If only you could kill them in real life.
Ever since video game companies have discovered the wonders of online production, every video game console has to have some connection to the Internet. Online playing is one of the reasons why some games have done so well (i.e. Modern Warfare 2) in terms of sales. But on a personal note, online playing is a great opportunity to most people, and it even helps establish a level of communication. Thanks to online multiplaying; I've been able to bond with some of my coworkers. The catch, however, is that there are some people online who take that fun experience and ruin it for everyone. These are the people you immediately toggle mute on, if that is such an option, God willing.
Maybe this guy was always picked last during kickball at recess, or was always on the worst soccer team in the league. Regardless, this gamer HATES losing--if you were to give him his own podium and let him speak out to a random group of people, you could swear he was a Democratic politician.
"We lost Massachusetts?! F**k this, I quit!"
What makes the Sore Loser most unappreciative is his lack of being a team player. Half way through the game you'll hear this guy say, "F**k this! I'm outta here!" At which point you are down a player, while the Sore Loser goes and finds another game to lose at. If the Sore Loser does make it through the game, chances are he will address the winning team with a civil statement of, "F**k you!" Followed by his quick retreat to his own lobby in order to salvage his precious diminutive ego.
It's kind of scary to think about it, but I know that eventually I might marry someone and have kids of my own. With that said, I will likely become the Dad. The Dad is the guy who decides to use online gaming as his recreational tool instead of something mundane like going shopping with his wife.
The problem lies within the fact that this guy has a wife. Of all the times for the wife to nag or shout at her husband is the same time I'm concentrating on sniping a guy in the head. Seriously folks, I'm about to get an innocent kill and instead of enjoying the peaceful sound of my sniper rifle going off, I have to hear some woman scream at her husband because he didn't separate the colors from the whites for the laundry. When did my head set turn into an audio log for someone's dysfunctional family life? Of course it's even worse when his kid is sitting next to him. The Dad's kid is usually a 3 to 5 year old boy who is not aware of the concept "very irritating". When I launch a rocket launcher at a group of noobs, the last thing I need to hear is, "Daddy can I play? Daddy what's that? What's going on? Can I play? Can I play? Can I play?" Foremost, why the hell is your kid even watching this?!
The World Salad is a man who contains a colorful vocabulary. By colorful vocabulary I mean this guy listens to 50 Cent all day and expresses his emotions with any cuss word you can envision. The Word Salad is the guy who failed to master English and the rules of grammar and literally said, "F**k it." When playing online, you can always tell when a World Salad is having a bad time with a simple phrase, "This is gay." Or if he's having a great time, he will sum it up with a, "F**k yeah!" Even when you're playing you can tell who the Word Salad is by his following responses:
Action: Gets killed.
Action: Gets killed by the same guy twice.
Response: "F**k you b*tch!"
Action: Gets killed by friend.
Response: "F**k you asshole!"
Action: Gets killed by any ethnic guy.
Response: "F**k you nigga!
Action: Gets killed by an explosive.
Action: Gets killed, respawns, and is immediately killed again.
Response: "WHAT THE F**K?! THIS IS BULLSH*T MAN!"
Action: Gets killed by one guy multiple times. Guy who killed him precedes to teabag his face while he waits to respawn.
Response: "YOU MOTHERF**KER DIPSH*T SONUVAB*TCH A**WIPE C**T SUCKING DICKFACE PUSSY A**HOLE SH*TEATER!"
Response: "F**kity f**k f**k f*************************k!!!!"
Even arguing with the World Salad is pointless becomes eventually the guy's only response is a repetitive, "Well f**k you man!"
One of the most annoying traits of the Stoner is that they're blunt about it--see what I did there? It's not like the good old days when they smoke pot around a campfire at the beach, they have to announce it and talk about it during game play or during intermission. I remember the good old days when stoners used to smoke in the comfort of their own bonfires on beaches, far away from the rest of rational society. Nowadays when I log onto the Internet to perform some online gaming, there will always be the occasional lone voice that says, "Duuude, I'm so high right now." What's worse is how you can easily clump all the stoners into one group only by looking at their screen name. Observe:
Half of these players are retarded, and probably have some poster of Bob Marley hanging in their room. And yes, they will talk about their meaning of life in the universe because they're sooooo open-minded. So let me get this straight, this gamer will try to give insight into the wonders of the world but can't come up with an original screen name that doesn't involve his addiction to weed. The problem with the Stoner is his exploitation of his love and support for weed when in reality, NOBODY CARES. You can have fun with the Stoner though, just mention the fact that legalization of weed will never happen or how unoriginal his screen name is. Eventually he'll crumble on the inside and, like the Sore Loser, will retreat. The exception is he will recoil from the harsh truth of veracity by getting closure from his bong.
