Conspiracy Theories
Conspiracy theorists got a celebrity endorsement last week when Whoopi Goldberg questioned the Moon Landing on "The View." If only she'd consulted our handy 'People Who Would Have to Be Full of Shit' conspiracy theory chart ...
Just The Facts
- The average conspiracy theorist will argue with NASA, Nobel-prize winners and every expert in the world despite having fewer qualifications than the average fry cook.
- Conspiracy theorists view logical argument as cheating.
- Like pissing fetishes and tentacle rape comics, conspiracy theories are a problem made much worse by the Internet.
- Never assume malice when incompetence will do.
An Ego Issue
Conspiracy theorists divide the world into "Everyone even remotely involved/qualified vs. Me," and decide that they'll win single-handedly. They're like Rambo with bullshit instead of bullets.
They tend to enjoy the ego-boost that comes with thinking of oneself as the only intelligent objector in a world of sheeple. When the government has to spend billions of dollars shuttling Elvis from Roswell to the Bermuda Triangle and back in black helicopters before you can feel good about yourself, you've got to be pretty tragic.
Shadowy Organizations
Conspiracy theorists believe the world is run by schizophrenic shadowy organizations who - despite conspiring with millions in perfect silence - can't resist putting clues in things like major public monuments and every note of currency ever printed. Making the average Batman villain look like Professor Moriarty.
At the last count the world was secretly being run by the Illuminati, Knights Templar, Freemasons, Trilateral commission, New World Order, Skull & Bones society, Bilderberg group, Nine Unknown Men and the ever-popular Jews. It's unknown whether they all vote on various issues or just ask Dan Brown whose turn it is each week. Conspiracy theorists honestly believe that these invisible elites have run thousands of years of history but are incapable of killing someone who lives in a basement and shouts on street corners.
Conspiracy Theorist Abilities
Conspiracy theorists display incredible attention to detail, an even more incredible ability to ignore details they don't like, obsessive focus and a complete absence of social skills. Every time a new crazy decides that Bush brought down World Trade Center, anime loses a powerful Pokemaster.
Conspiracy theories u should be slapped if u believe in them:9/11, Illuminati, Alien invasion, 2012 and Freemason
ReplyMy friend told me she thinks the government is hiding people who live in the center of the Earth after migrating there during the first ice age (aka The Hollow Earth Theory). I LOL'd until she told me she was 100% serious.
ReplyThe world is being run by the rich and politicians. That is how society is and has been since the dawn of civilization. You have the royalty, the nobles, the religious clergy and the military controlling the rest of the populace.
ReplyYou guys really don't think that the rich elites who are part of groups and organizations that get together and meet secretly aren't manipulating events and world markets for their own gain and to keep control and help each other stay on top.
They run the world and there is nothing that can be done. Just live your life the best you can.
They do not need groups or organizations; is simple class struggle. If I am a rich, white man, I'll try to make the world a better place for rich white men like me. And rich white men will benefit from it, but not because we are part of some magical secret organization, but because society functions as a system.
@Arkero Yeah, that is what I am saying, these guys meet up and try to manipulate events to their own liking. Its like being in a Frat, your fellow members can help you out later. What I don't like is starting wars for war profiteering. I don't think that aliens and lizards rule the world. It just sucks that the little guy always gets screwed over. There should be a better way to run things.
I know a guy that honestly believes in the Reptilians, giant alien lizards that secretly rule the world. So far, his conspiracy rants have made me lose 20 IQ points.
Replyi really dont care if the u.s. went to the moon or not... the only thing that really gets to me is the flags waving. if they went thru all that trouble and money to film such a thing than you think they could have made the flag correct
Reply
Reply•Like pissing fetishes and tentacle rape comics, conspiracy theories are a problem made much worse by the Internet
i applaud you for this in every way
um... russia wouldn't be in on the hoax. thats the point. to fool russia to thinking we won the space race.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieseveryone with a satellite tv?
putting something into orbit is not even close to landing something on the moon, let alone a living thing with that high amount of radiation.
every scientist ever?
the average botanist is in on classified government topics? sounds logical to me
and journalists report misinformation almost daily.
not saying i believe one way or the other
"belief allows the mind to stop functioning. a non-functioning mind is clinically dead; believe in nothing" -MJK
but you are coming off as just as retarded as the majority of the crazier conspiracy nuts.
it seems to me that the people who have the most desire to speak, are often the ones who have the least to say.
and both sides have compelling evidence.
you seem to have dismissed anything 'conspiracy theorists' have to say on the grounds that they believe what they are telling you.
this article is a very archetypal illustration of what is known as "straw-manning"
vis-a-vis
"the crazy person says moon landing is fake. crazy people do this and that and are crazy, crazy crazy crazy"
without actually addressing the issue at hand.
i must reiterate. i am not saying i believe that the government is a source of malevolence and not merely mistaken for one.
but you come off as just as childish and ignorant as those you write against.
