Jeans

Invented in the 19th century to promote chafing, the jeans has evolved from a thing used to cover the balls into a thing used to highlight the balls.

Editor's Note: Alluding to masturbation is no way to start an article.

Just The Facts

  1. Levi Strauss created the first pair of jeans when he accidentally mixed our trousers with your peanut brittle.
  2. Steel workers found that the material ironically provided them with the dexterity of steel.
  3. Rehash!
  4. Teenagers discover that nonconformism is 65% more efficient without khakis.
  5. Success. Progressive rock receives attention.

A Breif Discourse on Jeans

Why the damn should I care about jeans, you sickly short brimmed ass hatter?

At this very moment, your testicles are statistically inside of jeans.

I had no idea it was so serious...I'll have my scrotum removed this very day!

Relax, son, your member is in good hands. The versatility and unprecedented support of denim trousers make it ideal for people, who happens to be the world's largest consumer of denim clothier. And you aren't just any people...You're the regular James Cann of trousers.

What the hell are 'jeans'?

Jeans have many names: "snapping pair of jeans," "fucking pair of jeans," "shitting pair of jeans," etc. Jeans are a piece of fabric with man shaped holes in the bottom. Jeans are the poor man's knickers without the chinos. Wearing jeans is as American you can get without Hawaiian shirts.

Am I wearing jeans?

The 14 billions of sales figures indicate that you could be, if we try harder. Whatever the case, they're full of your farts and what is sure to be someone's semen (see summary image).

Why are jeans referred to in the plural tense, you single pair of monthly subscriptions to steaming idiocy?

If you'll take a look at this answer, you'll see that there is none. A hilarious mishap involving two or many peni, we imagine?

Why are jeans so popular, you douching fedora of harebrained piss residue?

The enduring success of jeans is due in no small part to corporate whoring. But you can also thank Hollywood for pimping out rebellious fashions that the hippies swallowed. Not to mention, they offered cheap, affordable comfort at a shitty price to pay for these jeans. And have you even seen the boner action?

Gratuitous Photo Montage

End of gratuitous photo montage. Mercifully, bulge free.