Yeaaaaaaah, not interested.
Some of us are able to read and listen to the music at the same time. Even as I write, I am listening to the tranquil and sophisticated sound of Daft Punk. This behavior is acceptable because it doesn't bother anyone. Unfortunately, this etiquette is nonexistent to the DJ. The DJ, like all narcissistic idiots, believes the world revolves around him and when his world is void of little noise, he must add more. Rarely will the DJ play something that anyone can enjoy. Even if we did recognize the tune, the sound is barely audible that the music becomes comparable to that of Kim Kardashian's voice--exceedingly aggravating.
Just shut up and look pretty.
Sometimes the DJ will become so enthralled with their own music that they have to play sing-a-long. Worse, the DJ might be a self-proclaimed artist and must dazzle his audience by flowing into the microphone. Listen DJ, your flowing serenades is about as comforting as a terrorist cell. When I want to hear music, I listen to it on my iPod with headphones. Just be aware DJ that everybody knows a) nobody wants to hear your music library b) you fail at being an artist, and c) if you're going to retort, please, don't flow, it just makes me pity you even less.
Cry me a river.
Not to be confused with Batman's arch-nemesis, the Joker rarely appears online but when he does, you immediately wish he was standing next to you so can bash his skull in with a controller. The Joker is someone who thinks he is funny. In truth, he's delusional. He tries to do different impersonations, or imitate the next person who speaks. Fundamentally, the Joker is a douchebag; it's like playing a couple of rounds with Carlos Mencia.
I have a feeling these gamers are failed comedians who are trying to maintain some form of their shattered dreams online with other strangers. These are the posers who try to submit something on cracked.com, only to have their website creators say, "I don't think so." Followed by the deletion of whatever crappy article they posted online. We already have enough provocation from the real world, and the Joker falls short on grasping that aspect of life. To him, he must be funny 24/7 despite people hinting at the subtle fact that his humor is about as entertaining as watching C-Span all day long. So for all you Jokers: if you're going to attempt to be funny, please, go ahead and try it once; should nobody laugh at your horrible material, chances are that yes, you're not funny...at all.
Still not funny.
The act of young kids playing video games is wonderful; it shuts them up and distracts them long enough for me to hit on their college sisters. For some reason, the younger generation is able to get their hands on mature rated games. So when I sign on to play an online round of Halo or Modern Warfare 2, I will in due course get into a match with The Kid. The Kid is product of bad parenting or being spoiled too much, and his age ranges between 5 and 12. You can always tell if the Kid is on your team because of the shrill sound of his prepubescent voice as he tries to bark out orders to the other teammates. If the Kid is lucky, everyone will ignore him and toggle mute. Unfortunately for the Kid, he fails to realize the situation he's in, which is playing with far older and often intelligent people. Once the Kid gets on everyone's nerve (a short trip) teammates and opposing team players set in motion a series of questions like, "Isn't it past your bedtime?" Or "Shouldn't you be doing homework?" And the ever popular, "Hey, when you're done sucking your mom's teats, can you actually play the game?" This ultimately throws the Kid into a fit of rage and will sum up his anger with two responses, either, "Shut up," or "You're a fag." Listen, if you're one of those Kids playing Modern Warfare online then let me file the following facts into your memory banks:
You're better off keeping a low profile and playing the game so the big boys can actually relax instead of creating more tension. Failure to comply with these rules will lead to side effects of you running out of the bedroom screaming, "Mommy," while all the other gamers are laughing and getting along with the next match. Gamers, let's face it, the Kid is like that Chihuahua who thinks he's top dog, but we all know its bark is worse than its bite, and that we could easily throw it in the dumpster whenever we want.
Trust me kid, you deserve it.
According to Wikipedia, "In video gaming, camping is a tactic of waiting for enemies to come to the player or useful objects to appear rather than actively seeking them out. Players camp in order to gain an advantage over their opponents. In most games, camping is a legitimate style of play." A very true statement, however, "It often proves frustrating, particularly to newer players." I have a problem with this last statement, for a couple of reasons. I confess that I camp from time to time; it is usually due to my love of sniping. Conversely I do engage in battles and hand to hand combat. That said; let me explain why no one likes the Camper. Considering you can't toggle mute on this player, you have to kill the guy multiple times until he realizes his tactic is useless. The Camper does one of two things: either he finds a nice grassy knoll to snipe from, or sits in the darkest corner of a room/hallway and anyone who runs by him will be greeted by a shotgun to the face. The fortunate thing about the Camper is in due time, you will eventually blow his brains out. The problem is that the Camper incites everybody and takes time away from the game. When you play with a Camper (and Heaven help you if there is more than one Camper) you will always go through the three I's of I'm-Going-to-Murder-Your-Face.
