Aliens
Aliens are really big pussies. Fortunately, by the time they read this, it will be after 2012, so it won't matter. But yeah. Pussies.
Just The Facts
- Aliens have tried for years to take over Earth. Every time, they fail.
- Aliens are inhabitants of other planets.
- There is nothing that we have that they could possibly need, but they keep trying anyway.
Aliens
Aliens are inhabitants of other planets who keep coming to the planet Earth to conquer us and take our resources. Despite all of their powerful technology, aliens remain intergalactic vaginas who fail repeatedly at their task. After many, many attempts, all they've managed to do is just slaughter our cattle and kidnap and anally rape us, which admittedly is pretty horrible, but still falls much short of their imperialistic goals.
Many people also suggest that aliens leave crop circles as some sort of navigational chart or something. For this to be true, you would have to believe that aliens can build space ships to travel to other planets, but don't have GPS, or instead of communicating with e-mail, they leave each other big fucking post-it notes that take all night to make and someone else has to travel thousands of light years to come see. People who think crop circles are real are idiots.
People Obsessed with Aliens
Gorilla199
Gorilla199 shares his knowledge of the alien conspiracy, the lizard conspiracy, and the freemason conspiracy on his Youtube channel. Long story short, every one is a lizard and a Freemason and from space. Also, alien lizard freemasons have influenced society from the beginning. So, basically, it's like this, but everyone is like this:
He has one of the most popular channels on Youtube because of videos like this:
Unarians:
Unarius Academy of Science is a Southern California based religion that teaches us that Jesus was an alien. So was John the Baptist. Because they were the same person who lived in different bodies and then they reincarnated into a the guy who founded this church in the methamphetamine district of San Diego.
In short, they believe that Earth has been invited to join an intergalactic friendship of planets. In fact, the co-founder of Unarius arranged large piles of white rocks on her property to spell out "Welcome Space Brothers" on her land so the aliens could find her house in case they didn't have her address. Once a year, the Unarians get together to celebrate their place in the universe in the conclave of light:
Here's a fun game: If you don't have 10 minutes, randomly open up three places on this video, like, say, 2:13, 4:52, 9:45.
The Unarians also believe that their Atlantean secrets hold the key to the energy crisis, as shown here in this clip from the Daily Show:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Pity The Fuel | ||||
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Why Do Aliens Keep Trying to Kill Us?
No one really knows why aliens keep trying to attack Earth, since they are so much more advanced than us and can easily replicate anything that we have, but it has been widely speculated that the reason is because they have seen our planet's unrelenting love for anime, which is horrible, and disgusts them and makes them want to blow up our planet or take all of our resources that we need to live.
Ancient Evidence of Aliens
It has been suggested that aliens have been visiting our planet for thousands of years.
Nazca lines
In Peru, there are several pictures that have been drawn in the ground that are so big that you can only see them from the sky, or a tall building, but since Peru doesn't have any buildings, you can only see them from the sky. Here is a famous Nazca drawing of a bird that scientists think is proof that aliens visited ancient Peruvian civilizations:
This is bullshit for two reasons: 1) That is the ugliest fucking bird we have ever seen. It looks more like a duck-billed platypus with paper clips sticking out of it. It's not a fucking bird. Can you imagine if you travel to another planet and the inhabitants draw a piece of shit like that for you? Why does it have legs coming out of its stomach and its back? 2) If aliens did come to Earth, why would they go to Peru and not America?
Aliens in Egypt:
Many suspect that aliens helped build the pyramids in Egypt because the alternative theory is that Jews did manual labor.
Alien movies
Here is a basic rundown of the ways aliens have tried to kill us and how they have failed:
1. The Aliens Quadrilogy Trilogy:
Alien(s) is really the same movie 3 times.
2. Predator:
The Universe's best hunters fooled by mud and a bow and arrow set made out of wood and tree vines. That's like the Spartans being fooled by Persians because they have funny hats. Yet, despite his weakness of not being able to see things that have mud on them, he decides to do his hunting in the rain forest, possible the muddiest possible place in the world.
3. Independence Day:
Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum program a virus and fly into the mothership to upload it. Then, they fly back to Earth and the remaining US air forces take out the Las Vegas invader ufo. Then, there's a cut scene that shows how the spaceships over the Congo and Taiwan were killed by throwing spears and lions at them until they exploded.
4. Signs:
Not to be out done by a Jew and an African American, Mel Gibson fights off the invading alien army with a baseball bat. Aliens, come to Earth at night and invade farms. Unfortunately, their weakness, water, is not noticed until their full on invasion. That's right, they never once noticed that that dew that covers all the plants at night melts their skin.
5. Transformers:
Megatron foiled by LeBoeuf when he put the Allspark in Megatron's chest. Coincidentally, this also brings dead transformers back to life.
I feel like Battle for Los Angeles is a exception to the aliens utterly failing at attempting to conquer earth.
