Chatroulette

Chatroulette is both a website and an interesting conundrum: Theoretically, using the webcam/chatroom dynamic, you can talk to new and exotic peoples from across the globe. In practice, however, you mostly end up talking to new and exotic dicks.

The best thing Chatroulette has ever done. There. Now there is no reason to ever expose yourself to it. You're welcome.
The best thing Chatroulette has ever done. There. Now there is no reason to ever expose yourself to it. You're welcome.

Just The Facts

  1. Chatroulette connects people around the world that would otherwise never communicate.
  2. According to Chatoulette's representation of Earth, 40% of the human race is emotionally disturbed masturbating men.
  3. This is fairly accurate.

Cracked on Chatroulette

Like Omegle, Chatroulette is a website that builds its foundation on anonymous interactions with strangers. . It utilizes your computer's webcam to connect you with a one-on-one confrontation with a complete stranger, whom you get to view via their webcam, prompting an immediate "what the fuck this is creepy as shit" response when first being exposed to the site, often followed closely by a "that thing looks like a dick" response soon thereafter.

Because you can see the person with whom you are communicating, people cannot lie about their age, gender, or physical appearance. It is truly honest communication, and chatroulette proves, without a doubt, that honesty is not the best policy.

Though it's taken for granted now that dicks lie in wait around every metaphorical corner of the site, waiting to violate your eyeballs with...well, with dicks... many of the PMs, or "penis-men," will disconnect from you almost instantly. This doesn't even give you the chance to register disgust or shock properly. It's as if they deem you "unworthy" to view their manhood in motion. This is most likely because of three reasons:

1. You are not female.

2. They worry that you will file a complaint against them, and move along too fast to allow you to do so.

3. You also have your dick out.

After spending a few minutes on Chatroulette, the user will notice some bizarre patterns in the way their conversational partners act and react. For example, 92% of the chat participants will instinctively mimic your tragically retarded face:

Though it is primarily unmoderated, Chatroulette does feature one "security" feature as mentioned earlier: The option to report someone you come across whom you feel is acting inappropriately. To test the limits of a Chatroulette user's tolerance, we participated in a number of detestable, immoral, and most certainly illegal behavior, and received no reports. Then we mentioned politics and/or religion, and BAM:

Uh... success? Hooray?

Chatroulette Games for Sociopaths

Since you are as likely to have an interesting conversation on Chatroulette as you are to be struck by lightning after tripping over buried treasure, the best way to enjoy the program is to join the crowd and horrify the occasional unsuspecting person. If you're unsure of how to do this, here are some quick and easy activities to get you started.

The Bait and Switch (For a Hand-Drawn Penis)

Difficulty: 2 (depending on your artistic abilities)

If you have a tablet PC, or if you're moderately skilled in the ways of MS Paint, you can pull off this simple game invented by webcomic Penny Arcade. When you connect to a new partner, make sure that you're showing the portion of your computer screen that you will be drawing on (PA recommends CamTwist for this purpose). Once you have established a connection with a stranger, let them know that you wish to draw them. This is a high honor! To be immortalized forever in portraiture was a right formerly reserved for kings and aristocrats. Your partner will be flush with modest happiness in the face of such an offer. You, of course, will then draw an enormous, horrible penis.

Your results may vary, but there will usually be tears.

The Oh God

Difficulty: 4 (depending on your resourcefulness in finding questionable videos)

This next activity requires access to a large volume of mentally and emotionally scarring video clips. If you do not have access to clips such as these, stop being stupid - yes you do, it's called the internet. As before, you must set up your webcam settings to show off your computer screen instead of yourself, then let the scarring begin!

Above: a real picture of real fear.

If you've done it right, you've convinced an innocent soul that the world is full of shaved Hutt-monsters, and hopefully instilled a crippling social anxiety in them.

The Admiral Ackbar

Difficulty: 9 (depending on how convincing you are)

This technique skillfully combines your partner's greatest wishes with their greatest fears, creating a veritable Reese's Peanut Butter cup of emotional trauma. This activity assumes that you are male and, since you're reading about Chatroulette on Cracked, this is likely the case. Before logging onto Chatroulette, dress as a member of the opposite sex as best you can. Don't worry about being convincing: As everybody who's ever hooked up over the internet can tell you, a grainy web cam and the proper angles can make anybody look like Anne Hathaway. Once connected, initiate a faux striptease to capture their attention, then, once they've bought their tickets to the Boner Carnival, whip out your own Log Ride. The results will speak for themselves:

Chatroulette Games for Ben Folds

The I Am Ben Fucking Folds

Difficulty: 1 (if you are Ben Folds)

This game was apparently inspired by a fellow named Merton, who would do piano improv for people on Chatroulette; after Ben Folds perfected the art, however, we ceased to give a shit.

  1. Gather 2,000 people
  2. Sign onto Chatroulette
  3. Be Ben Folds

This has been scientifically proven to be the greatest possible application of Chatroulette.

Follow the co-author of this topic on Twitter: @alexfurlin