Batman Begins

After Batman and Robin, just having a monkey eating shit on screen would be a bigger box office success, right? Well, Warner Bros didn't like the script we sent, so they made Batman Begins instead!&&(n

Batman runs from nothing, though it should be pointed out that the boulder represents Joel Schumacher

Just The Facts

  1. Batman Begins is sort of like Batman: Year One, which tells of Batman's early years as a crime fighter.
  2. It stars Christian Bale and Katie Holmes, as well as some other actors that we can't remember. Like that Gary bloke. What's his full name again?
  3. Turns out it was just what the franchise needed and was considered one of the best films featuring a grown man dressed as a bat.
  4. However, in later years, The Dark Knight arrived, and Batman Begins was unfortunately forgotten by many.
  5. Shame really, it's not that bad.
  6. GARY OLDMAN! That's it. Sorry, remembered it eventually. Okay, we can crack on now.

Batman? Who's Batman?

You fool! You don't know who Batman is? HA! You're the only person in the world ever in a billion years who doesn't know who the freakin Batman is!

This is you! You, the person who doesn't know Batman!

Well, we should fill you in! Batman/Bruce Wayne was created as a character in 1939 by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, and was known then as "The Bat-Man". He had red tights, no gloves, a simple mask and giant wings. Whilst not the most intimidating character, the creators continued onwards, undeterred by the fact that he looked really gay. They changed certain aspects, by giving him the cowl with the pointed ears, some gloves, replacing the red tights with grey ones (much manlier) and giving him a cape instead of wings. Eventually, happy with their image, The Bat-Man was given his own stories.

"OH SHIT, IT'S THAT DAMN FLYING ELEPHANT, DUMBO!"
"Consarn it! That ain't Dumbo, it's some sort of Bat-man!"

The Film Franchise

Back in the 1960's, there was a legend amongst the people, who would later be known for "The Bat Dance" and "Shark Repellent Spray". His name was Adam West, and he was Batman for a period of time on television. The series was camp and corny, but not quite as camp and corny as the feature film "Batman: The Movie", which may be the best film ever made, purely for clever and thought provoking sequences like this:

Some days, you just can't get rid of crappy script writers

In 1989, Tim Burton (later known for film adaptations that ruined any entertaining features of the stories they were based on) made "Batman" starring Jack Nicholson and Michael Keaton. By the order of their names, you'd assume Nicholson was playing Batman, right? Wrong, he played The Joker, which, let's face it, is a much better character for drawing in public interest. Primarily because his portrayal reminded us all of that uncle that only shows up at Christmas, and inevitably causes the death of one person in the family. This film was followed up by "Batman Returns", still directed by Tim Burton. This film was dark, edgy and, at certain point, downright disturbing. No-one likes watching Danny Devito, but giving him flippers and calling him a Penguin? Man, that's all kinds of fucked up!

Since Warner Brothers were getting increasingly worried about Burton's sanity, they ditched him as director, and hired Joel Schumacher, the man behind "The Lost Boys". They obviously thought "Hey, if this guy can make Corey Feldman likeable, he can reinvent the Batman franchise, right?"

Oh man, we totally take back the Corey Feldman joke. He is cool!

Turns out Warner Brothers were wrong. Joel Schumacher created "Batman Forever", a film that redefined the phrase "fucking retarded". Want to watch Tommy Lee Jones jump around with latex caked on half of his face? How about Jim Carrey thrusting at the screen in green spandex? Well, you at least have to appreciate Val Kilmer and his ability to make any character he plays about as flat as his portfolio. No? Fair enough. This, for some reason, didn't stop them from bringing Joel back for "Batman and Robin", where they ditched Val Kilmer and gained George Clooney. Yeah, the guy from ER. As Batman. Alongside Arnold "Thick Austrian Accent" Schwarzenegger as Dr Victor Fries or Mr Freeze. They dropped the ball on this one. But hey, maybe they could have turned it around. A good script can make all these people watchable. Unfortunately, this is reality, and we were forced to sit through 2 hours of this:

That's right, Ahnuld! It still hurts!

All was lost. The franchise fell into hell and all scripts handed in between 1998 and 2003 were dismissed, due to the fact that Schumacher had drained the executives of the ability to give someone the benefit of the doubt. That or they were all shit. Then, in 2003, a miracle happened. Christopher Nolan and David S Goyer began work on a new Batman movie. This one called "Batman Begins", which would be a reboot of the series, dismissing everything that happened from 1960 to 1998. Take THAT failed media!

Batman Begins to sounds quite good

Batman Begins has a more realistic style to it that the previous films. A modified kevlar suit was used by Bruce Wayne as well as a Batmobile that was originally developed for use by the army. A darker approach was also in place, with Batman using fear as a weapon, as was always intended for the character, since walking up to someone whilst wearing a blue bat-cowl and grey tights, and politely asking them to stop shooting people wouldn't do much good in Gotham City.

"So, if you'll all just leave quietly, there won't be any need to call the police. Thanks."

An all star cast helped, really, with the likes of Gary Oldman (well remembered), Liam Neeson (weak role, but never mind) and Morgan Freeman. This was a Batman film the fans could really dig into. The plot revolves around Bruce Wayne coming to terms with his parents deaths (seriously, get over it, jeez!) and accepting the role of Batman to protect the citizens of Gotham from people like Scarecrow (played excellently by Cillian Murphy) and Ras Al Ghul (Not asian in this version!). This was an odd choice for a villain, since the character is meant to be immortal (sort of). They still managed to pull it off, by casting Ken Watanabe as the Decoy Ras and Liam Neeson as the real Ras, since they're basically twins!

We can't see a difference, it's like one of them is standing by a mirror!

Why was Batman Begins so cool?

Well it certainly wasn't Christian Bales voice! We won't suger-coat it, he sounds like has throat cancer. There, we said it! No, the reason it was so cool was this scene (obviously not the only reason, but it's the perfect ending):

The annoying thing is, The Joker can't play Gin Rummy with that deck anymore!

The Joker card reveal made every fanboy in the audience ejaculate, scream, cry and punch the air at the same time, which is a difficult feat indeed! This pretty much assured fans that there would be a sequel, even if someone had to drag Christopher Nolan around with a car!