Backstreet Boys

The Backstreet Boys (also known as "BSB" or "Not NSYNC") were a very successful boy band around the Y2K scare. Their style is a mixture of synchronized dancing, pop music, and ambiguous sexuality.

Just The Facts

  1. The Backstreet Boys are a "boy band" or a "music group." If you call them "musicians" or an "actual band" they get very offended.
  2. The group originally contained 5 members. The fans only ever cared about 3 of them though.
  3. As long as there be music, they'll be coming back again.

History and Rise to Fame

In 1993, the boy band was created by the alleged pedophile and notororiously obese criminal, Lou Pearlman. None of them doubted that "Backstreet Boys" was a poor choice of a name, since the assumption was they would utterly fail before anyone ever heard of them.

Feeling iffy about whether or not they could compete with hits like Tag Team's "Whoomp! (There It Is)," they sent the Boys to the land of shitty pop music: Europe. Aftert finding success overseas they came back to the US and became ridiculously famous.

One of their earliest hits was "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)," which was very confusing for everyone, since this was the first time we'd even heard of them. Most males 13-25 proclaimed in response, "We wish you had left!"

Their music videos have no plots and most are just an excuse to take off their shirts or get wet for no disernable reason. The early years featured a lot of synchronized dancing in masculine outfits, usually with props.

Shit hit the fan in 1999, when they released their second album "Millennium." On May 18th, 500,000 teenyboppers simultaneously orgasimed, making it basically the best selling album of all time, and insuring there would be many more albums to come.

Eventually they decided they wanted to be "musicians," so they started playing instruments and "co-writing" their songs. The fans loved it even more because it made the Boys more "legit."

The Boys

This group is comprised of 5 youngins who each fulfill a stereotype essential to a successful boyband.

"The Heartthrob" - Nick

Young and innocent, Nick (also known as "The Blonde One") was supposed to be a clean cut poster boy every girl could take home to her mama. This means that in reality, he was secretly an alcoholic and drug addict. He was also known for several years as the one who would not take off his shirt, leaving nine year olds lusting after his shirtless image like Cracked readers lust after nudies of Megan Fox.

His main talent is singing with his eyes closed, to show how much passion he has.

"The Bad Boy" - AJ

AJ (pronounced: aaaaaa-JAY) was meant to be the antithesis of Nick, usually illustrated by the fact he was constantly removing his shirt. In reality they were both basically three steps from the Betty Ford Clinic. With AJ, this was more apparent by the fact that he looked drugged out of his mind in every single group picture.

His main talent is to hump any and everything he can to show how sexual and "bad" he is.

"The Christian" - Brian

Brian (also known as "The One Who Had Heart Surgery and Talks About it Way Too Much") has his priorities: God first, then his chihuaha, and then his wife. As wholesome has they come, there's no scandals here.

His main talent is his cheekbones.

"The Gay One" - Howie

Howie (also know as ) was selected to corner that small (and still mostly closeted at that time) tween homosexual demographic. He was often the odd one out in group photographs or making bizarre faces. He did not seem to have an purpose beyond that.

His main talent is singing all the really high parts.

"The One they Added So There Would Be 5" - Kevin

The only way to explain Kevin (also known as "The One No One Likes") is that he's Brian's cousin. The general assumption is he was sick of his Disney gig playing Aladdin, so Brian got him the hook-up. He was basically 40 years old when the band formed, so the fan base didn't really "get it." Once he wore a skirt (See picture above).

His main talent is standing in the background and having passive facial hair competitions with AJ.

Poor Choices

It's common knowledge that the Boys have made several poor choices throughout their existence. The highlights are best represented by the following photos.

Hard. Core.

Is Brian having an orgasm?

Backstreet Men?

In 2002, the Boys started having problems with their management, so they decided to take a little break. As all boybands do, most of the members attempted solo careers, which to the surprise of the entire world completely and utterly failed.

After three years of dicking around, the Boys decided to release their new album "Never Gone." Males 13-25 everywhere yelled "FAIL!" as the album received one star from Rolling Stone's review.

The Boy's fame has waned in recent years, mainly do to the fact that their fan base has either started having real sex on a regular basis or discovered Twilight. Also, since they're all in their 30s now and still refer to themselves as "The Backstreet Boys."

In an attempt to keep their image "young and hip," they kicked Kevin out of the band in 2006. This made sense since he was about 80 years old at that point and had yet to contribute anything useful to the group.

Their sixth album was their first time as a foursome. It's not worth talking about.