Russia monitored the launch. As closely as anything in the history of ever can be monitored, because that was during the Cold War. And they monitored it long enough to confirm a manned probe left Earth in the direction of the Moon and returned. They, the people that would be the first to jump at an opportunity to call the whole thing a hoax - hell, they could have called it a hoax just to discredit USA, even if it weren't a hoax - admitted defeat.
Rather humorous, considering that you apparently hold a grudge against capitalization and proper punctuation.
your pretty smart. smart to the point where you can make something that is funny to be rather un funny
"The system's out to get me! That's why my unemployment check is so low! The government's just trying to keep us black folk down!"
ReplyEvery person that says that or anything related to it is a conspiracy theorist.
haha theres a f n black president and they still say the keeping blackfolk down stuff haha
At the last count the world was secretly being run by the Illuminati, Knights Templar, Freemasons, Trilateral commission, New World Order, Skull & Bones society, Bilderberg group, Nine Unknown Men and the ever-popular Jews. It's unknown whether they all vote on various issues or just ask Dan Brown whose turn it is each week.
ReplyBEST CLUB MEETING EVAR.
The Skull and Bones failed in their bid to take over the world years ago. Now they just spend time on their private island masturbating. And breeding pterodactyls.
The government isn't competent enough to pull off any form of conspiracy. We couldn't even pass a bill to keep the FAA afloat because we were so busy arguing over something we've done 70 times in the last 60 years.
ReplyOkay, I haven't read the article yet, but your chart is just stupid. "Anyone who knows how Satillite TV works would NOT have to be lying (just for example!) because, first of all, the sending satellite could, you know, not be In space, if it is in space it doesn't require human beings from Russia to walk on the moon, and more importantly SATELLITE TV DID NOT EXIST IN 1969! Duh! The few people who really think this say THE moon landings were faked, not "all excursions into space ever including unmanned ones did not happen". Geez!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf it wasnt in space it wouldnt be a satellite. That's kind of a defining characteristic. I dont think you can really count yourself as one who knows how satellite TV works, much less understand whay it is on there.
You don't know how satellite tv works do you?
..I'd give up on forum discussions if i were you, and get back to basics core skill's... such as stringing words together that make sentences then on reading...as if that large 'tome' above was to much for you im fairly sure at this juncture you have probably already stopped reading this and fallen asleep with rapid eye movement exhaustion..
I'll be in the bunker donning aluminum foil undergarments if you need me
ReplyOh Luke, you are my HERO!!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesConspiracy Theorists are mostly insane, insecure, ill-educated people who WANT to believe that someone, somewhere, knows what is going on, and is in charge. Random chance freaks them out completely, as does coincidence. They cannot handle the uncertainty of reality at all. Often, those who are most religious mirror those needs for an authority, an "all-knowing" someone or something that dispenses justice and knows what is REALLY going on.
Sigh.
Yes, there have been, are, and will be conspiracies (which is just a paranoid word for "plan" or "scam" after all) but not on the scale envisioned by conspiracists.
Yes, corporations want to make as much money as possible. They'll hide mistakes if they can, of course. Every government that relies on the goodwill of the people to function wants to look as good in their eyes as possible, ditto. None of that is *inherently* evil. Or even part of some long-term plan.
Most small, sad, frightened, powerless feeling people believe in grand conspiracy theories. They'd rather believe in "daddy", no matter how wildly improbable, than believe there really is no man behind the curtain.
...Um, random chance? lol? What widely-believed conspiracy theory has anything to do with "random chance"? So, 9/11 happened now because two planes had mechanical malfunctions and plowed into towers because that was their random route after the pilots & passengers parachuted out due to the malfunction? You're the ONLY one who believes that!
@Rayvn7 9/11 was a terrorist attack. Were you cognitive yet when that happened? I woulda figured most people would remember that part.
Did you read Rayvn's entire comment? As tiny as it is?
Huh, JustinLand?
every has an opinion and there is too much to argue besides all the theorist that argue this s**t dont do anything about it i dont see any theorists leading revolutions or getting into politics to make this country any better they just like to talk talk talk and then play video games or whatever we will hopefully learn the truth when we die if not just live your life and aim for your own happiness
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBy the number in your username, I'm guessing that you're thirteen. I have some advice for you, kid; Stay In School. If that's how well you write now, you definitely need more education. I agree with you and all, but no one is going to take you seriously if you don't capitalize, punctuate, or use proper sentence structure.
So you've never heard of Ron Paul and the millions of people who start things around him? Exactly what so-called conspiracy theorist ISN'T into politics? In fact, how could they form an opinion on the conspiracy if they're not? How is it possible to believe drivers liscenses and birth certificates are illegal without knowing or caring about the Constitution and/or law? Even more obviously, how is it possible to believe the Constitution was rewritten... without caring about the Constitution? lol!!
Umm, I hate to break this to you, Rayvn7, but putting a Ron Paul bumper sticker on your car and sending links to YouTube videos made by Alex Jones is not going to overthrow an insanely powerful and centuries old organization of the most powerful people in history.
We're talking about people who, if you're to be believed, have killed billions and the means, will and plans to kill billions more. And you think some Libertarian Texan and a crackpot radio host are going to overthrow them?
