Pyramids
In 2550 BC, Pharaoh Khufu of Egypt built a giant-ass tomb, forgetting that it wouldn't look all that amazing from inside (when he was dead). Recently, people have become convinced that aliens built it thanks to conspiracy theorists ...
Just The Facts
- Pyramids are 4500-year old monuments that are sturdier than most modern buildings on account of their wildly impractical design.
- Conspiracy theorists have made the logical leap from "well built useless monuments" to, "must have been built by aliens."
- Fox news has concluded that it would be "reasonable" to believe that aliens built the pyramids.
- The Obama administration has said that Fox is not a real news network.
- Obviously, president Obama is an alien.
- Ultimately, pyramids are proof that if you have enough time and bored/willing workers on your hands, you can fuck with stupid people way after you're already dead.
Overview
A pyramid is a large structure pointing towards the sun. The most famous pyramid is, without a doubt, the pyramid of Giza in Egypt. There are also pyramids in Southern and Central America, built by the Aztecs, Mayans and Incas, and Las Vegas, built by capitalists. Pyramids point up towards the heavens, i.e. where the UFOs come from. In some cases they are tombs, in others they are temples, in both they are fucking useless.
No matter how you look at it, it's really just a big hunk of rock.
Conspiracy theorists claim that if they serve no purpose to humans, pyramids must have been built by aliens. Of course assuming that anything that serves no purpose to humanity must be created by aliens would mean that conspiracy theorists themselves were created by aliens.
Non-conspiracy theorists point out that the pharaohs probably built their pyramids for the same reason most of Washington DC's monuments were erected: To let people know damn well who was in charge. What better way to do that than building a costly and huge-ass tomb? From the day the first person thought: "I want to be buried under a fucking mountain" things just escalated as leader after leader tried to prove who was more awesome by building pyramids that reached farther and farther towards heaven. In fact one of the main theories about the collapse of the entire Mayan civilization revolves around the whole, 'bigger is better' ideal. In an attempt to make tombs that gave a big 'fuck you' to their parents' tombs, the Mayans started cutting down their forests faster than they could grow back. This resulted in the sudden collapse of the entire Mayan civilization, meaning death for thousands of their people, right before the Spaniards could show up to slaughter them all anyway.
Worth it?
The great landing place of Giza
Conspiracy theorists favorite "mysteries" about the pyramids:
1. How did some Pharaoh manage to haul several thousand tons of rock up an artificial mountain? What technology did they have back then that we no longer have available to us? Where did it come from?
2. Have you ever wondered why, if the Egyptians were able to build such solid structures, we don't build them today? If we knew how to build giant structures capable of withstanding thousands of years of unkind conditions, we would do it.
3. Anyway it's pretty much an indisputable subject because there are actual ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics that depict beings from the sky sharing wisdom with the Egyptians.
Filler, filler.
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There's probably two houses worth in there at least.
Filler, filler.
Completely non-mysterious, and straight forward answers that it is absolutely not worth giving them because they'll only make you more depressed about the human condition:
1. The only thing they would have needed that we don't have available to us is a whole civilizations worth of people who had nothing better to do because harvest was over.
2. Nobody builds pyramids today because it would be fucking pointless. There'd be no reason at all to replace every city block with a massive, super expensive pyramid that only houses up to 10 people.
3. Well, maybe the theorists are right after all for this one. 'Cause really, their never ever was, in the history of the human race, any other text that ever referred to other-worldly beings from the sky.
Filler, filler.
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Oh... right.
Filler, filler.
Well to the theorists' defense, they probably think that book's talking about aliens too.
Torsion fields
Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen for we are about to leave the realm of the mildly retarded supported by a few points which could be mistaken as facts, and enter into the realm of the bat-shit insane. Because now we're talking about Mayan pyramid conspiracy theories.
Metaphor
Filler, filler.
According to certain individuals, the 2012 apocalypse is not only definitely happening, but is also scientifically proven. And God knows you can't argue with science. According to one expert, whose name we can't recall (we saw him on a TV show once, you'll just have to trust us on this one) The Mayans knew of these extremely complicated physics and ended their calendar on the very date of the apocalypse: 2012.
So much for the Summer Olympics, also humanity.
Filler, filler.
The scientific explanation for the Mayan Apocalypse revolves around torsion fields. There is supposedly one of these energy fields inside the earth, keeping it on orbit or some shit like that. Actual, legit scientists study or have studied torsion field physics, including Einstein. So far, so good.
