Ke$ha

Ke$ha is the latest immensely popular musician, who accomplished this despite having no talent. If music was football, she would have a Disney sports movie for overcoming great odds.

Image by <A HREF=http://www.cracked.com/members/gishface>Rohan Ramakrishnan</A>

Just The Facts

  1. Ke$ha, the latest money-themed performer, has released two singles, both top 10 hits.
  2. Ke$ha uses auto tuning on all of her songs. She gets paid to do this.
  3. Ke$ha is physically disgusting. It looks like she dove in a dumpster. A sticky dumpster.

Background

Ke$ha, whose album was released this year, is gross. She is gross, gross, gross. She is slimy, sticky, and probably gooey. She sings about gross things. She looks like a whorey Lady Gaga.

It looks like she's taking an eye test and can't quite make it out. But covered in dirt, sand, and herpes.

It looks like shes taking an eye test and cant quite make it out. But covered in glitter, slime, and Herpes

Her two singles, "Tik Tok" and "Blah Blah Blah," are massivley successful. I am saying this only after looking through these songs, after awaking from being cryogenically frozen in 2003 after "Hey Ya" was released. From a quick listen, the music is mainly beeps. Occasionally an autotuned shreik escapes, but... god. WHERE ARE YOU OUTKAST?

As aesthetically unappealing as it is, I decided to delve into the poetry of her music. I started with "Tik Tok" and moved directly onto "Blah Blah Blah." Eight hours later, I woke up in a hotel room. Blood was on the wall, and I had a tattoo of Marvin the Martian on the forearm, and a tasmanian devil across my back. Next to me, were several pages of critiques on Ke$ha. Good god, where is my wife?

Tik Tok

"Wake up in the mornin feelin like P diddy"

How does one feel like P. Diddy? What does Sean Combs feel when he wakes up? Besides, I thought he was just "Diddy" now. Or maybe Puff Daddy again.

"Got my glasses I'm out the door gonna hit this city"

Ah, so in this verse one can say Ke$ha reveals her metaphorical nearsightedness. Perhaps we are all nearsighted, blind to details, blind to others. Or, I presume, she's putting on those stupid Kanye West glasses. What are those anyway? What do they do?

"Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack"

Oh my.

"Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't comin back"

First, five lines ago she said she just woke up. Did she time warp to night? Also, one can assume she's not coming back due to the bottle of Jack she just drank, and probably will be in a drunk accident. Not drunk driving though. She seems like a Vespa girl.

"I'm talking - pedicures on our toes, toes"

Well, toes are implied with pedicures. It's not like you're going to get manicures on your hands, hands.

"Trying on all our clothes, clothes"

Why is this repeated? Emphasis? Besides, I thought she left for the night (and ain't comin back).

"Boys blowing up our phones, phones"

What can this mean? Is it possible to transmit a virus that will physically explode Ke$ha's iPhone?

"Drop-talking, playing our favorite CDs."

What?? First she woke up, then she left for the night. Now she's listening to CDs?

"Going to all the parties, tryin to get a little bit tipsy"

Okay. Ke$ha is confused and depressed, if all she does is go to parties and tries to get drunk for no reason. It sounds like something a Nic Cage character would do, as long as it's a Cage film where he's not treasure hunting or his face is aflame. Note, it is not reflected in the transcript but Ke$ha does not say "tipsy" but instead "TEEEIIUUUUOOOPPPSSY."

Lets ignore the offesiveness of this, and look at the mass amount of glitter where breasts would be.


"Don't stop, make it pop"

What? Make what pop?

"DJ, blow my speakers up"

Well, that's even more hazardous than the exploding phone problem she seems to have.

"Tonight, imma fight"

With whom Ke$ha? YOUR INNER DEMONS?

"Till we see the sunlight"

Ah. You are fighting to stay awake and not your inner demons. yet. I'm sure in that fight to not pass out drunk, demons will arise.

"Tick tock, on the clock"

That is what clocks do...

"But the party don't stop, no"

Oh, Ke$ha! You woke up drinking Jack, going to an eternal party is a straight route to alcohol poisoning.

"Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh"

I have nothing. This is literally yodeling.

I love how she's bathing and still filthy looking. And what the hell is on her ear?

I love how she's bathing and still filthy looking. And what the hell is on her ear?


"Ain't got a care in the world, but got plenty of beer"

Again, I feel you should care about alcohol poisoning or, possibly, paying for this beer. That seems like an issue that will arise.

