Redheads
Redheads: The Ghosts Who Walk
Just The Facts
- Teasing red hair is on the rise. Talk to your kids about why big hair is wrong.
- Teasing red haired-people is also on the rise. This is fine, provided the insults get a little cleverer.
Redheads -- they're almost just like us!
WHAT CAUSES RED HAIR?
A low incidence of the pigment eumelanin coupled the presence of the pigment McGinlemin, which is also responsible for me eyeballing your redheaded daughter at the neighborhood Christmas party.
Secondary causes of your child's red hair are conceiving in an upside down position, being a witch, and the fact that your mailman is Irish.
WHAT ARE SOME EPITHETS FOR A REDHEAD?
Carrot Top, Copper Top, Strigoi Vii, Burning Bush, Firecrotch, and other milquetoast observations.
They're still really defensive about it, though.
If you're an art history major, you might call red hair "Titian." But if you're an art history major, why are you reading Cracked? Go swirl some brandy, ya literate fuck.
The English use the term "Gingers" because they don't understand their own language. When people with strawberry-red hair are called Gingers and people with ginger-colored hair are Strawberry Blondes, someone needs to get beaten with an Oxford English Dictionary.
WHY DO SO MANY ENGLISH PEOPLE HATE REDHEADS?
When you're as pale as England, you take any opportunity to mock someone so white they're transparent.
ARE REDHEADS DISAPPEARING?
That's just a Procter & Gamble guerilla marketing virus. In reality, redheads can write their own genetic ticket after an entire generation sexually imprinted on Jessica Rabbit.
IS IT TRUE REDHEADS DON'T HAVE SOULS?
The question isn't what makes you doubt redheads have souls; it's what makes you think anyone does? Except dogs, obviously; dogs are great. Not little dogs, though. Any dog under 15 lbs is officially a cat until it proves it can do cool dog stuff other than yap a lot. No fucking way does a cat have a soul unless it stole one from the baby it suffocated. Unless that baby was redheaded.
Redheads in History
- I've classified all the redheads below according to their type, then assigned them a five-point Redhead Rating based on how close that type gets them to core Redhead essence.
Boudica - If you're wondering where redheads get their reputation for a fiery temper, ask a citizen of Londinium. Oh wait, you can't because Brythonic queen Boudica burned it off the map with her hair after mutilating more people than a SoCal plastic surgeon.
But be fair - Rome had flogged her, raped her daughters, and enslaved her tribe. That's not a hot temper; that's the plot of a Mel Gibson film.
Everyone is bastards
CORE VALUES REACHED: Highly aggressive
Elizabeth I - Not being English or oppressed by the English, the only thing I know about this woman is she's Cate Blanchett. But watch me fake it: she hated Spaniards, betrayed her promises to the Irish and persecuted Catholics. Also, I think she used to fistfight Shakespeare when she was drunk.
Is the Prince Consort of England title worth
marrying a woman without eyebrows? It's a dilemma.
CORE VALUES REACHED: Possible alien hybrid
Thomas Jefferson - He's pretty well-respected for someone who kept slaves. These days if you imprison your wife's sister and impregnate her several times, you're going to end up in prison, or worse, reality TV.
Oh, Jefferson! You're always enslaving your own children.
CORE VALUES REACHED: Lying/Hypocrisy
Winston Churchill -
He was not only the first bulldog to be elected Prime Minister of Britain, he was a redhead posing as a bald man. There are no color pictures, so I'm counting on the resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman to convince you.
Cripes! Is that his mom or did he pick up gorgeous women
by telling them he'd be Prime Minister one day?
CORE VALUES REACHED: Utter Do Not Fuck Withery
Redheads to drive a man mad
CORE VALUES REACHED: Nearly indomitable spirit, Extreme Irishness
CORE VALUES REACHED: Actually did have a hybrid alien baby
I punched my way out of the womb three months early to watch this cartoon.
CORE VALUES REACHED: Making me lose my mind
It's like red hair has a super power, and it's being Julianne Moore.
CORE VALUES REACHED: Tiger in the sack & Being Julianne Moore
+
That's even hotter than the first picture.
Borat's wife. I'll say that again: BORAT'S WIFE.
Redheads to drive a woman mad
This is the only redhead women are hot for:
A sense of humor will get you everywhere.
CORE VALUES REACHED: Sharp wit, seducing an entire gender
Though your mom might like:
YEEAAAAAHHH
CORE VALUES REACHED: Surviving in Miami
And one for your brother who writes slash-fiction:
Suddenly, it's a metaphor.
CORE VALUES REACHED: Extremely vulnerable to peril
Brendan McGinley is a lucky fella. You'll want to read the comic he writes.
More Brendan Topics
Check out Brendan's look at Dating Older Women, his internet famous look at Women's Magazine's and their Advice About Relationships, or his look at The Typical Glenn Beck Broadcast.
