Avril Lavigne

Avril is not only a total babe, but also the greatest and most influential musical artist of all time. She's also totally punk.

The last guy who got a piece of this died from an overdose of punk.

Avril is well known for her ability to self beautify.

Just The Facts

  1. Avril is the empress of punk.
  2. Avril was married to that dude from Sum 41 but broke up with him after a dispute over whose music was more likely to not win a Grammy.
  3. Her songs are so bad they're good.

The Birth of Avril

Although it is yet to be scientifically proven by scientists, the most widely held theory of Avril's birth is that she was born sometime around 1984 to a region commonly referred to as America's Hat, but known to some as Canada. It is not certain, but most sources point to Thor, the Norse god of thunder as Avril's father, and her mother to be Joan Jett.

You see, the all powerful Thor was out clubbin' one night and knocked up the infamous chain-smoking, rum-chugging, Harley-riding, punk queen of the 80s, Joan Jett after drinking ten times his own body weight in the finest ale of all the land. The pair then spent the remainder of their night at a Motel 6 and engaged in the wildest, kinkiest, craziest, coitus that no mortal would dare to dream of. A few minutes later, a fully grown, punked-out, Avril exploded out of Joan Jett in a fashion not too dissimilar from a chestburster erupting from Kane in Ridley Scott's Alien.

You wish you were born like that.

Music Career

Some say Avril's voice is flawless. Others, perfect. Still, an even greater majority express that her voice is akin to, "Taking like 4 hits of ecstasy and then injecting yourself with heroin after you've just found ten bucks in the wash." While it's true that everyone loves Avril and timeless classics like, "Girlfriend," and "Sk8er Boi," a select few have decreed that her music is just plain bad. They were last seen headless, floating somewhere in Lake Ontario.

You don't EVER mess with Avril.

Charity Work

Since Avril is ever so kind and caring, she sometimes feels it's necessary to sing songs that raise billions and billions of dollars for starving African children. Well, it's not that she actually feels it's important to save people's lives; she merely wants more people to live so they can buy her albums and she can transform these cash dollars into units of punk, making her at least as powerful as one of the lamer Greek gods.

Even Gary Coleman could kick his ass.

Avril = 2012?

As the Mayans supposedly once said, "The world will end in the year 2012." Although there is "almost no proof that suggests this is true", or has, "little to know logic or reasoning to back up this claim," people are nonetheless undeterred by these statements and view this long deceased civilization to be 100% credible and correct. Recent crack-pot scientists, astrologers, and other self-proclaimed conspiracy experts have come to the conclusion that Avril may very well release an album in 2012 that is so malevolent, the Earth may choose to explode itself in an attempt to stop the shrill caterwauling that is Avril's voice.

Please... Just stop... We'll do anything... Anything!

But fret not, people of the Earth. It is widely believed that the UN has gotten together and amassed an army in an attempt to ensure this doesn't happen. At the time of this writing, sources indicate that more than a million soldiers, thousands of tanks, a legion of nuke-carrying zeppelins, and even Gundams have been assembled should the need arise to prevent her from releasing more "music."

Tank tops and cycling shorts never go out of style.

When a few reporters (May God have mercy on their souls) went to Avril's castle/underwater fortress and asked whether her world-ending rumors were true, they were met with this:

Her punk level is over... 9000!?!?

They have not been seen or heard from ever since.