Tanning

The art of exposing your delicate skin to a nuclear reactor to persuade it to change from dull white to brown.)

Every little helps.

Eh, what?

Tanning is back in fashion, yet again. Because, lets face it, there are very few women, and no men, that can rock the peaches and cream complexion look.


One exception.

It is far, far easier on magazine airbrush artists for the models being photographed to tint their skin, tans helping to hide the imperfections and blotches that all skin is prey to. And of course, if it is in a fashion magazine, it must be fashionable, no matter how bad for you it is. This is known as readers being gullible morons, or the lemming effect.


The fashion industry in action.

Types of tanning

So, you are determined to get a tan, to give you the gravitas and respect you deserve. Or maybe to give at least the illusion of being the outdoorsy athletic type.

Pro-tip: Never GIS "tanned athletic bodies" with safesearch off.

Which type of tan do you go for? Your tan says a lot about your pride in your body, sexual availability, politics and intelligence. Wait - politics? What?

Spray Tan

The so called safe way to an instant tan, it is quick, easy and cheap. And looks really cheap unless applied by an expert. We'll give you a hint here - you are not an expert. You can't even spray Miracle Whip into your mouth accurately, never mind paint onto your body. You are going to wind up a mass of orange streaks, sort of like a particularly retarded tiger.

Apparently it also comes in overdone bronze.

Fake Tan

Also known as tanning pills, they trick the body into producing more melanin, giving you a smooth, natural tan. Theoretically.

Work Tan

Beach Bunny Tan

Also known as the perfect tan.

The Perfect Tan

Melanoma City Tan

Hide Tanning