Books For Dummies

1. Christian Prayer for Dummies

People have been following some religion or other since the dawn of man. From Zeus (or Saturn for you Roman-based mythology folks), to the Christian God, to Allah and Buddah, humans have always had a voracious need to communicate with their Deity of choice. It seems as though Christians, who have been around for nearly 2000 years, are having a bit of difficulty with this age old process.

Now, in most Christian 'sects', such as Baptist, Methodist, etc., You'll often hear the phrase "you can talk to God at any time, in any way, and He'll hear you." Christianity, on the surface, appears to be one of the most laxidazical, yet one of the most strict, religions. Especially if you take into account the ritualistic aspects of the Catholics.

Here's a fun exerpt from the book:

"Even the most saintly of people, be it Evangelist Billy Graham, the pope, or my mother, never have it fully mastered. In fact, prayer is something akin to a greased pig at a county fair - often persued, but rarely grasped."

Call us old fashioned, but we don't think God would want to be likened to a greased pig when it comes to conversing with him.

2. Composting for Dummies

Pop Quiz kids!! What do you get when things decompose?

That's right!! Dirt!

In this oddly in-depth volume, even you dummies can learn how to make dirt. What are the many benefits of dirt, you might ask? Well, this book will tell you that it's definitely good for planting things. You can plant flowers, and vegetables, and even grow your lawn. Which you will, of course, have to mow more often now that you've got this fabulous new dirt.

"You can't fail at composting. Isn't that a nice thing to know at the start of a project? Organic matter will rot no matter what you do. Fuss over it daily or ignore it for months; it doesn't matter."

It's no secret that compost is extremely helpful in many ways, including a reduction of shit that goes in your local landfill. The fact of the matter, though, is that compost is simply nothing more than organic material sitting in a pile...and rotting. The best part of this is that it will do this anyway! All you have to do is put it in a pile. Preferrably a pile far away from the house. The stench will definitely piss off your wife.

3. Fitness Walking for Dummies

This title will certainly get your blood pumping. We are assuming that you aren't a parapalegic. Sorry Mr. Hawking.

Not only will this book teach you how to walk, assuming you are human, and mobile, it will show you how to do it outside or maybe even on a treadmill. If you always wanted to know what to do when you get out of bed in the morning, and consequently piss yourself because you don't make it to the bathroom, this book is for you.

Really? A book for walking? Really?!! How many fuck-tards have actually bought this thing?

4. Outsourcing for Dummies

Finally, a book for dumbass, yet frugal, CEO in all of us.

While sometimes, supposedly, outsourcing is necessary and somehow fiscally responsible, it often irritates nearly all Americans. At some point in all of our lives, we have been impacted by outsourcing in some form or another. For a lot of us, it's the friendly Indian chap named Rajishahesh...I mean Frank.

A sentence from the book:

"They discovered that when you're outsourcing, you actually have to pay attention to the services and how the supplier proposes to deliver them."

In the event that you, as a dummie, find yourself in a decision making role, and subsequently have to make a decision on outsourcing, this book is for you. Think about all things you might learn about this enthralling process, such as paying attention.

5. Physics for Dummies

This title of the series is perhaps on of the most questionable. There just aren't that many dummies that are going to really understand the depth of physics, even if outlined in such a manner that a child would be able to grasp the concepts.

The entire idea of a college level advanced course, such as Physics, being outlined in a book for Dummies is pushing the concept just a tad too far. Einstein and Stephen Hawking (sorry about the Fitness Walking for Dummies man, that sucks) have spent an entire lifetime comtemplating, studying, doing math, giving up sex, giving up other pleasures in life, in order to understand the intricacies involved in physics.

A mere dummy could certainly have no hope of proving string theory, time travel, or even something simple like finding a way to access the fourth dimension.

6. Sex for Dummies

Perhaps the fan-favorite of this entire series of books, this title alone as spawned a new generation of young readers. Though most of them are now reading in the hopes of seeing a boob, drawn or otherwise. Also, because their parents have restricted their access to internet porn.

This is the penultimate manual on all things lovemaking. With a hottie like Dr. Ruth penning this gem, how could you go wrong? Here is the most sound advice for the carnally challenged:

"To cure himself of his problem, the man has to learn to recognize that moment when he can't stop his orgasm. He does this by practicing getting right up to that point and then stopping."

She recommends lots of practice in this area. Thanks to this book, there is now a whole platoon of men out there, many of whom are self-concious about how long they last, who now have an exercise that will practically guarantee blue balls.

If you're sexually challenged, need a few tips, or don't know the ins-and-outs (pun intended) of the vagina, this is the perfect book for you.