Computer Hackers

Computer hacking: Because 0110011001110101011000110110101100100000011110010110111101110101.

The types of hackers you shall meet.

...This guy. Apparently.

Just The Facts

  1. Computer hackers only ever hack for four reasons:
  3. Because I have candy in my van and no life.
  4. Because it makes me look edgy and cool.
  5. Because fuck you.

Basic Info on Hackers

The term 'hacking' was invented in the '60s by a random dude at a US university. Back in the day, it could be used only as complimentary, not derogatory... Keep in mind that back then, it was also cool to dress like an 1890's version of a scene kid.... so I maybe it was also cool to be a hacker?

Nowadays, it mostly means jailbreaking an iPod, cheating on video games or taking down web sites,, so apparently 50 years made them lame.

In any case, this tpoic will introduce you to the four different types of hackers: The Vigilante, the 40 Year Old Virgin, the Nerd, and the College-Age.

"Vigilante" Hacking

Inspired by V for Vendetta/Guy Fawkes, out of the bowels of an oppressed society, a group of sort of organised freedom fighters, using the power of HACKING, taking down their web sites to help save...people's... something.... their... making a....statement? Or... ANARCHY! FIGHT THE POWER, MAN!... Okay, problem solved.

Anyway, they're called Anyonymous, and they basically decide what's injust and what's wrong with society, and they kill it. With HACKING.

On first glance, that sounds pretty bad-ass. And sometimes, it is. Anonymous took down the Department of Justice web site for taking down Megaupload, disabled web sites from the FBI, Universal Music Group, the RIAA, the (MPAA), and Broadcast Music, Inc in protest of SOPA.

Pretty awesome, right?

Well...sort of.

Ignoring the fact that taking down those web sites is actually the equivalent of taking down a poster that the Department of Justice or the FBI hung up, they also act like pretentious dicks. A lot.

Their videos consist of classical music vocalization over the sound of a male GLaDOS talking about shit we already know,

"The media is CENSORING and OPPRESSING us, and that's BAD!"

"We don't like the government!"

"We're super badass and really really cool! Look at us! See? Look! Listen! We look down the Westboro Baptists! Screw those guys."

"Hello? ....HELLO? Is this thing on?"

40 Year Old Losers.

Basically, this guy if he had a computer.

These are the people who have trained themselves to hack all their lives. That's the only reason they are good at it.

That is how they have chosen to spend their lives- learning how to phish through the front door and break firewalls through the back door.

These guys are different from the other groups in that this could be anyone. It doesn't require skill or intelligence to be one of these guys- just a fuckload of free time and fifty cans of ramen. Of our four groups, these are by far the least impressive.