Cabbage Patch Dolls

Cabbage Patch Kids were cloth dolls created in 1978. Their sole purpose is to scare the ever-living crap out of children, making their souls vulnerable for harvest so that they can feed the kid's capitalist war machine.

Relax Billy.  Soon you will feel nothing.

Just The Facts

  1. Cabbage Patch Kids were created by Debbie Morehead and Xavier Roberts in 1978.
  2. The dolls were one of the most popular toy fads of the eighties, proving that to make your kids want to eat their vegetables, you just have to tell them that they might also be eating a baby along with them.
  3. Over the years, the kids have been owned by Hasbro, Mattel, Toys "R" Us, and Play Along.

Cracked on Cabbage Patch Dolls

Let's get one thing straight here. We're willing to allow for the fact that some people think that these wanna be Chuckie dolls are cute. These people constitute about the same ratio that believe that Gary Busey is really Jesus Christ and that the second coming is already upon us. Theses people believe that they provide comfort. And sure, they probably are a hell of a lot more comfortable than sleeping with Barbies, and result in a lot less blindings and puncturings of the ear canal. But that's about the only thing that's comfortable about these demon children. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with one of these things staring you right in the face.

Cabbage Patch


How the Soul Harvesting Works

Cracked's understanding of the mechanics of soul harvesting is rudementary at best. Study began after we noticed large numbers of pre-pubescent girls gradually lost the will to live shortly after attending a Jonas Brothers concert. However, it appears that these little bastards have a different way of stealing our souls than Disney's latest attempt to induce little girl orgasms.

As is our understanding, Cabbage Patch Dolls operate much like Dementors. You know, the things that look like reverse clan members in Harry Potter? Don't pretend that you don't know what we're talking about in an attempt to look cool. It's okay. We're all friends here.

First, the doll induces fear in it's prey. It's pretty obvious how. The fear paralyzes the defenses surrounding the soul, which suprisingly enough, are located in the reproductive organs. Each doll is equiped with an advanced soul harvesting vacuum located in, you guessed it, their eyes. Once the kid is properly scared, there is little he or she can do to escape eternal unrest as their soul becomes a feast for the little peice of shit.

soul harvesting

Checkmate Billy. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Special Types of Cabbage Patch Dolls

Porcelain Cabbage Patch Kids

Taking away the only good thing about Cabbage Patch, the comfort. Amazingly these things are even better at harvesting souls than their brothers, despite the fact that they lack the ability to get emotionally close to their victims.


Talking Cabbage Patch Kids

....We're scared. These things aren't the "pull the string and I'll talk to you" kind of dolls. These are the "touch sensors, computer chips, infared beams, so I can communicate with my brethren and we can coordinate the systematic takedown of your insignificant civilization" kind of dolls. The bastards need to be destroyed. It's either us or them. This is what the terminator movies were warning us about people.

2008 Presidential Candidate Kids

Why the hell would you even want one?

"Hey Susie! Wanna come over after school and see my Obama Cabbage Patch?!"

"Sure Lucy! I'll bring my Sarah Palin doll and we can discuss the state of health care and illegal immigration while you make idol promises about change and I stand there like an idiot and tell you that I'm the right choice cause I'm a maverick!"


"Hey Lucy, what's a maverick?"

political cabbage patch