Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn, a Life

Audrey Hepburn with a disposable diaper on her head

Audrey pulls the old

Just The Facts

  1. Audrey Hepburn was named third greatest actress of all time by the American Film Institute
  2. Her parents were fascist sympathizers during World War Two
  3. Ms. Hepburn was goodwill ambassador to UNICEF

Early Life

Audrey Hepburn was born May 4th 1929 in Belgium. Despite her parents' wealth and her better efforts, she would never weigh more than twice her birth weight. Although she was born "Audrey Kathleen Ruston", her father added "Hepburn" to the family surname to match a mysterious tattoo on his buttock. Much of Audrey's childhood was spent at the Huis Doorn manor house, just a few miles from lovely downtown Doorn in the Netherlands. When she wasn't at home, Hepburn was traveling between Belgium, England and the Netherlands, a trio of countries so dull that they were left out of most atlases between 1910 and 1925.

Hepburn's father left the family in 1935. Being a fascist and a Nazi sympathizer, Joseph Hepburn-Ruston was as popular as gonorrhea-pus anyway. Audrey's mother, Ella Van Heemstra, took her daughters to live in the Netherlands so they would be safe from Hitler's army. She had a lot of other good ideas as well. When the Germans did invade the Netherlands in 1940, they were ready. Audrey Hepburn changed her name to Edda Van Heemstra. Apparently, the Nazis were seeking out citizens of the United Kingdom (which Audrey was) and trapping them by leaving tea and biscuits under a dead-fall.

Because she was a proficient dancer, Audrey danced at secret ballet performances and gave the proceeds to the Dutch resistance, who used it to buy pornography and power tools. Hepburn once told Coronet Magazine that "the best audience [she] ever had made not a single sound at the end of [her] performance". Sadly, this was due to the fact that most of the audience had been arrested the previous day at a secret heavy metal performance. That she survived the war was nothing short of a miracle.


Despite her training in classical dance, Hepburn was told that she would have to find another way to support herself; apparently, she could only function well at secret performances and those fell out of fashion after the war. Audrey Hepburn modeled for a while; however, at one hundred and three pounds, she was far too heavy to achieve greatness in that field. She went on to film, where the public was hungry for a charming woman with A-cup breasts and size ten feet.

This was the Hollywood of yesteryear: Where a woman could be discovered at a drug store soda fountain, given a screen test the next day, then raped like a prison-bitch on some producer's couch. It was a glamorous era. When she came in to audition for Gigi, the director continued filming after the screen test. After looking over the rushes, he announced, "That's our girl!". It was a Hollywood fairy tale almost completely void of couch-rape.

After a stellar performance, Hepburn went on to make movies with Alfred Hitchcock, Rex Harrison and Gregory Peck. Her last starring role was in the movie Robin and Marian, which she made with Sean Connery. Rumor has it that she quit show business after watching the Scottish actor devour a script girl.


During and after her film career, Audrey Hepburn was very active with UNICEF. Volunteers were amazed at how readily the glamorous film star would touch, hug...even snort cocaine off of the buttocks of the filthy third world children. She often bragged about UNICEF's vaccinating the entire country of Turkey in ten days, although for what disease no one would say; suffice it to say that it was "extremely nasty". Because UNICEF was a children's relief fund, Ms. Hepburn would often check IDs. She was surprised at how often a young-looking twenty-three year old would try to scam a free meal just because he was starving to death.


Audrey Hepburn died in 1993 in Switzerland. I was nowhere near at the time and have witnesses to that effect.