The most horrifying space alien, goat sucking, government cover-up to ever come out of mexico (or any other place on the planet)
Just The Facts
- Named El Chupacabra for its uncanny ability to suck goats
- Originated in mexico after eight sheep were found dead
- Its like a alien, vampire, lizard thing that sucks blood of anything in its path, anything that is livestock that is.
History of the menace
This first reported sightings of this hellish creatured started around 1990 and could be found from Maine to Chile, so pretty much everywhere, besides canada. In 1995 the first attacks on live stock were reported in Puerto Rica when the creature apparently decided it was depressed from no media attention for five years and went on an eating binge killing over 150 farm animals.
"Lay off me im starving"
The Peurto Rican authorities determined that the killings were done by a satanic cult. A little more angered by the mainstream media, the little guy began killing off livestock and pissing off farmers for another 20+ years.
Yes these are the real theories...
- A government experiment gone wrong. After years of issueing soldiers pocket pussies and fleshlights to improve morale the government wanted to create something better and more life like. The answer: a genetically engineered sucking machine that is small enough to fit in a soldiers backpack. Unfortunatly the program failed because in creating such a creature with the sucking ability of pornstars across the globe no attention was paid to the physical appearance, upon seeing the creature its creators tossed it in the garbage where it escaped into the wild, to suck on goats for all eternity.
- Aliens, ofcourse what demonic creature would not come from outerspace? There are many different alien theories ranging from a alien pet that was left here to just an alien. Undoubtedly the best theory is that its an alien whos irresponsible dickhead parents didn't have the money for abortion and were to stupid to think adoption dropped the little s.o.b. here on earth, where it can suck on goats for all eternity.
- Vampires, not the twilight kind, were talking midget-latin-american-vampires. Everyone knows when midget latin-americans don't get enough sun they go from tan to green and have a thirst for the blood of farm animals.
- Aliens...agian, but this time there inter-dimensional aliens. Yup a species that has technology to travel through dimensions has no need for clothes, language, or interacting with the most inteligent beings on the planet, just sucking goats...forever.
- And last but not least the undiscovered animal theory, that authorities slap on to stuff like this because its more believable than aliens.
So, what can we conclude? Obviously we are dealing with an udiscovered-inter-dimensional-orphan-midget-alien-vampire-that escaped the clutches of the FBI and now just wants to live a peaceful happy life, sucking on goats, forever.
The sad, sad, almost anti-climatic ending to this tale came this month when CNN reported one of the creatures had been found dead, sending millions of people in latin-america and the south rushing to their computers to find pictures of this.....
"Im so fucking disapointed"
A taxidermist in Texas reported that he received the body from a former student whose cousin had discovered the animal in his barn, where it had OD'ed on his childrens flinstone vitamins. Leaving experts to determine the animal was a mutated coyote. Thats it Wile E. got ahold of the wrong shit from acme and turned himself into a goat sucking freak. Still it is undetermined wether this is actually what has been killing animals and stuff, but still if it is, what a lame ass creature.