Brutal Legend

Brutal Legend features voice acting by Jack Black. Some of the game's notable features include intense artwork, heart-stopping gameplay, and GIANT FLAMING MONSTERS THAT WILL CRUSH YOUR SOUL INTO THE FIRES OF OBLIVION. And other shit.

Fire? Check? Giant Monster? Check? Boobies? CHECK!

Just The Facts

  1. This game features voice acting by the lead singer of Tenacious D (and all-around badass) Jack Black.
  2. The game is a mixture of button-mashing, RTS, and hot Goth, Emo, and Metal chicks (surprisingly, "hot goth, emo, and metal chicks" is not an oxymoron).
  3. Online Stage Battles SUCK.

The Story of Brutal Legend

The Main Story

The story of the game starts with a roadie named Eddie Riggs who looks shockingly similar to Jack Black. Oh, by the way, he's voiced by Jack Black. He's the lead roadie of a group that is every reason you hate today's Top 20 thrown into one, squeaky-voiced pre-pubescent tween band. It may as well be called The Hannah Montana Linkin Nickel Brothers. Everything is fine and Eddie is just grinding out the days until the stage TURNS INTO A GIANT FUCKING MONSTER and commences to destroy anything within a five-mile radius of the concert with its fire breath and gigantic horns. After Eddie has his little "WTF?!!?!?!?!!one11?!!?" moment, he wakes up in a flaming temple surrounded by scary dudes in black cloaks. Thankfully, his guitar can set people on fire (a desirable trait, no doubt) and he then blows up the temple with nothing but pure, refined awesome. Once the temple is destroyed, Eddie hooks up with his hot Emo girlfriend (once again, not an oxymoron) Ophelia and gets the hell outta Dodge with the help of his car. This car is powered by the gods of rock, and can shoot like OMG over 9000 bullets per second out of its grille. It's also quite beautiful.

Mmhmm. That's VERY nice. Oh yeah. By the way, there's a car in this picture.

Afterwards, the two head to Bladehenge, A.K.A. a giant sword made of stone sticking out in the middle of a shitty-looking wasteland. There, Lars and his little sister bitch and moan to Eddie about how they can't save their own home by themselves, and Eddie goes all badass on this other dude General Lionwhyte. After breaking down the entire home of Glam Rock once and for all, everyone thinks they're done until this dude Emporer Doviculus (this guy is fucking creepy) comes up and straight-up deadifies Lars TO THE MAX. Then, Eddie decides that it's probably a good idea to GTFO and ditches town with Lar's little sister. Oh, and then Ophelia starts crying. A lot. And she like turns black and can fly-hover-cry-even-more now. Yeah. So Eddie and the crew start beating up Emos like it's nobody's business (THE WAY GOD INTENDED) and eventually team up with the hottest women ever in what is basically the Amazon. Eventually, they get to the Sea of Black Tears, the home of all of the Emos. EVAR. And, once he gets there, he finally gets to go karawak on Ophelia's ass and declares that ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. However, Doviculus shows up shortly after and issues a regal clusterfuck to Eddie's system, summoning two giant stone-wall-tower things that have mouths. After killing before-mentioned tower things, Eddie goes and kills Doviculus in the face, all set to the sweet and sultry sounds of Judas Priest's "Painkiller."

Thank god for guitars that shoot fire and giant lightning bolts at bad guys. The world would suck without them.

The Side Quests

Now here is what really cucks a sock about Brutal Legend: The side quests are just plain terrible. They would be fine if it wasn't the same thing. Over. And over. Again. The only good things about side quests are that you get fire tributes for completing them, and you get the opportunity to meet up with the conductor of the Crazy Train, Ozzy Osbourne, and the Rage-Kage of Tenacious D, Kyle Gass. The side quests are split up into four main categories: Hunting, Sneak Attack, Racing, Cannonier, and The Death Rack.

Hunting: Quite possibly the worst missions, these have you dealing with an incompetent douchenozzle and beating his records at killing crap.

Sneak Attack: Somewhat annoying, but are tolerable due to the fact that once you learn the "Bring it All Home" solo, they effectively take five seconds to complete.

Racing: These are actually somewhat fun, but if you miss a single marker, you're instantly screwed over.

Cannonier: It's like: "Hey, here's your car, but instead of letting you use those front-mounted homing rockets like anyone with have a brain would, you get to call in mortar strikes." Goddamn you, Cannonier.

The Death Rack: Just shoot me.

"Sup, bro. I'm here to make your life miserable."

The Characters

The Main Characters

Eddie Riggs:His proper name: Eddie FUCKING Riggs.

This guy is the main character of the game. He manages somehow, like Jack Black, to be simultaneously badass and hilarious. He has a magic guitar. And a huge flaming axe. He is the sacred defender of Metal and the son of Riggnorak. Did I mention he has a magic guitar and a huge flaming axe?

Ophelia:

Ophelia is Eddie's HAWT girlfriend. She was abandoned by her parents, who both drank from the Sea of Black Tears and started hating their parents and listening to My Chemical Romance. After she goes all apeshit and Eddie tells her to GTFO, she drowns in the Sea of Black Tears and looks like this:

Still surprisingly HAWT in a very strange way.

Lars Halford:

Lars is a punk bitch disguised as the King of Bladehenge. Takes all of the glory for Eddie winning all of his battles for him. Gets rightfully PWNT by Lord Doviculus.

Lita Halford:

Possibly one of the most annoying characters in the game, Lita has a knack for making other chicks feel unloved by their boyfriends and then go and dive into the Sea of Black Tears. We're looking at you, Ophelia. All the time. Her only real positive effect on the game can be summed up in one word: Boobies.

Lord Doviculus:

Lord Doviculus is a supreme mofo who don't take shit from no one, no how. He has a double-ended spear (lulz) and has teh magic sauce. Also, he's the supreme lord of all that is evil. But no biggie.