President Garfield

James A. Garfield was the once the president of The United States of America. You don't who he is or anything about him because he was assassinated in the first year of his term. You know, before he had a chance to do anything.

Don't stare too long, you might lose your soul

Just The Facts

  1. 20th President of the U.S.A.
  2. 2nd President to be assassinated
  3. Was ambidextrous allowing him to write in Latin and in Greek at the SAME TIME.
  4. Only member of Clergy to ever become President
  5. You have never heard of the guy.
  6. When you read "Garfield" you thought this was a new book about a fat orange cat.

The Man

Basically the last President to be born in a log cabin in Ohio. He was raised by his mother and from an early age he was something of a Jack of All trades, being knowledgable in a variety of things. For a while he was even a preacher, but eventually he saw the light and went into politics.

When the Civil War broke out, Garfield was a Senator in Ohio. Deciding that shooting at dirty rebs was funnier than trying to pass legislation (which would have been easier since most of the Democrates had left the country) and enlisted in the Union army.

Garfield in a Uniform

I don't know if it's the beard or the eyes or the fact that he died violently, but damn he's creepy

Strange fact, but if you join the army after being an elected into public office and it's the 1800's...you automatically get a command position. Garfield made it to the rank of Brigadier General, which is like a normal General but with 12 extra hit points and level 8 charisma.

A decade and a half after the war, the Republicans went with Garfield as their candidate, because everyone hated him less than the alternatives, an electorial trend which is still in place today.

The Assassination (the reason you might know him)

Garfiled Gets Shot, his 56th book.

President Garfield was shot by Charles Guiteau on July 2nd. Garfield died two months later. At his trial, Guiteau went with the novel defense that he "just shot him, the doctors killed him." Sadly, this might be true as the first doctors on the scene tried to remove the bullet with dirty 1800's hand.

Guiteau was batshit insane. If Guiteau was tried today, he would have probably gotten off on the insanity plea--in fact he would have been committed earlier if not for his father lack of money. Ouch!

One of the Garfield adminstration's goals was to push Civil Reform (Stop giving government jobs to unqualified people). Guiteau shot Garfield because he was refused the honor of being the ambassador to France, and if you wondering if Guiteau was qualified to be the French ambassador, the answer is no.

This may explain why the Republicans gave Micheal Brown FEMA.

His Legacy?

There might be a memorial in Ohio, but other than that....well, just ask a hundred people if "they know Garfield" and if more than ten people mention anything presidential...you're probably a Jeparody producer.

sorry President Garfield

On behalf of the 21-century, I am sorry James Garfield.

Suggestions for Remembering Pres. Garfield

1.) Remember that he was assassinated.

2.) His assassin was once part of a Sex Cult. (I didn't even know they had sex in 1880)

3.) Unlike most Presidential hopefulls, Garfield didn't really want the job that bad.

4.) Nicer than Garfield the Cat.

5.) Read Sarah Vowell's book Assasination Vacation. HIlarious.