Tanning comes in different forms, sun, sun bed, spray. A judicious combination of techniques will ensure that you too can be the best looking Guido on the cancer ward.

Invasion of the Lizard People

Just The Facts

  1. Tanning is your bodies desperate attempt to protect your pasty, basement dweller skin from the overvoltaged lightbulb in the sky
  2. Anyone can get sunburn.
  3. It fucking hurts.

The Sun

Also known as the natural approach to tanning. The technique is simplicity itself - just go outside on a day leave your game of WOW and go outside. Even if that means waiting in line on a sunny day for Halo: Reach. Then reward yourself by going home and playing it all day/night long.

More like sunbutt

The downside of the natural approach to tanning is that the sun does not have a dimmer switch. And it really doesn't give a flying fuck if you incinerate or not. Your body is far to stupid to allow for sensible tanning. By the time your body bothers to let you know you have taken too much sun, you are glowing like Chernobyl on the day of the meltdown.

Nothing like nuclear grade skin


Ahh the sound of fresh sizzling skin. Sunbed tanning is a very common form of tanning today. Just ask the Jersey Shore crew. All you gotta do is shove yourself in an oven for 15 minutes and sizzle. When you come out you'll be a nice shade of Guido Orange. You'll be accepted by everyone on the beach that looks just like you. Thats the only way they dont feel bad about themselves. But it;s not always your fault i you take it too far. Scientists say tanning is an addiction once you do it enough. You'll be the Amy Whinehouse of tanning if you try hard enough.

Just look at my link below on skin cancer. Not a very good thing.

Spray Tan

This is by far the safest method of tanning. You can cover every part of your body that you usually cant on the beach...a regular beach that is. All you do is get in a tiny room, and have a paint-like substance shot out at you. Just be sure to close your mouth. If you want to get a nice tan without the harmful effects or are to lazy to lay on a beach for hour on end, then this is for you. You might not get the same acceptance from snookie if you were to stay in a tanning bed for hours, but you'll look the same without the harmful effects.

The Nasty Shit

Well all these options for tanning sound good, but too much sun will turn you into a leathery, guidoed out reject. If you must get a quick tan go with the spray tan. Just dont hurt yourself and remeber, get off the couch and go outside for a little sun. Then you can return to your all important facebook social life.

Dont end up like this