However it is at this point in the show that the poorly-groomed man starts to tell us how this affects our planet. Apparently the torsion field is coming out of synch with the earth's spin and at a certain date, namely December 21, 2012, it will become so out of synch that it will readjust the only way it knows how. Guess how he thinks that is? We'll give you a hint: It involves the end of the world.
Like this, except inside the earth, and deadlier looking, somehow.
There's apparently an extremely complex equation explaining this, way too complicated for any of the idiots watching the show or scientists to understand. However, it apparently wasn't too complicated for Mayans to figure out.
You might be saying that that's not conclusive evidence, but don't worry, he walks up and down the steps of a pyramid with his "accutron" to prove it. As he walks up and down the accutron gets different measurements, for reasons completely unrelated to humidity and altitude. Apparently the site of said pyramid (Tikal) is right on the tip of one of those torsion field points. Rather than, you know, any other of the huge Mayan sights still buried under the jungle. It has to be the tourist attraction.
Filler, filler.
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The accutron watch: clearly powerful scientific equipment
Filler, filler.
So to recap, a conspiracy theorist comes up with a "scientific" solution that science is unaware of, involving a super old watch, a popular tourist attraction, and some physics he probably doesn't even understand, that leads him to the conclusion that the world is going to end. Hey, they've got to think of some reason to explain the end of the Mayan calendar right? It's really the only logical explanation anyone's come up with.
Well, except ...
Yeah, that works too.
woow fail... @author do some research next time. Even with our technology and men power we can't rebuild the Great Pyramid of Giza, how people (4000 years ago) make something so perfectly positioned,well made ect ect ( I won't do the research for you ) even the best engineers in our time say they don't know how! thats why its a big f*****g mystery. Look at you talking about Alien and.. WTF dude ,I love cracked but this is a big fail... Sometimes people need to open their mind not EVERYTHING can be explained by science ( well ours ) and maybe some people were smarter than us 4000 years ago. Go check out this great doc "Revelation of the Pyramids"
ReplyWhy are all the commenters as equally ignorant as the author? The Mayan calendar "ends" in 2012 because it's the end of an age, it ends every 5,000 years. Mayan calendar has ended several times. Gregorian/Julian calendars end every December 31st. What would mathematical flies think?
ReplyExactly, everyone seems to be under the assumption that the calendar ending means the world ends. It only means that that time period ended. I have no idea who thought up the whole doomsday thing but anyone who believes it is about as smart as a box of rocks. Anyway the Mayans are baisically all gone now so that means they were wrong since the world clearly no longer exists for any of them.
The reason for the doomsday belief is because we, as a race, are obsessed with the end. We focus so much on how and when it all ends that we forget, or completely miss, the beginning and the journey. That is one of the primary reasons religion exists. Most religions tell about the end. Essentially, the person who said that the world will end in 2012 established a cult, accidentally or not. Those who believe that the world ends in 2012 are effectively buying into some cult belief.
what if one mayan was just bored and picked up the hobby of writing down the calendar for the next few years and got carried away. obviously you cant go on forever so he either died or said... i need to get back to school and find a real job!
ReplyBest explanation ever.
I've been saying for ages that the Mayan calender ended because some Mayan decided to f**k with future generations.
ReplyIt's still more fun to think the world is going to end. because if it does I'm forming my own Nation out of the rubble; founded on Sarcasm and Satire.
ReplyOr... how about passive-aggressive metropolis? With blackjack, and hookers. In fact, screw the metropolis and blackjack. Ahh... Forget the whole thing...
Yeah, thousands and thousands of willing workers.
ReplyAlso slaves
Incorrect, the builders of the pyramids were all well paid Egyptians, who even got things like medical care.
khufucare, my man.
Firstly the Mayan calender does NOT say the world will end on December 21st 2012, it says that the current time period we are in, which started in 3113 B.C., will end. Also a Torsion field is any field created by a spinning object, this is also only a theory these fields are not law and also very misunderstood. As soon as people heard of this theory though they jumped right on it claiming that it proves all sorts of other bull-shit things such as: telepathy, telekinesis, and the oh so popular levitation. Whenever i hear of a theory that proves the world will end in 2012 i notice right after it also says that it was created by a person who can float using medatation...
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesa field created by a spinning object? So... I can make a force field if I spin around? Interesting.
you can make a forcefield to reflect missiles and bullets by spinning?
That explains Neji's Rotation!
Wait are you talking about gyroscopes? Is that a torsion field? The things that can keep a giant ship calmly sailing through the storm without shaking? Those things are mighty.
