Wall

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Just The Facts

  1. Walls have been made of brick, straw or stick. Today, if those last two weren't good enough to save two little pigs, they aren't good enough to save your fat ass.
  2. Walls are very important parts of a house, as houses without walls go by the name of 'tents' or 'poor architectural housing plans'.
  3. It is unwise to underestimate the importance of walls, as they have great roles in literary and historical works.

About Walls

Walls are one of civilization's most important creations. Underappreciated and disrespected, it's the Rodney Dangerfield of concrete structures.

Whereas roofs are considered the George Carlin of architecture.

Walls are commonly made of brick, metal, or wood, with the purpose of shielding a house's residents from the elements, or shielding that house's resident's neighbor from viewing that resident during their perverse sexytime period.

Walls: protecting you from real-life images of men like these since the prehistoric era.

So You Want to Build A Wall? (Don't)

Common-era houses have walls as one of its most important parts, like what the heart is the human being or what childish riddles are to the Riddler. Houses commonly have walls made of concrete or brick, which is designed by architects, planned by engineers, charged heavily by contractors, and paid for dearly by homeowners.

Above: metaphor for your typical housing contractor.

However, the construction of a wall can be an easy task, provided that you have the money, time, resources, patience, and undamaged fingers to do it. Alternatively, one could even ditch the four last requirements and hire a contractor to do the job. That way, you get to keep your remaining unsevered digits and enjoy a cold glass of lemonade, lying on your hammock as you watch the contractor and his men play Crushed Finger Roulette.

"I'm not paying you eight hundred bucks to keep all your bodily appendages. Chop chop!"

On the other hand, some men, as prideful creatures, would choose to undertake the creation and repair of their own wall. These men can be identified by the fact that the words 'trained professional' mean nothing to them, although they hold phrases 'Arrghh IHITMYTHUMBFUCK" and 'SUNNUVABALLSThis hurts so bad' in high regard.

For the stubborn wannabe wall-builder, there are several websites on the Internet that explain how to build a brick wall by yourself. These instructions show videos and pictures of how your walls will not look like. The typical man follows instructions so terribly that it's a miracle IKEA parts don't all end up like oversized, termite-housing Lego pieces.

Depicted: A better alternative to concrete brick walls.

In that same line of reasoning, the typical man could turn his third do-it-yourself gazebo project into a budding surgeon's first major operation. It all comes down to the fact that whatever efforts one makes into building a good wall, they will a) always screw it up, and b) see something that will make them regret ever trying to build a wall in the first place.

Thy typical man's inability to build walls is one of the reasons why evil will always score a win.

The Importance of Walls

Walls, despite their seemingly disregarded importance in today's world, actually has a lot of hold on the way civilization sees itself today. Below are a few events illustrating what would happenn without them:

The Cask of Amontillado would end in a heart-to-heart talk about Montresor's hurt feelings, thus costing Edgar Allan Poe his reputation as a revered horror writer. Driven into poverty, his death would be hastened by the fact that the Washington County Hospital would not have any walls, causing increased exposure to elements as well as fever.

All because Poe would have written an emotionally-charged story about a ghost elf.

Without the Great Wall of China, Barbarians would have invaded the shit out of China, zombie-turning them into barbarians, and we would never have had the benefit of having a small part of Chinese culture in our major cities (read: Chinatown.)


As shown above.

The Three Little Pigs would have ended with all three pigs being consumed by the Big Bad Wolf. In that same line of thinking, the entire story would been renamed How the Big Bad Wolf Destroyed the Pigs' Tents and Got His Dinner.

Also, we would never have had the pleasure of seeing a mutated, anthropomorphic egg die from cracking his head, thus losing the reassuring thought that Humpty Dumpty can be killed after viewing this:

Humpty Dumpty had aGAAAAAAH!

Darts would never have taken off as a sport, reduced to a minor copycat of horseshoe toss:

Let's see you enjoy hours of challenging fun now, fucko.

Shooting Games like Counter-Strike, Halo, or Left4Dead would be spectacles of bravery and nobility, not sniper-related assassinations. Also, games like Counter-Strike, Halo, or Left4Dead would suck ass due to lack of challenging hiding places.


"Go on without me! There are no concrete shielding structures to save me now!"

Oh, and pin-up posters? Forget about them. Pin-up posters would lose their means of structural support, forcing untold millions of men to gawk and them on floors, or while just using one hand. In turn, neck/arm strain-related cases would increase.

"Hmm...nurse, check this one out for masturbation-related injuries."

For all these reasons and more, walls must always be treated with utmost respect, if not fear.


Children will never know how close they came to reading this.