"Ain't got no money in ma pocket, but I'm already here"

Okay, Ke$ha just mooches. No one likes her, she's just there.

"And now the dudes are linin up cause they hear we got swagger"

First, the word is swagga. If you listened to any rap (or rap-ish) song ever, it is ALWAYS "swagga." Say the not real word right. Second, why? I think theyre lining up to take you to AA. This is a problem Ke$ha.

"But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger"

What? What? This woman does not know who Mick Jagger is. She is getting him confused. Mick Jagger looks like an old wallet that someone jumped into a pool with.

"I'm talking about - everybody getting crunk, crunk"

...what can I say? Ke$ha lives in 2003.

"Boys trying to touch my junk, junk"

EXCUSE ME KE$HA? NO. NO. WOMAN ANATOMY NEVER, EVER, GOES BY JUNK. JESUS GOD!

"Gonna smack him if they're getting too drunk, drunk"

You should goddamn talk Ke$ha! You WOKE UP drinking Jack Daniels! It's less smacking, and more "swatting" in the sense you look like a cat.

"Now, now - we goin till they kick us out, out"

Okay, now I feel bad. This woman has a stutter. She says words repeatedly for no reason. I mean, initially I thought emphasis, but no. Theres no reason "out" needs to be said twice

"but the police shut us down, down, police shut us down, police shut us - down"

Ah, so there is justice. Now just keep her off the street and-

"Don't stop, make it pop"

Why is she still here? She should be handcuffed to a bench.

"DJ, blow my speakers up, tonight, imma fight, till we see the sunlight"

Just... no. Ke$ha is going to be found in an alley. The police ruined her life by not locking her up.

"Tik tok, on the clock"

Again what? It's not like it says "tiCk toCk" on a clock. That's like saying "bow wow on the dog."

"But the party don't stop, no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh (x2)"

God, please end it. She's yodeling again.

"you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yea, you got me"

What??? When did this become Madonna? What the hell is this?

A Ke$ha in her natural habitat.

"You build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me
With my hands up
Put your hands up
Put your hands up"

Okay, I guess I can get used to this. At least it doesn't make me feel like I need to take a shower.

"Now, the party don't start til I walk in..."

What- OH MY GOOOD NOOOOOOOOO!

"Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, imma fight
Till we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh (x2)"

I guess she wanted to hammer that point in again. I have nothing else that can be possibly said.

Blah Blah Blah

"Oooooooooh
Ba da da ba da da da"

Wow. Okay. Really? This song just started and she sounds like a drunk child pretending to be more drunk. Figure that one out.

"Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah"

What? This sentence has no subject.

"Just zip your lip like a padlock"

Padlocks don't zip! They lock! The word itself clearly denotes that!

"And meet me at the back with the jack and the jukebox"

NO! She's going to brush her teeth again and foray into Tik Tok! Is all she sings about jack?

"I don't really care where you live at"

Maybe you should. It'd be nice to know where you are when you wake up without a liver or left eye in a tub of ice.

"Just turn around boy and let me hit that"

Just no. What girls "hit that" at a bar? Or no - It's around back at a bar. What woman goes around back at a bar. That's strictly rapist turf.

"Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat"

EXCUUUSSSSE ME! Ke$ha is cold!

"Just show me where your dick's at"

Wow. This seals it. Ke$ha is a man. She makes people go around bars and tricks them into... No! Ke$ha is planning on severing his dick and making it her own, so she can BECOME a man! Run guy, RUN!

NOTE: This next section is so autotuned, it is impossible to tell what she is saying without reading along with lyrics. It's remarkable.

Is she talking or eating?

"Music's up
Listen hot stuff"

Hot stuff? Aparently Ke$ha is Humphrey Bogart. Or a drunk child pretending to be drunk, pretending to be Humphrey Bogart.

"I'm in love"

Oh really, Ke$ha? Well I'm...

"With this song"

Ke$ha, I hate you. That was a cruel turn.

"So just hush"

Hush? Right after "hot stuff?" Get a book of current slang!

"Baby shut up"

That's just rude.

"Heard enough"

Heard enough of what? The entire song, you just told this soon-to-be dickless man to shut up.

"Stop ta-ta-talking that"

Again with the stutter! Go to speech therapy!

"Blah blah blah"

Oh, so mature Ke$ha.

"Think you'll be getting this"

Getting what? THAT STATEMENT MAKES NO SENSE!

