Clash Of The Titans

'Clash of the Titans' is a classic half-stop animated film made in 1981 that was recently remade as 'Transformers 2' with a Kraken instead of a Constructicon ...

Just The Facts

  1. 'Clash of the Titans' is based on the myth of Perseus, a Greek god who was raised a man.
  2. The first 'Clash' had a sexy naked Andromeda; the remake has Liam Neeson playing a half-cyborg Zeus
  3. The remake's trailers and posters feature such original taglines as "Titans Will Clash" and "The Clash Begins"

Cracked on the Clash

Before we delve into the specifics of the original movie and the remake, let's first get down the basic story of the myth so we can see how each films approached it. Okay. So. King Acrisius learns of a prophecy that says when his daughter Danae gives birth, he will die. Since he is a self-centered jagoff, he locks his daughter away from society to lengthen his own life. However, he forgot that Zeus, king of the gods, loved his pussy young. When he saw poor little defenseless Danae over there, he decided she was practically begging for his godcock, and then knocks her up. Needless to say, Acrisius was pretty shocked. We imagine their awkward discussion would have gone something like this:

Zeus became a fan of "Being a Dick and Getting Away With it"

So Acrisius, wanting to still be king, decides to send his pregnant daughter and her (completely innocent) newborn son, Perseus, to the middle of the ocean in a wooden coffin, amidst an extremely deadly storm. This way, he figures, both of his children will die and he will get to be king. We're sure that he would have won Father of the Year if it were not for good ol' Zeus. Upset at the prospect that a man would send his own sexy daughter (and completely innocent newborn grandson) to her death, Zeus kills Acrisius on the spot.

Wait.

We all know Zeus is the king of the gods, but holy shit this guy has a good deal. He knocks up a chick and then kills her father and is still revered by mankind as the nobelest god.

I bone dem bitches and kill their pimps, yo.

By the time Perseus is all grown up, a power struggle has emerged between Hades and Zeus. Perseus makes it his mission to establish a "band of rebels" to infiltrate the ancient landscapes and the underworld to thwart Hades' attempts to take Zeus' power. You had to consider that Perseus is a pretty forgiving dude, as many guys would not go to such (if any) lengths to fight for the man (or god) that raped his mother. Like we said, Zeus gets a pretty sweet deal by being the king of Gods. And you know what they say about being the king:

It's good da be da king

Modern Updates

Like all adaptations, remakes and reboots, Clash of the Titans features some modern updates; either in terms of story progression, character development, dialogue, or references to modern pop culture. Here is a list of deviations from the original myth and 1981 fim as well as some modern updates:

  • Perseus wears Crocs
  • When Hades is first introduced, the song "I Gotta Feeling" is played
  • Zeus is a columnist at Cracked.com
  • On occasion, Perseus wil turn into an Avatar (due to Sam Worthington's lead role in both films)
  • On occasion, Andromeda will turn into an Avatar (just because)
  • The Kraken is heavily redesigned, looking more like a Godzilla - Mega Octopus hybrid
  • Medusa has green spaghetti for hair (budget constraints)
  • Every time something good or bad happens, all of the characters say "Dang, bro!"