Battleship

A board game that tested your intelligence by forcing you to decide: Play it with pen and paper or give Hasbro eighty dollars.

Just The Facts

  1. A game of naval strategy based on random bombardments, invisible battle cruisers, and a perfectly rectangular ocean.

History of the game

Clifford Von Wickler invented the game of "Salvo" in the early 1900s, but just inventing an enduring classic is no way to make money. Which is why Milton Bradley stole it, renamed it "Broadsides," and hit the "patent" button to get all the money. That's patent law in one lesson, and also why it's often known as "The enemy of justice and invention."

With facial hair like that he probably could have taken down a battleship with a pen.

Milton Bradley, like every other board game manufacturer in existence, has since been bought by Hasbro.

Playing Battleship

It's like looking in a mirror!

Playing Battleship is simple:

  1. Pick a spot at random.
  2. Hope your enemy's random spot doesn't hit one of your ships.
  3. If you hit anything, pick all four spots around it before returning to step 1.
  4. Try not to die of boredom, return to step 1.

Some people insist that there is psychology in this incredibly simple game, which is actually true for them because of their incredibly simple psychology. Anyone actively entertained by the tactics of Battleship could be equally enthralled by rolling dice and trying to guess what numbers will come up, and is also

  • Legally retarded
  • The reason Las Vegas exists

Other Versions

Electronic Battleship Advanced Mission

The same non-game, but even more expensive, now it needs batteries, and the constantly repeating speech samples ensure it annoys the parents as much as the children! It also has a single-player mode, which we only hope activates a beacon so kidnappers can rescue the player from the saddest childhood imaginable.

Battleship GI Joe

Even GI Joe couldn't make battleship exciting, and GI Joe own a goddamn battleship. Realizing that they couldn't use Duke Plan #1 (Stick Rockets On It), they instead settled for painting pictures of rockets and making the board hexagonal. Perhaps hoping to attract a new "bored bee" market.

Xbox Live Battleship

You turn that machine off and give it to someone who'll use it properly right now.

Other Milton Bradley Games

Connect 4
Another elementary pen and paper converted into marketable plastic crap form, this time an expanded and retarded version of Tic-tac-toe. Classic "It just looks good" deeply flawed kids' game where it's possible for two players to permanently spite each other and never, ever get closer to winning.

Hungry Hungry Hippos
Game where you hammer the clicking lever over and over again to get a larger number than everyone else, but they didn't call the number "XP" it didn't do as well as the sequel, World of Warcraft.

Twister
Beloved of college students too unattractive to just ask people to rub against them.