Stage 1: Indifference
After the first few minutes of the game, you'll be running around the map trying to kill the other team mates or trying to complete an objective (i.e. capture the flag, headquarters, etc). You'll be on a good run and as soon as you round the corner or walk into an open field, the Camper will be waiting there with his weapon of preference. This is the initial time you're killed by the Camper, but you don't care because there are other virtual skulls to bash. Once you respawn, you move on and ignore the Camper until he kills you again.
Stage 2: Irritation
So you're back in the game and you forgot about said Camper for a couple of minutes. Then you see an easy kill. Some noobie is looking the other way and doesn't seem to be moving at all. You slowly approach the player, grinning maliciously as you aim for a simple headshot. For a split second, just as your savoring the moment of an easy kill; you fail to realize you've walked into the Camper's line of fire. So you're dead, the noobie walks away, and you grit your teeth because your kill was sabotaged.
Stage 3: Ire
Depending how many times the Camper has killed you; your annoyance has evolved into pure rage and hatred. Instead of focusing on killing all the other players or trying to complete the game objective, you converge all of your energy and arsenal at murdering the Camper. If you don't kill the Camper on your first attempt, that's going to make your blood boil additionally. Killing a Camper is like uprooting a tree stump from your backyard: tedious and maddening. Once you have spilt the Camper's blood on the ground, you'll eventually do your victory dance before getting killed by some other player. If you don't kill him before the game ends, you'll carry on your thirst for revenge into the next match until you no longer cry for the gamer's blood.
Out of all the gamers to mute immediately, this guy comes first. The Cellphone is the gamer that is off in his own little world. Unlike most respectable gamers, the Cellphone is not the gamer that picks up his phone, chats for a bit into the mic, and then hangs up. The Cellphone is the gamer who answers the call during the game and CONTINUES to talk about his pathetic life to whatever bastard is on the other line. He doesn't care about who he's playing with, or how much of a distraction it is. This is the guy who walks around town with a headpiece connected to his cellphone; only he's making his presence known in the virtual world.
"Apparently I'm the only person who can hear us talking!"
News flash! I don't give a rat's ass who or what you're talking on the phone with just go somewhere else and do it. Here's a list of topics I don't want to hear while I'm nuking the map:
I have a feeling if I ever politely asked the Cellphone to take his conversations elsewhere, the Cellphone would properly respond by telling me to go f**k myself. That is why I'm in the process of making microphones for video game consoles that act as shock collars. My hope is that this new device will condition gamers to play and talk on their phones separately and not at the same time. Bearing in mind creating such a device will take some time, I kindly ask that you keep the phone chat short, otherwise I will find you and mow you down with an ACTUAL TANK.
Go ahead. Answer that call.
Muting this gamer will not save you either; this gamer has only one purpose, which is to take everything that's fun and holy about online gaming and turn into something as fun as a field trip to a waste treatment plant. To his friends, this guy is known as a, "Beast," to the rest of us, he is known as the F**ker. The F**ker is absurdly good, to the point where he becomes almost untouchable. This is the guy who spends countless hours online, excelling in building up his character, which evolves into a mass-murdering virtual machine. The gamer can do this thanks to his No-Life technique: he doesn't live outside in the real world, only the virtual one which has become his own domain.
The moment you spawn into a map and begin to walk towards the enemy, this will be the guy who kills you first and then some. There is no such thing as mercy and sympathy within his vocabulary, the F**ker will come for you and destroy you. He will always have the high-ranking score in every game, and remains mostly silent. His silence is the F**ker's way of saying, "I'm better than you and I don't have to admit it." You can always tell who this guy is because he will kill you relentlessly without so much of any hesitation. The only way to take your sweet revenge is to kill him back inexorably. Then again, that proves to be a challenge because the F**ker will always be one step ahead of you. The F**ker takes extra precautions. Unlike the Camper who finds a spot and sits there waiting to kill other players, the F**ker will find a spot and make it his own, "Fortress of Slaughter You." He will set up bombs, tanks, planes, whatever he can get his hands on to ensure his sweet victory (yet again). If he decides not to camp then prepare yourself because he's vicious on the battlefield. This is the gamer who has Marathon, Lightfoot, and Commando as his perks in Modern Warfare 2; he's the guy with a sniper rifle and a homing rocket launcher in every Halo match. The F**ker only cares about his own glory, and makes our time online like a death at a birthday party. So if you're playing online with friends, and you find one these gamers on the map, do yourselves a favor...
...AND KILL THAT MOTHER F**KER!!