Humans Suck

In our fraction of a second on Earth, we've managed to create global warming, weapons of mass destruction, hunt animals to extinction, and spawn Al Gore. Congrats. We're just that fucking awesome.

Just The Facts

  1. The only reason we're not extinct is because of our brains.
  2. Aforementioned brains also slow us down, hog all our energy intake, and make childbirth a bitch.

We're Small

Think about this.

The Earth has been around for billions of years, during which time the dinosaurs ruled for millions of years. They dominated shit. They grew from bacteria to full-blown animals, and they had a pretty good track record. Hell, they were the first to develop opposable thumbs. (Where are your bragging rights NOW!?)

That flowchart isn't drawn to scale, or else we'd be too small to fill up a single pixel.

Seriously, we're nothing. There is no analogy describing just how insignificant humans have been on the life of the Earth, because we'd end up saying something like "an atom of an atom". Trippy.

We're Unfit

So Who's Better?

If you're not the top of the food chain, then who is?


Yeah, those folks from Jurassic Park beat us out by a few million years. Its not so much that they're physically better, but they managed to survive for hundreds of millions of years, and we've only been around for a few thousand years. Maybe if we stayed around for a few million more years, we'd have a shot at taking the crown.

The problem is that we probably won't be around for a few million more years. In the past hundred years we introduced CFCs and global warming that are, apparently, destroying the atmosphere. We're overpopulating the Earth (thanks, China). There's a food shortage. And a water shortage. And a shortage of pretty much everything.

If dinosaurs tried this shit, then we wouldn't be around. You can thank them for not making smokestacks and Ford F350s that scream "I'm a tool." So the next time you go by the Museum of Natural History, stand in front of the T. Rex statue, bow down, and pray. No one will be creeped out.