Nerds with money. Pasty, flabby technophiles, whose skill with technology is inversely proportional to their chances of physical contact with an actual human.

Is you is, or is you ain't a geek.

It will never happen.

Just The Facts

  1. Geeks exist to give Nerds someone to look down on for breaking the faith.
  2. At least they can still look down on Emos.
  3. And Twilight fans.
  4. Juggalos goes without question.

What is an actual geek?

Originally, a geek was a circus sideshow. A man, hidden in a pit in a tent, who bit the heads off live chickens or bats. Sort of a proto Ozzy without the kickass tunes.


Nowadays, of course, biting the heads off live chickens is a bit passe, mainly due to it being done thousands of times on Youtube. Instead, the modern geek, though still living in the pit of Mom's basement, bites the head off any technology that offends their sensibilities, or any liberties taken with the expanded universe canon.

If it is pop culture, Kutcher will be in it.

The Rise of the Geek

Once upon a time, back in the dim and distant past when a techie was just someone who understood Hurst shifters and comic books were read by everyone, there were no geeks. Just dorks with their chess club, Star Trek and ham radio.

And the dorks were the bottom of the heap.

Then came computers. A way to divide dorks into socially inept bully fodder and technically savvy, socially inept bully fodder. Of course, they needed a name, and the name they were given was nerds.

Aww, don't you just want to slap him silly?

As computers became more widespread, a strange phenomenon appeared. The really advanced nerds started getting some respect from ordinary people, mainly by making mountains of money. As it is decidedly un-American to deride wealth, these respected nerds became Geeks.

Slapping a billionaire silly, no matter how tempting, is generally a bad idea.

Geek Culture

Geeks have their own culture, complete with codes, mores and arcane rules. Although seemingly bland for most normal people, it has a richness and rightness all its own. Be warned though. Hipsters have attempted to hijack geek culture. Watch for the twist of the lip, or air quotes, to determine if irony is in any way involved.


Geeks do not speak as we do. A face punchingly annoying tendancy to demolish English and attempt to make it more rational has given them an entire language of their own, which is precise, detailed, logical and completely humorless. Yes, it is true. Geeks are indeed from Vulcan.

Trinary Rulez


Geeks do not really worry about clothing, beyond the bare minimum for comfort and, optionally, hygiene. There are really only two geek commandments as far as dress is concerned. The first, "thou shalt not wear ties," is eminently sensible. The second, " thy glasses frames shall weigh more than thy lenses," causes opticians to rub their hands in glee and materials scientists to lose sleep.

Obscure, unfunny t-shirts are mandatory. See Snorg for details.


Not even the mightiest geek, with all their famed powers of concentration, can survive without a little down time and relaxation. Unlike most of us, who sensibly head to the nearest bar with friends, geeks relax by watching Star Trek, obsessing over paradoxes and plot holes in Doctor Who, or rewatching their favorite films and reciting along with the dialogue.

If we say this is the greatest captain, the flame wars will leave no survivors.


Geeks, despite the persistant rumours to the contrary, do have a sense of humor. It is just a little, well, odd. Mainly to do with their day to day life, aspirations, interests and complete lack of self worth, geek humor keeps breaking into the mainstream. Whereupon geeks lose all interest in keeping up with things that "the herd" find amusing. Family Guy and Robot Chicken are prime examples of this tendancy.

The original. The best. And it shall always be ours!


Geeks love toys, preferably ones that do not need to be shared. In commercial parlance, geeks are considered "early adopters," AKA "mugs" or "beta testers." There are a plethora of websites devoted to seperating a geek from his cash as painlessly as possible, but E3 is the geeks true, natural hunting ground.

Coming soon: iNdividuality.


To a geek, food is fuel, to be shovelled down as fast as possible. Oh, there are restaurants in cities that cater to geeks, but the ordering technology is the attraction. The food could be shit on toast as far as they are concerned. Pseudofood, frequently involving a cartoon cat in shades, is the geek pleasure. And caffiene is as important as breathing.

Another geek brown bags lunch.


Geeks have a rich, productive social life, invariably being members in good standing of a dozen forums, several news groups and 2 dozen mailing lists. Oh, you meant in meatspace? Nah, that simply doesn't happen.

Out for the evening. Not shown - friends.


Geeks do date, usually blind, when their mothers get sufficiently annoyed with them. There being no cheat codes for dealing with real people and left technologically bereft, forced to make actual face to face conversation, geeks retreat into a stammering incompetance. Fortunately, as Hugh Grant has shown us, this is charming, and the way to a lady's heart.

Geeks do marry and breed. This is rarely a good thing.

Famous Geeks

Considering most famous geeks already have topic pages, which says something both about their fame and about the sort of person who writes topic pages in the first place, let's see how many you can recognise. The pictures act as links to the relevant page.

Bill Gates

How many did you get?