Pandora

I know what you're all thinking: "What's this about Greeks and jars and shit? None of this was in Avatar." Well, you're about to get schooled in Greek mythology.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident'

I'd like to unleash mankind's woes from HER box!

The biggest

I'd much rather have had this Pandora's Box, but to each their own.

Just The Facts

  1. Pandora's Box is a Greek myth that tells the story of how a woman called Pandora was inadvertently responsible for Mankind's suffering.
  2. Despite what you may have learned from God of War, it does not enable you to have a duel with Ares by making you giant.
  3. The Greek word 'pithos' actually means 'jar' but was mistranslated as 'box'. So the story should really be called 'Pandora's Jar'.
  4. Of course, that doesn't leave as many opportunities for jokes about female genitals.
  5. E.g. "Man, I opened Pandora's Box so hard last night."

The Story Itself

So, in this place called Greece (you may have heard of it), there was a dick called Zeus. It was very unfortunate that Zeus was a dick, because he was, you know, King of the Gods. Zeus was such a big dick, that he didn't want mankind to have fire. It could better their lives by warding off dangerous beasts and helping them not freeze to death. And that's terrible.

It went kinda like this.

But there was a Titan, Prometheus, who was much less of a dick. He thought; "It's kind of unethical for Zeus to hog all this fire. I know! I'll be a good egg and give it to the humans to improve their overall quality of life." So Prometheus stole the secret of fire and gave it to mankind. And so, in a rare moment of compassion, Zeus realised what a douchebag he was, and resolved to only do good deeds from now on, to set a better example for humanity to follow...

Nah, I'm just kidding. He chained Prometheus to a rock and had an eagle tear his liver out every day for all eternity.

An asshole of mythic proportions. Hiyoooooooooo!

But that wasn't enough for Zeus (whose name, interestingly enough, was a colloquial term in ancient Greece for "complete cockbag"), who decided that mankind needed to be punished for Prometheus' act of kindness (no it doesn't make any sense. Just roll with it.). So he got Hephaestus to make the first woman, Pandora. Which is a bad thing, apparently. All the Gods helped in her creation. Of particular note were Hermes' contributions: "A shameful mind and a deceitful nature" and he also put "lies and crafty words" in her mouth.

Huh.

I can hear the Feminist Extremists knocking on my door already.

So, moving on from these horrific implications, the Gods gave Pandora to Prometheus' brother Epimetheus as a present, probably sniggering and making up excuses about jokes they'd been told earlier all the while. When the two got married, Zeus gave Pandora a jar for a wedding present which he told her never to open. It isn't mentioned whether or not he placed a giant neon sign on the jar which said "PLEASE OPEN ME", so we'll have to assume that he did.

So one day, when Epimetheus was nowhere to be found, Pandora thought "Hey, Zeus gave me that jar. And then he said not to open it. OMG LETS OPUN IT." , or something to that effect. So she did, in a move that probably gave Jedi all around the galaxy a massive headache.

It's as if millions of voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

So instead of jewels or dresses or whatever Pandora thought would be inside the jar, it turns out it contained bad things. That's not comedic frankness, it actually contained what can best be described as bad things. Greed, poverty, death, misery, the Star Wars Holiday Special and Justin Bieber.

In all fairness, comparing Justin Bieber to Death is a little unfair on Death.

In what must have been the most intesnse "Ohshitohshitoshitoshitoshit" moments ever, Pandora slammed the lid back on the jar. But there was still a little voice in the jar still begging to be set free. Pandora reasoned that nothing could be worse than what she'd just let out, and so she removed the lid, and a little thing called Hope (you may have heard of it) fluttered out.

Interview

So, after penning an article on Cracked about Pandora and her box, I went for a little chat with renowned Greek scholar Doctor Diadiktyo Psevdomai to enhance my knowledge of the story.

Me: So, Doctor, tell me a little more about the story of Pandora's Box that I might have forgotten to mention in my article.

Dr: Ah! Iisous Xristos! Who the fuck are you? What are you doing in my house?

Me: My pen name is An Barra, I wrote an article on Pandora's box and I heard you were very well informed on ancient Greek mythology, so I...

Dr: Well why the fuck did you break into my house? Why didn't you arrange an appointment?

Me: I'm banned from contacting all non-medical Doctors for the next four years.

Dr: What?

Me: It probably only would've been two years if I hadn't killed Richard Dawkin's dog.

Dr: Okay, that's it, I'm calling the fucking police. I'm...Shit, the phone's dead!

Me: Yeah, I figured you'd pull some shit like that.

At this point, the Doctor's words become hard to make out due to being strangled by someone. Or something. I don't know. He wakes up an hour later tied to a chair.

Dr: Pater hemon ho en toes ouranoes, hagiastheto to onoma sou...

Me: Hey! You're awake!

Dr: Please, let me go! I have a wife and child...

Me: Now, would you say that Pandora releasing Hope at the end of the story puts a more positive spin on things, or merely paved the way for things like disappointment and false hope?

A faint siren is heard in the distance.

Dr: Help! Help! Police! There's a madman in my house! He's tied me to a chair and is...

The Doctor's words again become hard to make out. Ten hours later, the police found him dead with a knife embedded in his chest.

A Note of Thanks

Thanks for reading the article everybody! And I hope it's as informative as my talk with the good Doctor was! And remember, you don't know the identity of the mysterious Keratsini Killer!

Remember, you know nothing!