? There's no way something would be designed and sold for no reason, not in America.

Because it's from Denmark


  1. Provides less protection against pregnancy than a normal condom would.
  2. Costs far more than a male condom.
  3. Can be used to suffocate people.


  1. None. Seriously, there is no proven advantage to using this over a normal Male condom.
  2. Can be used to suffocate people.
  3. Can be inserted without a male erection, I guess that's an advantage. Maybe we were wrong.

Anti Rape Condom

A benevolent and sinister cousin to the female condom adds the words Anti and Rape. You should be getting the idea right about now. These things aren't made to prevent rape, but rather to insert barbs into the attackers wang to an extent that they cannot be removed without surgery. Invented in South Africa, the anti rape condom is said to be aimed to lower the number of rapes. Some women have spoken out against the condom, saying it is nothing more than a glorified torture device.

Very likely the same barb used in the condom.

Now I'm not saying I support rape, far from it, but holy shit what? Imagine it, it's your first time, the windows are fogged up and everything is set up perfectly. You prepare for what everyone has been raving about and oh my god my dick is bleeding holy christ there's hooks in there. Will it happen exactly like that? Of course it will.

The History of the Condom

Contraceptives in general actually came into existence back in the year fucking forever ago. Birth control was considered a womans job, something that the male never really needed to worry about because we guess he was too busy trying not to die every goddamn day. Science was a pretty big deal back then, with such birth control devices as the Magic Amulet, and Just Pull Out. Yup, your choices were pretty slim back in the day. Eventually a legend would pop up about Minos, legend says that his man goo contained scorpions and serpents, which is a pretty badass problem to have. The women of the time didn't agree, forcing Minos to slaughter a goat and pull its bladder from it. He then used it as a female condom. (Fuck you Lasse! Minos invented the female condom, and he did it by murdering animals.)

What the fuck do you mean there's no goats?

Before the 15th century, the Asians already had this shit figured out. They invented glan condoms, which pretty much translates into a terrible backfiring of "Just the tip". In China they were made out of oiled silk paper, or of a lambs intestines. In Japan, they were made out of...what the fuck? Tortoise shell? Really Japan? You just couldn't wait to start your foreverlong era of being batshit crazy?

Condoms would soon (Read:Eventually) transform into something similar to what we use today, only far more disgusting. Animal Intestines and Animal Livers, along with linen remained the top two materials used to make (now) full condoms. It seems like it was a time where people just ripped things out of animals and attempted to use it during sex. Eventually this would evolve into a market, spreading like the herpes it attempted to control.

Enter the 1800's to 1900's.

Rubber Vulcanization was kind of a big deal. It paved the way for condoms that you didn't have to slaughter animals for. It took a short 11 years for everyone to realize "Hey, this could work and it isn't covered in goats blood." thus, the rubber was born. Manufacturing processes would be invented and improved on, but the basic condom would remain the same for quite some time. World War 2 really really really wanted to make the condom into a big deal, but statistics show that our boys just didn't give a shit. Deciding that as a force of freedom, no STD would dare touch them, they instead used their issued condoms for various things out in the field, some of which remain in use to this day. Sadly the condom would die off in the 2000's, as we're all now having sex with robots.