"Nah nah nah"

NAH NAH NAH? YOU ARE BEHIND A BAR, NOT IN A PARK PLAYSET

"Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar"

First, what? Ke$ha's narrative is confusing. Second, again with the stutter? Really? No. This isn't a stutter. This is Tourette's.

"If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah"

So now he's talking too much. This is baffling.

"Boy come on get your rocks off"

Rocks? Is he a geologist? Maybe he's a rock tumbler enthusiast. I AM CONFUSED.

"Come put a little love in my glove box"

Ewewewewewewew. There's two possible explanations of what this means. The first is the easy one, the one I thought of instantly. It's very gross. I do not wish to discuss it. The second is the placing of two boning midgets, or alternatively two small animals in the glove box. But that will also smell after a while.

Okay, I swear to God she has ticks ALL down her arm

"I wanna dance with no pants on, holla"

However, no one else wants you to. Stop it. Get the hell out of this party.

"Meet me in the back with the Jack and the jukebox"

You already said this. Is that all you talk about? Maybe she means Jack cheese. Ke$ha seems like a cheeselova.

"So cut to the chase kid"

What? Now you want him to talk a little.

"'Cause I know you don't care what my middle name is"

No one does. Except me. I'm on to you Ke$a $arah M(!nto$h.

"I wanna be naked"

Why? Besides, your pants are off already.

"But you're wasted"

She won't take a second victim because he's too drunk! She already drank Jack (or ate Jack, depending on the interpretation) twice in one minute.

"Music's up
Listen hot stuff
I'm in love
With this song
So just hush
Baby shut up
Heard enough
Stop ta-ta-talking that"

Yes. Ke$ha, stop GODDAMN TALKING!

"Blah blah blah
Think you'll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah"

Ow! Ow, Ke$ha! This is so bad it is physically hurting me.

I need this.... Ah,,, That feels better. All I need is a puppy standing next to a kitty bucket.

I need this.... Ah,,, That feels better. All I need is a puppy standing next to a kitty bucket.


-
NOTE: This next segment is sung by 3OH!3. Look at that name. There's an exclamation point in the middle. That's a bad sign. You would think there would be three, or six, members in this group. Logic loses again! No, 3OH!3 is made up of two skinny, white hipsters. I hate them passionately.

-


"You be delaying, you always sayin' some shit"
But... shes delaying. So she's not saying shit.

"You say I'm playin' I'm never layin this dick"
What? My literal interpretation leaves me with a statement that he does not masturbate.

"Sayin' blah blah blah cause I don't care who you are"
First, the 'blah, blah, blah' is hilariously monotone. It's like if Ben Stein read it. Also, now I guess it's the guy's point of view. OH!shit! KE$HA AND 3OH!3 ARE HOOKING UP. Obviously, neither will use bring protection. OH!god! A CROSS BREED!

"In this bar it only matters who I is"
NO, it dosen't matter who you IS, because you don't know how to use grammar, you stupid hipster. Also, I counted. That 'is' is extended 9 Goddamn auto tuned seconds.

Ke$ha returns. I'm moderately grateful. It's like being shot and pissed on, then being stabbed and shat on. It's awful. Ke$ha and 3OH!3 should be banned from performing together for life.

"Stop ta-ta-talking that
Blah blah blah
Think you'll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah
Think you'll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah
Ohh
Blah Blah Blah
Stop talking
Stop ta-ta-talking that"
Yeah, I just wrapped this shit up. There's nothing to say. It's the same repeated stutter, auto tuned horseshit. This may be worse than Tik Tok.

Gettin' it over with

In conclusion, Ke$ha is a dangerous alchoholic. She should be put in rehab, or jail, or another planet. It's like she was drunk the entire time- when writing, when singing, when producing, even though she didn't produce. Fuck it. She briefly sobered up in the strange Madonaesque interlude, but my god, Ke$ha should be imprisioned. Musically, this is awful. Its sounds like she's loudly talking along with the soundtrack to a 19th century factory.

Get out of the textile plant you broad! You hath torn thou outfit!

Get out of the textile plant you broad! You hath torn thine outfit!

There's nothing more to say than its what you would expect by someone who believes a dollar sign is interchangeable with an 's'. 'Tik Tok' is an exploration of her alcoholism, whilst 'Blah Blah Blah' explores chopping of penises, for one of your own. Ke$ha must be stopped