Looks like Nicolas Cage is going to have to step up and save the world again
ReplyDid anyone else caught the "filler, filler" lines?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAlso, fun article.
w/ ctrl+f, but not until u mentioned it. i normally don't just highlight every web page i come across to look for hidden text. maybe i should start
Funny story, those "filler, filler" lines where because I couldn't figure out how to put spaces between the text and the images. Just enter didn't work.
You could use the tab key.
?
or is it not written in html?
*sigh* Another article declaring that any theory other than the "official" one must be a crazy "conspiracy theory." The only reason the Khufu pyramid has even been attributed to him is ONE set of symbols made (presumably) by workers calling themselves the "people of Khufu." Other than that, there is NO evidence to support the claim. None. In fact, a nearby stellae (look it up) at a temple dedicated to Isis talks of Khufu "REPAIRING" the already ancient pyramid!
ReplyLook up and Zecharia Sitchin's rather exhaustive research on the matter. Whether you choose to believe it or not, it illustrates rather clearly that there ARE more ways than one to interpret the available data.
Well, duh. Obviously the pyramids were landing pads for the Goa'uld...
Nice Stargate Reference. Thumbs up for that one.
"...the pyramid of Giza in Egypt"? Do you think there's just one there? Are you retarded?
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAre illiterate and retarded? Did I say that was the only one in egypt? I even have a picture with the words: "Great pyramid of Khufu" on it. Seriously, think before you type.
Bazinga!
Oblivious accidentally his typing?
"The most famous pyramid is, without a doubt, the pyramid of Giza in Egypt."
but yea, I knew what you meant
But there is more than one pyramid at Giza
HILARIOUS
ReplyBut too long
haha funny s**t
Replyhmm, arrogant article is arrogant.
ReplyWarranted arrogance is warranted.
but it has also been proven that with ALL the laborers and 40 years to build these, its not possible to build these in that amount of time. even with our technology now and a billion people we couldnt build them in that amount of time. they are perfectly aligned with stars and completely symetrical.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesi ripped a tree stump from the ground with just a small crow bar, by myself, without digging it out. people do extraordinary things when they are bored and/or drunk, which the egyptians were
It also helps to have a shitload of jews that you can kill on a whim as labourers.
How exactly does one "prove" that they couldn't do it? Did someone hire 80,000 people, discover every single technique the ancient egyptians knew for constructing buildings, then give it a go over 40 years? Seriously, we don't even know how many people were involved, let alone the methodology and technology. To say it's "proven impossible" is downright ridiculous.
And weren't the Egyptians extremely accurate when it came to the stars and alignment with them? I mean I know it's been a long ass time since middle school... still thou.
There is an amazingly simple explanation for the mayan calendar ending in 2012 that has nothing to do with end of the world scenarios: its the end of the calendar. The calendar is exactly 5000 years old and is known as the Long Count. The Mayans simple assumed they would be around to start a new one.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAs for the egyptians, the pyramids of giza were the end result of generations of design. Tombs used to be simple structures consisting of a burial space and a little chapel to pay your respects. But pharoahs wanted more and more respect and kept having their tombs built bigger and bigger. The Sphynx is actually a massive version of the chapel. And contrary to the popular belief, they were not built by slaves. Actual archaeologists (not the fake archaeologist conspiracy nuts) did actual work (non web-surfing and blogging type work) and discovered the worker camps which showed evidence of a well taken care of work force. Most likely it was a tax system, instead of paying money you pay in time spent on the pyramids.
However, people like the slave version better. History is a lot like Star Wars: after being rewriten and revised it no longer makes any sense and goes against everything you learned as a child.
you're right, the workers were more like construction workers of today, except whistling at a lady meant potenially letting a 1,000 ton rock slide down like it's the toboggin from hell.
we all know its slaves that are jews retard
Slaves often did a lot of work, but they weren't the ones actually working on the pyramid. often they were tasked on carrying large stones around, or other remedial, physical tasks.
"so much for the summer olympics"
Replyactually the summer olympics are for some strange reason held in the summer, meaning that if the world were going to end we would still have the olympics. but its not.
I recognize that, but its just a joke anyway, so I don't really see why it should matter so much.
Besides, judging by the comments I read, most people didn't notice.
So no big deal.
this is not worthy of a comment even thou i juss commented lol smiley face
ReplyWhy the hell do my comments keep disappearing?
ReplyBesides this one.
GOVERNMENT MIND CONTROLLING ALIEN LASERS FROM THE FUTURE!
Did you know that the Trade Towers were abducted by aliens? It's true. I read it on Wikipedia, I think.
Reply