ReplyAlien 3 is awesome. Watch the assembly cut. Alien Resurrection, on the other hand, was the retarded episode in the franchise.
Replythought i was the only one
Having never seen the underside of a Face Hugger properly before, I have to say I am pretty shocked. And turned on.
ReplyUm....Chocolate kills dogs too....
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesthat was the one point that aliens scored against puppies, notice the check mark over the dog, E.T. had no problem with chocolate (though he got plastered on like less than a 6 pack of Coors, so how great could he be?)
And it doesnt really kill dogs. Old wives tale. Not good for them, but I unfortunately know from experience when my dog got into and ate an entire bag of chocolate chips.
It depends on the dog and the kind of chocolate, as well as the amount.
Small dogs de faster than large ones, and the purer the chocolate, the worse.
it does kill dogs, but only if they eat like a full tenth of their weight. and as for ET getting plastered on less than a six pack, he's built up no tolerance in his life, and besides that, look at how little he is!
It's not an old wive's tale. Your dog just didn't get a dose high enough to kill it. Like all things toxic, it takes a certain amount to kill whatever organism the substance is toxic for.
Stupid article... everybody knows the nazca lines and crop circles were made by puppies.
ReplyI know, right?
Aren't there like hundreds of Nazca lines? A lot of them are like perfect.
Replythey did it with ropes.
Yeah, I'd bang an alien.
Replyyou really like to tell people that don't you?
The Pyramids were not built by Jews. Jews arrived after the Hyksos invaded Egypt at the end of the Middle Kingdom, while all 3 (famous ones, there are many more) Pyramids were built in the Old Kingdom. So the Jews were basically 3-400 years late. Also they were built by volunteers, not slaves as previously thought.
ReplyYou were there? You saw this?
Disregarding Alien 3 but not Alien Resurrection? It's like, you almost had it, but why did I even read this article? I was also promised many, many more puppies.
ReplyI always held the idea that the Predator would hunt in a rain forest specifically BECAUSE everything there is covered in rain or mud. That would make the nice warm humans stand out easier in the thermal vision.
ReplyThat would true in the real world, where mud is actually a crappy substance to hide your body heat and warms up from your body's temperature very quickly. Unfortunately, the Predator made the mistake of landing in a franchise where that was not so.
Aliens are intergalactic vaginas?
ReplyGiven the fact that people report alien pregnancies(and that this actually exists) I'd say we're the intergalactic vaginas...
Or at least the intergalactic maternity ward.
I don't get it: the writer hates Alien 3?! PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF...
ReplyActually if the movies didn't depict aliens as the losers we have come to know then all the confidence we have as a species would crumble. I for one would like to see an invasion movie succeed in crushing all the puny humans and laying waste the earth while laughing...Bwhahahahaha...
ReplyJust do you and all of us a favor by killing yourself, you defeatist a-hole.
Yeah, So Skyline did that... Humans all die by pretty blue light ans then getting eaten by flying squids...but that movie was utter shit.
I watched aliens when I was 5 and knew even then it was a cornucopia of cocks and cunts, cunts in hands in fact!
Replya cornucopia is a horn.
The dog has a check meaning yes, he DOES have a weakness to chocolate
ReplyUh.. Actually dogs do have a fatal chocolate allergy that will poison them.
ReplyPerhaps you should take a second look at that, and think about what you just posted.
hey guys sorry about my little brother doing this, his naturally an asshole.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesbut this was pretty funny :D but still is kind of offensive aliens are'nt pussies are they?
Ah, the little brother excuse, nice move. Maybe it was really an alien that made the comment trying to fool us into believing in that they're vastly superior and going to kill us all. I would like to think that a race of beings intelligent enough to work out interstellar travel would at least learn the most widely used language on the planet, including spelling and punctuation. That kid needs to be beaten with a hose until he learns to at least be able to correctly spell words that were already used in the article. "Megetron???" It's spelled out right there in the last paragraph, you can't miss it. I believe that your "little brother" made the comment about as much as I believe the plausibility of Martin Riggs & Commodus laying the smack down on some poison spewing aliens with a baseball bat and a glass of water. Could it happen? Sure. Did it happen? Probably not. The Nazca Lines are art. We don't know how they were made or what their original purpose actually was. What we do know is that to date no alien post cards have been found at the scene. Maybe aliens only send e-cards. What planet did your alternate personality/"little brother" come from? Maybe you/he could shed some light on how to overcome our current understanding of the limitations of physics. We aren't "feeding off war." If hostile aliens can travel millions of light-years to reach us, it's probably a safe bet that they have a game plan for wiping us out with weapons we can't even begin to understand. You can't tell me that the entire issue can be resolved by simply sending Randy Quaid up in a jet to ram them up the cornhole. But, the writer did get one part about the Randy Quaid jet scenario wrong. It says in the movie that he flew F-4s in Vietnam so he would have had more than enough skill to fly an F/A-18C. The F/A-18 is much easier to fly than an old school F-4. The weapons systems are where he would have a problem, but you don't need to understand complex arming systems to cornhole an alien spacecraft. You just need a jet and a dream. The F-4 was one of the last raw interceptors and it didn't have anywhere near the avionics capability of the F/A-18. Any pilot will tell you that better avionics makes for easier flight. If he wasn't worried about over-stressing the airframe, and he wasn't 'cause he was performing the aforementioned alien cornhole attack, then all he had to do was go to full power, light the afterburners and enter a vertical climb. He was only in the vertical for a few seconds. The F/A-18 in all variants has more than enough power to climb 90°. Each engine alone can provide enough power for an 80° climb for a short time. With both engines lit it can climb indefinately.
