Crossword Puzzles

If you're the kind of person without a future, wearing what resembles clothes from the 80's if you squint you're eyes, and dedicated to irony in all forms (both retarded and retardeder), then crossword puzzles are for you!

Yes, you will look this douchey if you do a crossword puzzle. One is all it takes.

Just The Facts

  1. Cross word puzzles are worse than death by bloody diarreha
  2. Doing crossword puzzles puts you on the same level as a hipster ironically wearing a garbage bag while riding a unicycle.
  3. Making crossword puzzles puts you one step closer to growing horns out of your fucking skull

The beginnings

Crossword puzzles have evolved over millennia, from simple cave etchings done by cavemen to huge and elaborate crossword puzzles, usually created by people who have the social skills of cavemen. What I'm saying is crossword puzzles are a slightly smugger version of cocaine- only the smuggest do it, and once you're hooked, your social life goes down the crapper. Did you know that the largest percentile of people about to commit suicide in elaborate ways are crossword puzzle doers? Keep in mind, I totally just made up that statistic, but prove me wrong. I dare you.

What kind of sick bastard would do them?

Anywho, crossword puzzles are usually only preformed by the smug, the socially inept, or a combination of both (hipsters). These people have nothing better to do than to read some clues, and come up with words that answer them, usually in a clever and complimentary fashion. What I'm saying here is that these crossword puzzles doers are dead on the inside. Just gone, hollow husks, like some goddamned zombie; only instead of brains it wants irony and the Sunday issue of the New York Times.

What kind of sick(er) bastards would make them?

And don't even get me started on those sadistic bastards responsible for these crimes they call puzzles. Yes, the infamous crossword puzzle maker, the ranks of which are suspected to have included repo-men, cashiers, Hitler, murses, and Satan. That's right, there's a level in hell dedicated to crosswords. There's also a level in hell dedicated to tits and awesome guitar solos, but hey, who's counting?

The conclusion

Cross word puzzles are a menace to society, as they promote hipsterisim, drug addiction (and you though pot was the gateway drug), and even news paper reading. Look at all these things you have to thank crossword puzzles for. Homeless people: crossword puzzles. Terrorism: crossword puzzles. Nicholas Cage: crossword puzzles (along with the heart of an orphan and centuries of accumulated bad acting. Oh burn). Do us all a favor, if you do crossword puzzles, go microwave your genitalia for a couple of hours. There are some genes we just plain don't want in our pool.

But seriously, there a great way to boost your iq and just plain kill time. Sue me.