Disney Snow White

Snow White is the first feature length animated film made by Disney. It was bequeathed upon the world in 1937 and has continued to manipulate women's psyches since then.

Tim Burton's edgy new remake. Helena Bonham Carter will play the queen and Johnny Depp will play everyone else. Including Snow White.

Just The Facts

  1. It was based on the old European fairy tale that is known as Schneewitcheen in Germany, because Germans hate having nice sounding words for things.
  2. In the Albanian version she lived with 40 dragons, which would have undeniably been one of the most awesome things ever produced by Disney.
  3. Neil Gaiman reimagined Snow White as a vampire. I'm not going to tell you that you should go read it right fucking now, but I will say that she apparently bites a dude on the dick. Suck it Twilight.
  4. Snow White has helped perpetuate sexism and stereoptypes along with having some trippy, slightly terrifying scenes and rather morbid themes, so of course is regarded as a Disney Classic.

The Actual Story:

Once upon a time there was a Queen, and knowing her rightful place, she sat at the window sewing and thinking about the perfect sandwich to make for her husband.

She pricks her finger and a few drops of blood fall onto the snow that was collecting on her ebony window frame, then, and to the complete bafflement of any sane, normal person, she wishes she had a daughter with skin as white as snow, hair as black as ebony, and lips as read as blood. That isn't something people just think when they stab themselves in the finger. Usually it's more along the lines of 'Fuck! That shit hurts. Why can't I buy a goddamn thimble, I'm the bloody queen for god's sake.' and then we'd probably beat one of our chambermaids.

So after awhile she get's pregnant, and miraculously to a baby the exact despricption of which she gave to a supposedly empty room. She then dies. I think this supports my theory that she actually sold her soul to Satan to have a perfect child who is quite possibly the anti-christ. Think about it.

In his grief the king almost instantly remarries a younger sexier sandwich maker. The new Queen is also one hell of a bitch and to top it off practices witchcraft (and my Satanic ritual theory continues to gain credibility) Each morning she would look into a magical mirror and ask the same stupid ass question, "Spieglein, Spieglein, and der Wand/ Wer ist die Schontse im gozen Land?" (Who is the sexiest bitch in the province of Prussia? I'm insecure!) and each day it would say 'you are my queen.' and she would jack off to herself. Untill, Snow White's seventh birthday. It declares her the fairest. What the hell is in the German water that makes seven year olds attractive in anyway? She's seven. Seven. She was probably less developed than Justin Bieber.

Fuck you google... Just, no.

For the horrible impudence to dare be slightly more good looking according to a talking piece of glass, the queen decided to have her murdered. Where the dad is in all this we may never know. So the queen sends a huntsman to go kill her, but he finds himself unable to do so, I hope because of the fact that she's seven and not that she actually is the hottest chick in Germany. He gives the Queen a deer heart as proof of the deed and she fucking eats it. She would have eaten a little girls heart.

Snow runs away, joins a band of dwarves, who say she can stay if she'll clean the house (which is sort of slavery, honestly) and all is good. Till the queen eats too many chocolates or some shit and asks the mirror again and the mirror says Snow White is the fairest. And she's like, so I'm uglier than a dead seven year old and the mirror is like no dumbshit she's alive. The Queen disguises herself and visits three times as a beggar, trying to convince snow white to take some useless shit like a comb and some laces, which happened to be poisoned. She doesn't take it (thanks to those stranger danger classes) until the third time when she figures "it's okay to eat this apple held by a menacing old woman person who I've never met in my life, it's not like my stepmother is trying to kill me for the stupidest reason ever aside from maybe doing it to impress Jodie Foster".

cause that's an honest face right there

Now there are discrepencies here in which things could become very creepy. The dwarves assume she's dead and decide to place her in a glass coffin that's just lying around. One day a Prince stumbles upon her and either kisses her, waking her up, attempts to carry off her corpse, dislodging the apple, or he jars the piece out during couitis (technically necrophillia) or she only wakes up after beginning to go through fucking labor.

After that family friendly adventure, they return to the kingdom and have the evil stepmother dance at their wedding. In iron shoes. Heated iron shoes. Till she died.

The Disney Treatment.

Keep morbid themes and elements, but throw cute shit on top so no one notices. Take out shit about the original mother to confuse the audience more. Make titular character older to avoid creepiness of having to animate pedophillia. Take out any possible sex, mostly.

Have someone fall off a mountain. Insert songs and woodland creatures performing house work. Add batshit scary scene to traumatize children. You've got yourself a Disney movie.

The Consequences? (which will never be the same)

well whatever the fuck that is for one.

So aside from a terrifying niche of porn, Snow White has been one of the big players in the ideas of Prince Charming, hapless damsels in distress, and the verticly challenged being considered silly charicatures instead of real people.

Prince Charming seems to be the ideal man for lots of women, but he really is something of a rapist, if not a necrophilliac. The most heroic thing he does in this movie is walk through a forest. Granted it was the terrifying forest of death that would try to rape you if you ran through it, but still.

Also it encourages the sort of thinking that the people that hate you, must be insecure and wish they were as beautiful as you, when you could just be a huge bitch.