Online Dating Dictionary
Online dating is the romantic equivalent of eating at Denny's: There's a menu full of tantalizing photos and enticing descriptions, but that Grand Slam breakfast never looks quite as good when it's sitting in front of you.
Just The Facts
- Online daters stretch the truth.
- Skepticism is good.
- Denny's can be, too.
Just another meal at Denny's
Obviously, people exercise plenty of factual calisthenics in their online profiles. And just because Denny's menus may show you a more appetizing photograph doesn't mean you should stop eating there.
The same goes for online dating. Just look through those menus with a healthy dose of skepticism, and maybe your next Grand Slam will be everything that you expected.
Check out more of Dennis's musings on dating and relationships here.
Don't forget the most common one: Down to earth guy! Down to earth guy! Seen in every profile I've ever seen and I've even seen it at least three times in one profile.
ReplyTranslation: Boring as s**t, no personality, IQ of 43 and probably doesn't even know what 'down to earth' means. They pretty much treat the statement like the word 'and'.
You are so right!
I recently saw a commercial on TV for a dating site that said "over one third of relationships now start through an online dating site". Yeah, it's pretty likely that that statistic is padded (or outright bullshit), but even it's halfway true... that's f*****g scary.
ReplyI mean, no offense to anyone who's used one, but if that is anywhere near accurate then that just gives me the chills.
Bitter, misogynistic comment on this article
ReplyTranslates to: I have struck out with so many women, some so drunk they would sleep with a farm animal, that I have convinced myself I don't care about my complete inability to attract them.
"I want a guy who makes me laugh"
Reply(My humongous superiority complex won't allow me to have intelligent conversations with someone I might find challenging, so I need to be entertained like a child by someone who'll essentially jingle keys in front of me.)
Shmoos sometimes drop Crissaegrims
Holy s**t, every single one of these is DEAD ON. I once met a girl who said that she wanted to find someone who she would 'feel' that spark with. Ok. So we go out. Feel that spark? No? Alrighty then, it was nice meeting you. Then 3 months later the chic would call me up and ask me what was going on and if we wanted to go out again. Ok, I'll bite. She was a skinny little blonde chic, I won't turn it down. We go out.. Ok, still didn't feel that spark, huh? Alright. It was nice knowing you. Good luck. Then 3 months later... wash rinse repeat. So is there a spark or isn't there? I finally blew the chic off completely.
ReplyIt really DOES sound like she was looking for that "spark." it's just that that "spark" was that teenage angst she felt when she had her first crush in high school and, being post-adolescent, will never be experienced again.
Sad, really.
Girl says, "I'm a little bit crazy!" means "I have multiple restraining orders out against me."
ReplySo f*****g true (talking from experience) !
Amen
Women: "I have eclectic tastes"
ReplyTranslation: There isn't any. WTF does that even mean?
Means wide-ranging, varied. Could mean, "I'm a confident person who's not afraid to try and like things outside the normal scope of my clique." Could also mean, "I lack the confidence to say what I really think and allow myself to get dragged along into things by friends and boyfriends."
This being the internet, however, it's probably, "I have few or no real-world friends and live my life vicariously through my internet connection. I hope you're into vampires, romance anime, and Wiccanism as much as I am."
it means: 'just do like me and pretend your horribly empty life is actually your own choice'
"I'm a fun-loving person" means "you must entertain me, preferably expensively"
ReplyWoman: I'm unique
Reply=
I'm boring.
The translation for "I'm looking for that spark" seems pretty dead-on.
Reply"... and actually exists." could be "... and is not gay."
As an online dating coach and founder of eFlirt Expert, I wholeheartedly approve of these translations. Ha! Best thing I've read all week.
ReplyDon't spam up the comments section with advertisements, and we'll get along fine.
I wholeheartedly wanna have sex with your avatar !
Hmm, some bitter people in here. Good chart.
