Should You Post That Status Update?
Use this handy guide to avoid posting a Lamebook-worthy status update!
Just The Facts
- Status updates can be useful.
- Some people just don't get how to use them.
- Use this guide to help you!
Should You Post That Status Update?
The status update. The Tweet. By whatever name the latest social networking site calls it, it's how we all keep one another informed about what we're doing.
Unfortunately, some people just don't seem to understand the process and post updates that are completely inane or wildly inappropriate.
If you suspect that you might be such a person, we're here to help you out. The next time you have a potential comment you'd like to post, just follow these simple steps:
First, read through each criterion below, and score points as noted. Then, tally up your results. If your final score is above 0 points, post away! If it is below 0 points, you might want to go ahead and rethink the comment.
OK, here we go:
1. The comment has something to do with a stroke of luck you just had: +2 points
2. The comment has something to do with a stroke of genius you just had: +10 points
3. The comment has something to do with a stroke you just had: +30 points
4a. The comment has something to do with your last medical visit: +3 points
4b. Your last medical visit was to a proctologist or gynecologist: -10 points
5a. The comment has something to do with a bodily function: -5 points
5b. Your last bodily function was performed accidentally: -10 points
5c. Your last bodily function was performed accidentally and publicly: -20 points
5d. Your last bodily function was that you crapped out a solid gold goose egg: +100 points
6a. The comment is a description of the last meal you had: -2 points
6b. Your last meal led to an accidental and public performance of a bodily function: -15 points
6c. Your last meal led to an accidental and public performance of a bodily function, and you are posting this as a warning to others: +10 points (if you can live without your dignity)
7. -2 points for each previous update you've already posted in the past half hour
8. -2 points for each drink you've had in the past three hours
9a. The comment is directed at one specific person only: +0 points
9b. The comment is directed at one specific person with whom you are angry, and with whom you have not confronted regarding your feelings: -10 points
10a. The comment has something to do with unrequited love: +1 point
10b. Your unrequited love has a significant other: -3 points
10c. Your unrequited love has a significant other who is on your friends list: -20 points
11a. The comment is a pronouncement of your undying love for your special One: +5
11b. You've known your special One less than two hours: -10 points
12a. The comment is an announcement of your recent engagement: -1 point
12b. Your future father-in-law is pointing a shotgun at your head as you type the announcement of your engagement: +30 points
13. The comment is an announcement of your recent breakup: +1 point
14. The comment is an announcement to your significant other with whom you're breaking up: -5 points
15. The comment is an announcement of your promotion at work: +10 points
16. The comment is an announcement of your promotion to Godfather in Mafia Wars: -10 points
17a. The comment is an announcement that you're going to have a baby: +5 points
17b. The father-to-be has not yet been informed of his impending fatherhood: -20 points
18. You know the difference between the following pairs of words: +1 point for each pair
- "your" and "you're"
- "its" and "it's"
- "their," "there" and "they're"
- "lose" and "loose"
- "choose" and "chose"
19. The comment includes the words "lol" or "lmao": -1 point for each instance
20. Your mother is on your Facebook: -3 points
21. Your high school teacher is on your Facebook, you are still in high school and your comment has to do with any one of the following topics:
- Cheating on a test: -5 points
- Ditching school: -5 points
- Drinking alcohol: -10 points
- Smoking pot: -10 points
- Your secret crush on your high school teacher: -20 points
So, how did you do? Can we expect to get a witty, insightful, clever, intelligent, meaningful and appropriate status update from you anytime soon? Or is your comment only going to end up on Lamebook?
Check out Dennis's musings on dating and relationships here.
Try reading status updates about how the status updater's kid found her dildo in her drawer. Yeah. Ew.
ReplyWhat about people like me who make statuses out of random quotes from Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Replyi scored +10
ReplyYou know what makes me want to stab my friends? The "i am so in love with you" status. "OMG I LUV MY BOYFRIEND HE IS DA BEST" "I will kill you."
Reply+2 for me saying that I want to go to Yo Sushi.
Reply-3, thanks Mom.
ReplyYour post consists entirely of song lyrics: -35 points
ReplyThis is so perfect, except for one thing; why does announcing an engagement get -1 but announcing a breakup get +1? Who would honestly want to hear about a breakup more than an engangement, unless they're some kind of polite stalker?
ReplyIt's great to know that I automatically get +5 before I've even thought of posting one, though.
I'm guessing its in case one of your friends wants to date your girlfriend/boyfriend and was waiting for you to break up.
Because people like to hear about how much your life sucks too, because people are bitter assholes (myself included).
I guess I'm behind the times, but I had never heard of Lamebook until I read this. Thank you so much for linking it. That site is fantastic.
Replyactually my last status was.. "OMIGAWD!!!!! you can connect cracked with facebook :D" It's got +10 for "The comment has something to do with a stroke of genius you just had" -2 for my previos status 15 minutes earlier which was "God made woman out of one of Adam's ribs. Women are glorified ribs. Ribs are delicious. Delicious things are meant to be eaten. Women should be eaten. Don't look at us like that; that's sound logic." then it got +5 for the knowing of differences :P you should add one about smiley's XD XD XD
ReplySmileys... how does -20 for each instance sound? And -3 for each exclamation point after the first 2. This is fun!
-Every "Is in a relationship" or "Is single" post in the last three days, beyond the first: -70
Reply-Every Emo post about how being neglected by a boy that you won't break up with: -75
-Every farmville and such invite: +unfriend.
-Pictures of your infant or toddler sitting on the floor looking stupid: -5
So...what about a toddler wearing thick glasses, a lab coat and holding a book on quantum physics? Is that okay?
Well that would be pretty badass actually !
-Update on cutesy kid/pets occurence only you and s/o get, -5pts
Reply-Totally unrelated profile pic w/ different namesake since high school, college, marriage, etc. w/ "No one knows who I am" BS, -10pts
Point 18 should include:
Reply"to", "too", and "two"
Or the people who post random, obscure music lyrics and expect you to give a crap/guess what song they're from...
ReplyI don't mind these as long as the song is half decent.
-20 points for inspirational quotes, Chuck Norris/Yo Momma jokes also song quotes ...
ReplyNumber 18. You forgot "than" and "then". You also left out the people who allllllllwayssss add exxxxxxxxxtraaaaaaa letterrrrrssssssssssssssssssss.
Reply"than" and "then" do not sound the same
Doesn't matter, man. People still do that s**t all the time.
I just posted a update on my facebook to tell people to read this article... also, I logged in to the website with my facebook account... so, ain't this a small irony?
ReplyNo, it isn't.
How common is hacking up a monster turd with a coat hanger? My brother once took a s**t so big he had to do that, I had know idea it happens often enough to end up referenced in a Cracked article!!
ReplyBut yeah, all of the squishy, lovey s**t is to much. 1 guy I am friends with always posts his mood as "Tiffany" :) (wretch) "going to work, 9-5" "just woke up" "going to sleep" "drinking some coffee" "luv u Tiffany" (puke) etc. How about: "just picked a 5 pound booger, but before I could eat it, my head caved in!"
You "had know idea" ? Lovely !
i got a 6! unwilling commenters here i come:) is it 'commenter? is a commentator only at a sports event???
ReplyNo? A commentator is any third party commenting on an event or happenstance. Alternatively, pick up a frigging dictionary.
How about knowing the difference between a pair of something and three of something? Do I get points for that or do I just get to keep my Smug Pedant award?
Reply