Or if you're in the mood to read and be scared of your computer, check out 5 Terrifying Ways Your Own Gadgets Can Be Used to Spy On You.
but if you say "Ali G's wife" it makes more sense. SBC is a genius.
ReplyI was not aware of the fact they were together until I heard they were divorcing.
Yes, Isla is boner-raging HAWT.
NO, I do not care for SBC or his sloppy seconds.
Damn you, Borat. damn you to Hell!
Kasumi from DoA, busty, asian redhead that can kick your ass without effort (yes, I know she's fictional)
ReplyEh, I wouldn't say my hair is quite red...
ReplyIt's actually more like a 'black' color.
I'm over 50% italian, which makes me over 50% awesome.
Though I'd like to argue that being Italian doesn't make you instantly awesome, I don't understand how anyone would mistake black hair for any sort of red.
Unless you were just being an ass about having black hair.
OH MAN OH MAN GINGERS DON'T FEEL PAIN!!!!
Reply....well not actually true but it was the first thing that popped into mind when I read the first subheading under "Medical implications of the red hair gene" in the wiki link....
What, no Peg Bundy? A generation of auburn beauties with enormous boobs modeled themselves after her--leaving her off the list might turn out to be a bad decision.
ReplyYou wouldn't want to piss us off.
My hair really is not red, it is a light sandy brown with no hint of "strawberry" whatsoever. Nonetheless, I have several friends who insist upon calling me a "ginger" because my skin is milk pale and I have a lot of freckles. According to the guy who started it, God intended me to be a redhead but the design got mixed up somewhere along the way. So I get teased for being a red-head even though I am a brunette.
ReplyEh, just dye it. Might as well get the sex while you're at it.
Red is my favourite hair colour on guys, but I have never heard of the fellow on the rolling stones cover... gosh sometimes I feel like I live under a rock.
ReplyAre you sure you just don't recognize him in his luscious mohawk/Jimmy Newtron impersonation? I feel like if you read Cracked you've probably heard of Conan O'Brien.
firey sexpot here, I'll get pissed at the world, then go to town in the sack.
ReplyIs the pop star La Roux a natural redhead? Her hair is such a gorgeous colour! Mind you, she looks like Tin Tin. I wouldn't tap that.
ReplyIn high school nearly all the girls had either bleached their hair almost white or dyed it black. They all looked like prostitutes. They bullied me for having orange hair until their boyfriends started asking me to go to the Year 10 social 3 years ago.
ReplyPretty sure my mum has a crush on that douchebag from CSI. If you so much as mention changing the channel while he's on the screen she goes berserk.
ReplyI'm a ginger, and I am hot for Dana Scully. Holy FACK.
ReplyRedheads, rangas, gingers, call them what you will. The truth is we shall rise up and poke out the eyes of every non-ginger individual with our wirey orange pubes...then build some sort of giant umbrella to block out the sun so our melanin-mad skin can get the respite it deserves.
ReplyIt is coming.
Can we rise up during night time? The sizzling sound I make outside has been known to attract wolves.
Malachi from Children of the Corn, scared the beejeezus outta me, red hair and freckles shouldnt be so creepy. Simon Pegg is a ginger, who has no soul, he's an atheist. I do think he's cute.
ReplyOUTLANDER!!!!!
I still don't understand why people make fyn of redheads. I was/am
Replyunder the impression that it was South Park's fault.
So apparently there's some actual basis to it - they're often associated with Irish people, who have/had a lot of prejudice against them depending on the place and the time.
But mostly it's fun to make fun of a group that you can't get "in trouble' for, since everyone knows it's not serious.
Even if you can't get in "real trouble" for it it's still a little silly.
My mother is a redhead. She's getting older, so her hair is now a pale blonde. My sister has a freaking aphro of fire. When you part her hair in the back, you can also see some golden hairs and even some pale silvery hairs too. She's 19!
ReplyHow did you get that good of a sight of the back of your sisters' head? Must be from Alabama.
It happens, I get blonde hairs when I've been in the sun and my beard is ginger + black + pale silver depending on the length. Never had my firecrotch out in the sun enough to see if THAT turns silver too...but it's my summer project.
Even though my mom's a redhead, technically making me half-ginger and my older brother a Daywalker, I still got quite a few chuckles out of this.
ReplySecondary causes of your child's red hair are conceiving in an upside down position, being a witch, and the fact that your mailman is Irish.
ReplyLOVE IT!
Yeah...Alyson Hannigan, Felicia Day, Christine Hendricks...all NOT actual redheads. They're dye jobs.
ReplyAnd they're all my favorite people. I'm inspired - I'm getting my hair dyed red.
Watch the Catherine Tate Show. She explores gingerism in a special and hilarious way.
Reply