In 2550 BC, Pharaoh Khufu of Egypt built a giant-ass tomb, forgetting that it wouldn't look all that amazing from inside (when he was dead). Recently, people have become convinced that aliens built it thanks to conspiracy theorists ...

Any questions?

Just The Facts

  1. Pyramids are 4500-year old monuments that are sturdier than most modern buildings on account of their wildly impractical design.
  2. Conspiracy theorists have made the logical leap from "well built useless monuments" to, "must have been built by aliens."
  3. Fox news has concluded that it would be "reasonable" to believe that aliens built the pyramids.
  4. The Obama administration has said that Fox is not a real news network.
  5. Obviously, president Obama is an alien.
  6. Ultimately, pyramids are proof that if you have enough time and bored/willing workers on your hands, you can fuck with stupid people way after you're already dead.


A pyramid is a large structure pointing towards the sun. The most famous pyramid is, without a doubt, the pyramid of Giza in Egypt. There are also pyramids in Southern and Central America, built by the Aztecs, Mayans and Incas, and Las Vegas, built by capitalists. Pyramids point up towards the heavens, i.e. where the UFOs come from. In some cases they are tombs, in others they are temples, in both they are fucking useless.

No matter how you look at it, its really just a big hunk of rock.

No matter how you look at it, it's really just a big hunk of rock.

Conspiracy theorists claim that if they serve no purpose to humans, pyramids must have been built by aliens. Of course assuming that anything that serves no purpose to humanity must be created by aliens would mean that conspiracy theorists themselves were created by aliens.

Non-conspiracy theorists point out that the pharaohs probably built their pyramids for the same reason most of Washington DC's monuments were erected: To let people know damn well who was in charge. What better way to do that than building a costly and huge-ass tomb? From the day the first person thought: "I want to be buried under a fucking mountain" things just escalated as leader after leader tried to prove who was more awesome by building pyramids that reached farther and farther towards heaven. In fact one of the main theories about the collapse of the entire Mayan civilization revolves around the whole, 'bigger is better' ideal. In an attempt to make tombs that gave a big 'fuck you' to their parents' tombs, the Mayans started cutting down their forests faster than they could grow back. This resulted in the sudden collapse of the entire Mayan civilization, meaning death for thousands of their people, right before the Spaniards could show up to slaughter them all anyway.

Worth it?

Worth it?

The great landing place of Giza

Conspiracy theorists favorite "mysteries" about the pyramids:

1. How did some Pharaoh manage to haul several thousand tons of rock up an artificial mountain? What technology did they have back then that we no longer have available to us? Where did it come from?

2. Have you ever wondered why, if the Egyptians were able to build such solid structures, we don't build them today? If we knew how to build giant structures capable of withstanding thousands of years of unkind conditions, we would do it.

3. Anyway it's pretty much an indisputable subject because there are actual ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics that depict beings from the sky sharing wisdom with the Egyptians.

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I mean theirs probably 2 houses worth in their at least.

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There's probably two houses worth in there at least.

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Completely non-mysterious, and straight forward answers that it is absolutely not worth giving them because they'll only make you more depressed about the human condition:

1. The only thing they would have needed that we don't have available to us is a whole civilizations worth of people who had nothing better to do because harvest was over.

2. Nobody builds pyramids today because it would be fucking pointless. There'd be no reason at all to replace every city block with a massive, super expensive pyramid that only houses up to 10 people.

3. Well, maybe the theorists are right after all for this one. 'Cause really, their never ever was, in the history of the human race, any other text that ever referred to other-worldly beings from the sky.

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Oh... right.

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Oh... right.

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Well to the theorists' defense, they probably think that book's talking about aliens too.

Torsion fields

Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen for we are about to leave the realm of the mildly retarded supported by a few points which could be mistaken as facts, and enter into the realm of the bat-shit insane. Because now we're talking about Mayan pyramid conspiracy theories.



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According to certain individuals, the 2012 apocalypse is not only definitely happening, but is also scientifically proven. And God knows you can't argue with science. According to one expert, whose name we can't recall (we saw him on a TV show once, you'll just have to trust us on this one) The Mayans knew of these extremely complicated physics and ended their calendar on the very date of the apocalypse: 2012.

so much for London 2012

So much for the Summer Olympics, also humanity.

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The scientific explanation for the Mayan Apocalypse revolves around torsion fields. There is supposedly one of these energy fields inside the earth, keeping it on orbit or some shit like that. Actual, legit scientists study or have studied torsion field physics, including Einstein. So far, so good.

However it is at this point in the show that the poorly-groomed man starts to tell us how this affects our planet. Apparently the torsion field is coming out of synch with the earth's spin and at a certain date, namely December 21, 2012, it will become so out of synch that it will readjust the only way it knows how. Guess how he thinks that is? We'll give you a hint: It involves the end of the world.

Put the earth around this thing and its pretty much what i'm talking about

Like this, except inside the earth, and deadlier looking, somehow.

There's apparently an extremely complex equation explaining this, way too complicated for any of the idiots watching the show or scientists to understand. However, it apparently wasn't too complicated for Mayans to figure out.

You might be saying that that's not conclusive evidence, but don't worry, he walks up and down the steps of a pyramid with his "accutron" to prove it. As he walks up and down the accutron gets different measurements, for reasons completely unrelated to humidity and altitude. Apparently the site of said pyramid (Tikal) is right on the tip of one of those torsion field points. Rather than, you know, any other of the huge Mayan sights still buried under the jungle. It has to be the tourist attraction.

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Accutron watch, clearly a powerful tool of science

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The accutron watch: clearly powerful scientific equipment

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So to recap, a conspiracy theorist comes up with a "scientific" solution that science is unaware of, involving a super old watch, a popular tourist attraction, and some physics he probably doesn't even understand, that leads him to the conclusion that the world is going to end. Hey, they've got to think of some reason to explain the end of the Mayan calendar right? It's really the only logical explanation anyone's come up with.

Well, except ...

Ya that works too.

Yeah, that works too.