ReplyWasn't there an off-handed loading screen comment in Mass Effect 2 about intergalactic online dating, its failure and the recommendation that you just gotta "go out and talk with people."
ReplyThat's right, even a bot in a freaking space game is more reasonable than real people online.
Let me improve on this article's translations for women.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesMy friend convinced me to do this. -> I'm a bot.
I'm a fun-loving person. -> I wish I knew how to have fun.
I'm a total smart ass. -> I'm an insecure bitch.
I'm over the bar and club scene. -> I have a drinking problem.
I'm looking for an open-minded individual. -> I've got whacko hippy beliefs like crystal healing, but I'll f**k you if you validate me. -- OR -> I'm actually a gay dude looking to trick straight or curious guys.
I'm looking for that spark. -> I'm looking for those status symbols.
I'm new to this whole online dating thing. -> I'm a bot.
please allow me to do the same for you:
miss
miss
miss
miss
mildly amusing
miss
miss.
you fail.
your response fails.
Yep, that sounds about right.
AmericanPsycho -- I am speaking from experience, boradis seems to got it right.
As though the veracity of either of these can be attested to. You foolish peons.
Leave it to the pros, boradis.
Looking for honest man = Looking for a gullible man.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesQFT
No it should be....
Looking for honest man = Looking for honest man that will also believe all the lies I tell him and is easy to manipulate
Umm, that would be gullible.
How bout this?
Replylooking for honest man = I already have enough of my own lies to remember.
Hahah !
Pretty good, except "I'm tired of fake girls," means "I tend to go after girls who are way more attractive than I am and won't have me. So I call them all sluts and complain about how nice guys finish last."
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesTruth.
Jeez, you guys are sad.
Agreed ChrisGreene. I extend my thanks to you.
i am stupid enough to believe hollywood movies where the rich pretty girl falls for the poor ugly dude on account of his nice character, but fail to realize:
-it's just a movie
-i don't have a winning character.
and therefore i keep hitting on girls way above my league and getting angry at them when they point me towards their ugly friends.
That is so f-ing true! As a girl I get really tired of guys doing that. I don't think those kinda guys would know a "real girl" if one slapped them in the face. Most of the ones that say that are ugly guys who want a size 2 model type that "looks past their flaws" when they refuse to do that to other less attractive girls. Get over it people! Models (of either gender) only date other model types, so if your not, your s**t out of luck.
The "spark" one is the most accurate, except you forgot to mention the man can fly. Fast.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBut the age parameters are pretty informative also. Like:
Women, 18-30 looks for
- 18-30: she is looking for "the spark"
- 30-40: Guy can have gray hair, and some charming wrinkles, if he has a car. Guy don't need money, if he is in good shape.
- 40-50: Money.
Women, 30-42, looks for:
- 18 - 25: sex, and possibly a mature relationship.
- 25 - 30: sex without worry about scare him, and possibly a mature relationship.
- 30 - 40: sex, financial stability, and possibly a mature relationship.
- 40 - 60: money and someone to cunnilingus.
Men:
18-40: sex.
40-??: lots of sex.
Corrections are welcome, thanks. It's part of the research.
Word
*word*
*word*
"I'm looking for that spark..." Made me lol pretty hard. Funny article.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThe Only "spark" she is gonna see is when she has flat lined at 80 years old in a hospital room all alone while a doctor starts shocking her to Death or Life(if it really is one) with the paddles of love.
BUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRN
LMAO !
"My friend convinced me to do this" = I am a spammer, and I will tell you about a dating site I know even though you're already on a dating site.
ReplyAlso, anything along the lines "there's a lot of creaps on this site and I want to be safe" is usually code for "I am a spammer spamming another dating site".
I'm tired of fake girls = most of the "women" I replied to were spammers because I clicked on "18 swf looking for wild sex" ads.
"Looking for that special someone" = tends to be code for I am needy / will want to get married within a month of meeting you.
So true...*especially* if it's a paid site like match, and especially if you only have the free membership. That's all you'll get.