Deadliest Warrior

Deadliest Warrior is a show on Spike. It attempts to discover who would win in a fight between history's greatest warriors. It is considered to be entertaining despite its "experts", faulty science, ham-fisted reasoning, and endless shit talk.

Medical Knowledge: It appears that these repetitive stabs to the head may in fact

Educated Debate: Oh yeah! Well... VIKINGS ARE TOTALLY GAY!

Historical Accuracy: They of course have the compiled height and weight of every gladiator throughout Roman history on hand

Just The Facts

  1. Deadliest Warrior pits two warriors from history and recreates who would win if they did come to blows
  2. It creates an outcome based on which warrior's weapons do the most damage to a gelatine torso, this is to replicate what would happen if said warrior attacked an armless, legless naked man
  3. There are obvious flaws in this reasoning
  4. Regardless of all this, a Ninja fights a Spartan and a Viking fights a Samurai

The Hosts

The show itself is hosted by three experts in their own fields, Geoff Desmoulin a high speed camera operator and biomedical engineer who has the prestigious job of watching a guy attack a torso in slow motion whilst going either "Hmmmm" or "Whoa!". Max Geiger runs the battle simulations through a computer game system for added accuracy whilst accompanying Geoff with his varied dialogue and all the time looking like he's just happy to be out of his parents basement. Finally Dr. Armand Dorian who uses his medical expertise to determine whether fatal wounds are indeed fatal, essentially stating the complete obvious after every weapon demonstration whilst trying to throw in as much medical terminology as possible, all in all trying desperately to justify his presence.

"The fact that his jugular has been completely destroyed may impair his fighting ability and possibly lead to death"

The "Experts"

In each episode a new group of "Experts" are selected to represent their chosen warrior and to argue in his favour whilst demonstrating their warrior's weapons, tactics and abilities. These experts usually consist of A) a older guy to endlessly bullshit about how great their warrior is in order to induce hype, and B) a younger guy to demonstrate the weapons on a selection of gel torsos and fresh meat products for a realistic outcome. In order to be a successful expert you must have six defining qualities.

- A selection of weapons that may or may have not been used by your warrior

- A smug air of undeserved superiority

- No genuine historical knowledge

- A highly hyperbolic vocabulary

- Childish catty taunts to use against the other experts

- A deep seated and slightly disturbing love for your warrior and his weaponry

"This is my halberd. There are many like it, but this one is mine......"

The Outcome

After "lengthy" and "scientific" tests in which each one of the weapons is compared to a single other, the results are compiled and given to Max Geiger to enter into his supercomputer which goes on to simulate "1000 battles" with his "sophisticated computer program". After a brief matrix-esque loading scene the viewer is treated to a poorly acted out version of the supposed battle which comes across as a high budget two man LARP show where each warrior uses each of the weapons shown exactly once before discarding it and then finishing his opponent with the one remaining weapon in a dramatic fashion.

The true loser of the battle however is history

With the battle done it is revealed which weapon got the most kills over the 1000 simulated battles, this showing that despite all the "extensive testing" the winner is basically chosen over who has the biggest overkill ability and is entire dependant on how much they trashed an inanimate gel torso in testing proving that the show is really just trying to sell factless crap to fanboys. The losing experts then cordially accept defeat complain of bias and inaccuracy on the part of the "sophisticated computer program".

However regardless of this, you essentially watch 45 minutes of people destroying things with really cool weapons and no matter how stupid it is we've all dreamed of having this as a job since we were 5. Also, there's a Spartan fighting a fucking Ninja.