Colombia House DVD Club

Columbia House DVD Club was a foray into the marketing of DVD's via snail mail much like Netflix except instead of getting unlimited DVD's in the mail for a set price you get raped in the mail instead.

How things work.

Awww, sorry guy's...better luck next time. Have fun being bankrupt...whatever that entails.

Just The Facts

  1. Columbia House is the older pervy brother of Netflix.
  2. Much like the Mafia you dont leave Columbia House, you die out of it.
  3. Every time you get a new DVD in the mail from them you go "Awwww fuck I forgot to cancel again!"

The Membership Breakdown

To become a member you purchase a movie that just so happens to be discounted, at that point you just joined! YAY CONGRATS! Or as those lawyers like to call it "entered a legal obligation" But who cares you got a sweet deal on Veggie Tales! Oh wait, I agreed to PURCHASE a certain amount of movies from them...I guess its OK, after all this isn't a bad price. Wait...The discounted movie was part of a "Welcome Package" and now I have to pay full price? WTF Mate?!

Director's Selection

But I mean they most likely have movies that are cheaper anyways...THEY DO! Twenty-One times per year, you will be informed of the "Director's Selection" movie. Now don't fuck this part up, if you want the movie you have to tell us, and you will get a discount. If you don't want the movie and you don't tell us you get it anyways and you DO NOT get a discount...just a little extra fuck you for the forgetfulness.

Not saying anything is consent right? Right?

Oh and one more thing, Director's Selection movie purchases do not count towards your obligation of movies to buy during the terms of the agreement, regardless of the price paid. Even if you didn't want the movie, paid full price for it, and didn't bitch to Columbia House for slipping one in your butt; It still doesn't count for shit when it comes time to tally up the movies you HAVE TO BUY from them.

Just All Around Fuckery

So you think you're safe because you read this article and now know not to join such a shitty club? Oh, how you make me laugh. Living in your world of rainbows and free health care...You see they have a range of complaints against them at the Better Business Bureau, and my favorite one you ask? Signing random people up and sending them DVD's in the mail and claiming they have a legal obligation to give them money for said DVD. Oh Columbia House, who can stay mad at you ya adorable evil genius! Not understanding the balls on these people? Think of it like this, you are at your local electronics store and this unfolds.

Clerk: And here is a DVD you never heard of.

You: I don't want that DVD.

Clerk: But I already gave it to you, so you need to pay now.

You: I'm not going to pay, this is a joke right? Wheres Ashton?

Clerk: Look motherfucker we have a legal agreement now so pay or I call the fucking cops!

Or maybe they will just sell your debt to a collection agency, National Credit Solutions. Where supposed delinquents were not made known of their debt and most had not made purchases with the company for at least five years. I guess what I'm really saying is I think you should join, and then email me and tell me all about your hilarious misfortunes.

Side Notes

I'm not the one who spelled "Columbia" with an "O" in the title. Someone wanted an article about Columbia House so I accepted it flaws and all.

I also know its not spelled LULCATZ.

"Weird Al" Yankovic, in the song Albuquerque, implies that joining the Columbia Record Club is a much larger commitment than getting married or having children.