How is it that your alternate personality/"little brother" doesn't think that aliens can replicate our technology? Do they really need to even? They have giant lasers that can destroy cities. They have some kind of advanced power source than can move them across the galaxy, fighter air/spacecraft that have their own type of pulse lasers which seem to have the ability to destroy our fighters in 1 shot. I don't think they're worried about whether or not their aircraft can run off of Jet-A when they get here. Or vegetable oil, if they happen to be hippie aliens. We don't know any aliens so we can't ask if they're "pussies." Maybe there are already some aliens among us, just waiting to launch the attack. We can't even handle the illegal alien problem so if/when space aliens with White House destroying lasers show up we're pretty fucked. I can kind of understand where you're coming from. Odds are you're from some small farming town in the Midwest. The aliens came to your house one night and abducted you. Then you spent several days being anally probed until they sent you back. You couldn't cope so you developed an alternate personality you call your little brother. But, here's what really happened. You weren't abducted by aliens. You went to a Backstreet Boys concert some years back, got ahold of some bad acid so the lights and sounds kinda overloaded your brain, then you ended up in an alley after being anally violated by all of the Backstreet Boys and that one guy from N'SYNC. The acid wore off and you lost the ability to spell and form cohesive sentences. That's why you get uneasy now anytime you hear an old Backstreet Boys song on XM. I'm guessing one of them made you call him Megatron in some weird RP scenario. Good luck with the cornhole buddy.
TL;FA
Whats tl;fa? Also, you guys got too much time on your hands. And you need hugged. Queefs.
tl;dr
okay dude your a f*****g FAS person. one thing cropcircles okay aliens dont f*****g send each other emails if you found an habited planet and you want your alien friends to see put cropcircles its not like you can just set up shop there it will be a bloody mess just like avatar.and a take over is hard because ovbisauly(i dont know how to spell that word) they dont know much about us and they probably know that were feeding off war so if they land in the US and try to take over with little laser guns they get there asses kicked with deadly force. um offcorse the rain forest predators are probably smart okay they not going into f*****g over populated citys like number 2 and yet its like us being fooled by all white suit with a thermal senser. and dude offcourse megetron died from the cube its f*****g huge its like if you want to kill someone use deadly electricity you want someone to come back to life use a little electricity soo megetron just over loaded and died same with the shard little bit off power comes back to life. offcorse its the ugliest f*****g bird you've ever seen its f*****g 5 k big its not like its art fucktard. and aliens cant just replcate our technology they dont have our resources and they just cant blow up the earth it will cause an disturbance in the galaxy retard. im sure if aliens tried to take over they would and f*****g zap us to s**t and squzh us , but they dont why maybe they want contact but the f*****g area 51 assholes blow the s**t otta them and f*****g take them under ground no wonder why aliens dont like us and there going to come at the end of the world and take the native people that dont destroy the world and live all the f*****g assholes who are making mother earth look like a f*****g pigsty and dont make articals like this that dont make sense a*****e you affended hundreds of people your a vagina
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesUm...first, its an article. So there's no need to go all apeshit cuz of it. If your offended by it, then move on to the next or don't come back to the site. Simple
Second, learn to type. I wouldn't be surprised if the writer ignored your comment cuz it was so hard to continue reading without wanting to gouge their eyes out
Wow. That was really quite something. You seriously need to learn about punctuation and stop reading "Conspiracies Weekly". I could point out ways in which your 'sound reasoning' makes little to no sense on every point you made but I somehow feel like my time would be wasted.
Kudos on the best insult of all time at the end there though. That genuinely made me laugh.
sorry this was my dumbass little brother, he hacks me everynow and then i dont even go on here. so sorry
sorry this is not me. my little brother goes on my account because my computer leaves me logged in.
the Kzinti lesson demonstrates the inaccuracy of believing that any race that can travel interstellar distances could be even briefly fazed by earth's military might.
Why would you call him a vagina? That just means a lot of people love him a lot.
1. E.T. Eats Reece's which is peanut butter not chocolate. 2. Dogs can eat a lot of milk chocolate, pounds without dying. The dark and semi-sweet is far more deadly. 3.The face hugger looks like a walking vagina!
ReplyAm I the only one who noticed that the facehugger's mouth looks exactly like a vagina?
Replystupid
yes you, only you.