Spoiler Alert: All Tequila is bad tequila.
Just The Facts
- There are several brands of tequila that vary in terms of both price and taste.
- You CAN find cheap tequila, but the taste is invariably awful, or, "poison-esque."
- You CAN find tasty tequila, but the price is roughly two months your salary.
- Just drink beer.
Cost: Cheap, but really they should be paying you to drink it.
Percent Alcohol by Volume: The percent that kills you.
Review: "This tequila tastes like you're swallowing burnt Styrofoam." - BoozeBasher.com
That's a little unfair to Styrofoam. Styrofoam, even the burnt kind, is at least kind of soft and fluffy. It's not tasty but can still be considered a decent sensory experience, because it doesn't actively hurt your throat on the way down. Sauza is the opposite of that. Sauza knows it's dying, and it's going to work its damndest to take out as many other guys with it on the way down. This includes your tongue, taste buds, soul and sense of decency in this world. Sauza is what the parents of other tequila brands use as a boogeyman to scare their children into being tasty. Sauza's a salty mix of hot garbage and all of your nightmares. If hate was a liquid that you could drink, you would use it as a chaser for Sauza.
Taste: Sauza Tequila doesn't go through the traditional distillation process that most brands go through. Instead, the bottlers wait for someone to get drunk on different Tequila, and then simply bottle that person's vomit and slap a Sauza label on it. This is why Sauza manages to stay so cheap, yet so, so poisonous.
Mixes Well With: Liquid detergent, your total lack of pride.
Will it Get Me Drunk? See, here's the thing: No. It will just make you angry and dizzy, like a pitbull that got pushed down the stairs, or The Hulk in a tilt-a-whirl. You might throw a punch or two, but your heart's not in it. You're not mad at any person in particular, you're mad at an allegedly just God for allowing Sauza to exist.
Jose Cuervo Especial
Cost: Dangerously affordable.
Percent Alcohol by Volume: 35-40
Review: "Jose Cuervo is the Paris Hilton of the Tequila world. When you go out with it, you just know that you are going to look and act slutty."- BoozeBasher.com
Taste: Jose Cuervo is certainly tastier than Sauza, but that is by no means an endorsement. It still very much tastes like alcohol with, yes, a hint of urine to it. Unlike most tequilas, this taste doesn't go away with time/drunkenness. It persists and refuses to go away, like an awful type of taste-herpes for your tongue. Still though it's decent in a margarita.
Mixes Well With: Orange juice, nudity,stripper perfume.
Will it Get Me Drunk? And how. Jose Cuervo's like Wolverine: he's the best at what he does, and what he does ain't pretty. (And neither will you be after a few drinks, but Lord knows you'll think you are.) That's the danger with Jose Cuervo. It's cheap enough that you can comfortably afford it, and it's only mostly urine, so it's not that awful to drink. Your face will be sufficiently shat by the end of the night. Jose is the closer you call in a pinch, the rough, morally flexible cop you call out of retirement because you just need someone to get the job done. You'll wake up the next morning miserable, bruised and horrified to learn that your pants somehow shit you, but hey, that's Jose Cuervo. You knew the risks when you signed up.
Cost: The most expensive Tequila you can afford without having a real job.
Percent Alcohol by Volume: 40
Review: "The 1800 tequila has a strong aroma and flavor that gets the job done and lets you know that you are most definitely drinking tequila. "-BoozeBasher.com
Also, 1800 gets distinction because it's almost always fucking impossible to just fucking open. You twist and pull the son of a bitch and, fuckin', when you finally do pop it off, all the tequila shoots out and splashes on your clothes and in your goddamn sonofabitching eyes. This is good in a "Hey, I can drink my shirt if I run out of booze" way, but terrible in a "holy shit nothing burns my eyes worse than tequila" sort of way.
Taste: Pretty tasty on the way down, but it also sort of tastes like a hospital up front, so you really have to choose your battles.
Mixes Well With: Sprite, Grand Marnier, your eyes.
Will it Get Me Drunk? You bet! And it's tastier than Cuervo, so it doesn't as much feel like punishment when you drink it. Your hangover the next day will be pretty vicious, but the bottle's patented blinding mechanism will have given you bigger problems to deal with than a little old headache. Because there's so much 1800 in your eyes, every time you blink, you smell margaritas which, believe us, gets old real fast.
Cost: Nope. Does it even matter?
Percent Alcohol by Volume: 40
Review: "It's pure, unadulterated tequila; nothing more, nothing less." -BoozeBasher.com
That sounds like an ad out of a GQ magazine or something, but as we have no frame of reference, we're left to assume that the folks at Booze Basher know what they're talking about. Also, it sounds delicious.
Taste: We've actually only ever seen it rap videos. But those fellas seem to be having a decent enough time, so we bet it tastes pretty good.
Mixes Well With: Diamonds? Monocles? Twista?
Will it Get Me Drunk? Again, we're just going on hearsay here, but we're leaning towards "Yes," though we're not sure if Rich People Drunk is any different from Normal Drunk. We imagine there are just appropriate analogues, like rich people will drink too much tequila and misplace their jets, instead of their pants. Normal people will get in a fight with the bouncer and go home with a black eye, rich people will get in a fight with the owner and go home after having purchased the entire bar and sold the previous owner's family into slavery. Normal people will call up ex-girlfriends, rich people will simply build lifelike exgirlfriend androids on their moonbases.
That sort of thing.