The Cassowary

"The inner or second of the three toes is fitted with a long, straight, murderous nail which can sever an arm or eviscerate an abdomen with ease. There are many records of natives being killed by this bird." (Wikipedia)

Flightless bastard

Just The Facts

  1. Average height: five- to six-feet.
  2. It has no fear of death.
  3. Is not an ossuary. Dumbass.

Science

The casuarius casurarius, or southern cassowary, is part of the ratite group of flightless birds. While reports have all but dismissed the cassowary as being a significant threat to humans, it is nonetheless treated as a dangerous animal--note the aforementioned "straight, murderous nail" and its ability to rip through your fucking abdomen with ease. Are you retarded, science?

Males hold down territories of approximately seven square kilometers--a decent homestead, you'd think. We think less of the females, however, whose territories overlap several others. Those whores.

How It Can Kill You

The cassowary has the ability to run at speeds of up to 50 kilometers per hour, shredding through branches, sharp leaves and the elderly with its bitchin helmet (called a casque). Think you can get away? Guess again--it will run you the fuck down. On top of that, it can jump up to a meter in the air; or, high enough to kick a grown man right in the tits. The cassowary is an accomplished swimmer, excelling at both the breast and butterfly stroke. Once within range it will attempt to gore you with its hideous velociraptor talons, or touch you with its hilarious chin-balls. Biologists have failed to confront or acknowledge the cassowary's ability to transmogrify into the thing you fear most (which somehow looks exactly like a cassowary). Who are you going to believe, some fucking scientist?

How You Can Kill It

Standard self-defense techniques apply. For example, this article:

So you've angered a cassowary:

  1. Go closer.
  2. Threaten the bird, either verbally or by making obscene gestures
  3. Continue to approach
  4. The bird runs at you suddenly. Let it.
  5. The bird's claws inflict a horrible wound in your stomach
  6. Die

Failing this, attempt to:

  • Wave a stick at it
  • Feed it a drama student, or small child
  • Kick it in the penis