"Hold the phone on the global enslavement plan, Paul just won the Presidency."
"Well f**k, untold trillions of dollars and generations of scheming just went down the drain."
@Rayvn7 The Constitution does get rewritten. Theyre called Ammendments and they are a critical part of allowing the country to adapt to an ever changing world. How is it possible to know about the constitution without finding out what Ammendments are.
justin your f****n insane my Great uncle was a guard at a a german internment camp he watched them murder the jews later however he was killed for treason dark part in my family history
ReplyAll you people that trust the government our going to be the ones that end up dead. I bet you people still think the holocaust actually happened hahaha, shows how dumb you people that believe the government our. Who funded the eugenics campaign for the Nazi's Rockefeller did and hes a jew. Who funds the UN depopulation campaign rockefeller, buffet, and gates it's on their own website if you don't believe me. You people our the fools.
Reply Hide All See All 14 RepliesYou're f*****g crazy, the only part you're right about is that we shouldn't trust the government. And if the holocaust didn't happen then what about the people WHO LIVED THROUGH IT? For example, my grandmother was a young girl when Nazi's were occupying Norway, and I've heard horror stories about it (and she wasn't even a Jew or any other race the Nazi's targeted).
I honestly cannot tell whether JustinMoe is genuinely a bigoted turd with the IQ of a grapefruit, or merely somebody with a very heavy-handed wit who intends this as satire. Which says quite a lot about conspiracy theorists, no?
LOL!
"You people our the fools"
wow.....a little early in the morning for that level of ignorance, but thanks for the lol anyway :) :) :)
As a basic rule of thumb, I don't give credence to the opinions of people who spell "are" as "our". Seriously man, it wasn't just some momentary lapse of intelligence, you did it three times. Goddammit I've probably just been trolled.
Just thought I'd mention that a large number of people find it incredibly offensive to deny the holocaust (mainly German)
please, no one respond to this person. It is extremely aggravating that he/she exists, and yes I KNOW that the Nazis videotaped torture in the Concentration camps, and that those tapes are available and there are millions upon millions of eyewitnesses to these camps from just about every nation involved in WWII, but this guy actually believes what he is saying and the only humane thing to do is hope he gets put down
Don't you people know a troll when you see one? For God's sake, you're worse than /real/ conspiracy theorists.
Two words: Poe's Law.
mmmmmmmm, thats good satire!
You Funny.
i believe that he is trolling. the fact that he got so many people pissed off only proves my point.
Well, the holocaust victims believe it happened.
JustinMoe, you are a comical mastermind
I'm caught up in this argument with some idiot in my martial arts class who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy and all the world is run by the money "gods. " He has terrible grammar and spelling throughout his utterances. Tells you a lot about the mental state these people are in. Either high on drugs or alcohol.
lmao @ the Rand Paul ad featured above the comments. How fitting...
ReplyListen Sheeple, it's not the Illuminati you must worry about! Fear the clowns! They will eat you in your sleep! Spread the word! CLOWNSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssss............
ReplyFinally, somebody who knows and speaks the truth.
I eat clowns
I got a friend that's always going on about conspiracies. He was telling me about the evil pyramid and how it being on our money, and AOL, and other things was a sign of the illuminate. I said it was coincidence. He replies "I don't believe in coincidences." He doesn't believe in coincidences, but he believes in the illuminate.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieshaha this was funnier than the article well done!
The Illumaniti was a great organization, if the governments were truly involved with the Illuminati they'd be a lot less manipulative in an evil way. And, more obviously, a lot less interested in promoting religion.
Rayvn7 I hope you are not implying Religion is a bad thing.
AOL? Are you sure your friend isn't schizophrenic?
I think the 2 people below are offended conspiracy theorists.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI like how you always get that one guy on conspiracy forums who is going batshit crazy but also could be part troll and just strings random crap together. Por example: "THIS IS IT GOVERNMENT MIND SPERM IN YOUR HEAD WITH A DEVICE s**t AND THEY KNOW IT'S HAPPENING INSANE. COS U NO AND I NO It'S HAPPENING AND U DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY DID ABOUT THE MOON WHEN IN THE PYRAMIDS."
pretty much.
haha thats the funnyest thing i ever heard, but that is what they are like
YOU IGNORANT BLUE SHEEPLE GOVERNMENTA ALIENS PANCACKE ARE RUNNILING THE WORLD SATAN WITH MONKEY APESHIT SPACE MICRO X-Y RAYWAVES ARE CONTROLLING OUR MINDBRAIN AND CORRUPTING OUR SOULSPIRIT THE TRUTH THE TRUTH DECAYS MARS MANGA VENUS INFILTRATION EVIL PEOPLE ALIEN BRAINWORM LIZARD SLUG GYAH GYAH help me im insane YOU DONT KNOW THE TRUTHIM ONLY PERSON LEFT RIGHT BACK IN COME COME LITTLE CHILD
@Nnoitra Um those aren't "conspiracy theorists" those are people who worry about telepathic aliens. Who incidentally hardly exist.