The Media

We live in a world of death, blood, murder and war. So it's a good thing the media is there to remind us of that fact instead of distract us or cheer us up.

Just The Facts

  1. The media was born in conditions not unlike those in the swamps of Siberia
  2. It has become a global phenomenon, taking control over at least 95% of the Earth
  3. The media provides us with entertainment, information....and.....uh....entertainment!
  4. If the media took a physical form, we deduce that it would resemble something similar to the Death Star from the popular franchise "Star Wars".
  5. Nothing fucks with the media and gets away with it!

Aspects of the media

The media takes on many forms to confuse us and lull us into a false sense of security. Nothing trustworthy ever came from the media, no matter what anyone else tells you. Below is a list of different aspects of the media, each one more filthy and intrusive than the last!

The News

The news is an integral part of the human world, ensuring that we all know what's going on in every other part of the world. It doesn't matter if it affects us or not, we're going to hear about it! Why? Because the media says so! Broadcast news and written news is there purely to entertain us, so to speak. This is shown most prominently by Fox News.

With help from this asshole

What better way to give us un-necessary information than with flashy graphics, dynamic theme tunes and seemingly friendly reporters who turn out to be complete dickheads (see above). Unfortunately, this format doesn't really work when the biggest story of the day involves, say, terrorism. It's sort of along the same lines as Santa Claus telling you your parents are dead. Sure, his jolly attitude and pudgy physique may numb the blow, but it doesn't change the fact that a horrible situation has occured.

He's here to tell you that you didn't get the promotion or the raise! Fuzzy bastard!

As you may have noticed, we mentioned that the news gives us useless information. This is, unfortunately, true. On a day to day basis, we're are told that a man has shot his family to death, a squad of soldiers has been blown up and a school has been closed for having an anti-christian attitude. Now, we aren't suggesting that the things we have just mentioned happen every day, but similar happenings show up on the news all the time. These events don't always affect us, so why do we need to hear them? Probably to make a select number of people feel like their life isn't really THAT bad. Depressing? Sure, but extremely likely.

Film and Television

Let's face it, television has always been crap and the film industry has been on the decline since Godfather part 2! Sure, every now and then, something good comes along that makes everyone think "Hey, maybe there's hope for our world of entertainment after all!" but usually they're one hit wonders. For every "Extras", there are one hundred variations of "Big Brother". Every time "Toy Story" gets a sequel, "Shrek" gets twelve!

"It'll last foreveeeeeeer! PROMISE!"

Usually television is used as a distraction from world events. Whilst this is true, the concept makes absolutely fuck-all sense, considering the news usually comes on after each programme, basically reminding everyone that they're about to be killed by a rapist with AIDs. Essentially, the programmes made to distract us have to be completely stupid in order to keep us in order. "X Factor" or "America's Got Talent" spring to mind. War in Iraq? Swine Flu on a rampage in Sweden? Don't worry, Simon Cowell is here to show off his pudgy little face while he bullies people of lesser intelligence (possibly with mental disabilities).

Hollywood is even worse. All the work that was put into films like "The Gold Rush" and "Citizen Kane" is now dismissed by directors and writers to make way for "Scary Movie 4" and "Basic Instinct 2", which both probably took very little intellectual input. Hell, smearing paper with shit is more creative than most of the tripe in cinemas at the moment. LOOKING AT YOU, TWILIGHT"!

We're not sure what they're saying, so we'll just assume it's a dick joke. HA!

Music

Apart from the odd subliminal message, music is sort of free from manipulation by the media, paticularly music by artists who know how bullshit meddling isn't going to help their art. Still, there are two rules when it comes to music videos that the media always follow: 1. If it's a female artist, slap either an odd or skimpy dress on her and make her dance around half naked. 2. If it's a male artist, tell him to smoulder with some sort of emotion whenever the camera goes past him. He also has to close his eyes and tilt his head back when singing the chorus for the last time.

Just like this douchebag

Videogames

We're betting at least 90% of you play videogames or have played videogames, and you know what can happen when one gains a certain amount of success. A certain amount of success that leads to an inferior sequel that's been tampered with by certain developers. Videogames are a good way to get messages across to the audience. The "Metal Gear" series, for example, is mainly about pacifism. Now, some of you are probably saying "Yeah, that's right, especially with all the guns and shooting and death!" Well, you're right on a certain level. See, the actions of the character are based on the players decision. Whilst you go around shooting terrorist while they're pissing, Hideo really wanted you to sit back and ponder the meaning of war. There are also some pretty heavy "NO NUKE" tones in there, but that's pretty obvious.

Pictured: Peace and Love

The Internet

Ah, we've reached the internet. Considering the internet is still technically a new development, it has a solid grasp on humanity. We imagine that, without the internet, society would collapse and revert back to the old times, where killing another man was necessary and hunting food was normal (here's hoping!). Whilst this may sound extremely unreasonable, we're probably right. Humanity seems to have developed a dependence for the internet, almost like a baby developing a dependence for its parents. Do we need the internet? No, but try telling that to WoW players!

Dear god, they heard us! RUN EVERYONE, RUN!

Honestly, without the internet, we're done for. No more wikipedia for quick and useful information. No more youtube to look at people getting kicked in the nuts (we'll have to do it ourselves, which seems like a lot of effort). No more LOLCATS! If this is the future, we're done for. Game over