Magnum
If, for some reason, Bruce Willis needed to fight the devil atop an asteroid hurtling to Earth, he'd probably use a .44 Magnum.
Just The Facts
- The .44 Magnum is both Clint Eastwood's best friend, and favorite sex toy.
- The .44 has a bigger brother: The .500 Magnum.
- You may now start shitting your pants, if you wish. But know that it will never be enough.
Genesis
For six straight days God gave birth to all of creation. And then, on the 7th day, he rested. He looked down at all the life he had created, and promptly decided that he needed something to kill all of it. So on the little known eighth day, Magday, he forged steel into chaos, and Mankind did rejoice, for he held in his hand the ultimate phallic symbol.
The .44 Magnum is actually the name of the bullet as well as the gun that fires it. Both of them are designed to work against anything with a heartbeat (even dragons, especially dragons,) because some psychotic sumbitch decided he really needed a more portable elephant-killer. For a long time, it languished in obscurity. Some say it was impractical, over-powered, and even ludicrous. The public was too scared to touch it, until one man stepped up to the rock and pulled out his Excalibur.
Enter Clint Eastwood.
Clint Eastwood was one of the first people to show the world that the .44 Magnum is meant to be used by men on other men (what? What's so funny? Jesus, get your mind out of the gutter: We're not talking about anything gay here; we're talking about long hard shafts and how they can best be used to penetrate other men.)
The .44 has an accuracy spread of only three inches at 50 yards. Since the chest of your average human being (or Terminator, depending on how awesome your hobbies are,) is substantially more than 3 inches, you just need to aim in something's general direction to make it go away in the most extravagant fashion possible.
Revelation
Around 2003, somebody decided they needed something bigger than a .44, presumably so they could put bullet holes in time itself. They upped the size of the bullet, resulting in a cartridge so big that it can double as a strap-on - and oh, believe us, it will. Thus, the .500 Magnum.
The steel Thermos of death.
The .500 cartridge delivers 3,000 pound-feet of torque. Your average BMW has about 300 pound-feet of torque, so getting shot with a .500 Magnum is the equivalent of getting hit by 10 BMWs at the same time, in the same place. And since each bullet is the size of a fucking brick, that place is in the general vicinity of everywhere. As an added bonus, if the gun misfires you can just pick the bullet up and beat your target to death with it
Holy. Shit.
While the .500 Magnum is rather appropriate for the primary purpose of killing the crap out of everything, most armed forces - military, police, Texans - don't use them. See, an integral part of a fire-fight is the ability to shoot fairly fast. If there's more than one target, or if you miss, most people like to try again, rather than shrugging their shoulders and just surrendering to death. With the Magnum, "fast" means about one shot per minute, during which time you're likely trying to put your shoulder back in its socket and pick pieces of whatever you just shot out of your eye. So maybe Dirty Harry wasn't the most efficient or practical policeman, but at least he was the most appropriately named policeman on the force: You do get rather filthy when every trigger-pull covers you in the bowels of the guy in front of you, and the contents of the bowels of everybody else within 50 yards.
This article is full of BS. Given the title of the article, how about explaining what the concept of magnum cartridges are?
ReplyYou're also comparing muzzle energy to torque, which is nonsense. Just because they're written in the same units doesn't mean they're necessarily comparable.
Why don't you do some research instead of pulling out "facts" from movies and your brown starfish?
i love this article
ReplyHas anyone designed a submachine gun using the 0.500 round?
ReplyThere is, it's called a Kriss super V. It normally fires .45, buy can be upped to .500 if you have a tiny penis.
not trolling here, but why is the .500 not simply called the .5?
ReplyI think that is the precision it must be made. If you only said 0.5, the manufacturer might think that 0.569 or 0.512 is ok. Those small differences might make it either too small or big to fit into the gun. There's a tolerance to that 0.500 but of course, only the manufacturers care.
It's actually to differentiate between different types of ammunition having the same diameter. For example, what is generally known as .50 caliber is the ammunition that goes into the browning machine gun and barrett anti-materiel rifles. These are rounds that at 1000 yards have more energy than a .500 magnum does at point blank range. In addition, there is another pistol round that also measures .50, known as the .50 short. It really does not have much to do with tolerances, Some calibers are called different things just to distinguish them from each other. For example, the .38 special, .38 super, and .357 magnum are all the same diameter, and a .357 magnum revolver will fire all 3 cartridges without any problems
on the plus side you can use your .500 mag as a handy AA battery dispenser
ReplyIs the 0.50 magnum the one loaded in the Desert Eagle? I've read in a Guns and Ammo magazine who hunt deer with these high caliber handgun. Even got a scope attached.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNo, the desert eagle shoots .357, .44 magnum, or .50 short. As far as I know, the only .500 magnums are revolvers. You can even hunt deer with a .357, though. I would recommend the scope, and you have to use the right kind of bullet, or you'll have to track the animal after you wound it. I use to know a guy, who would hunt deer with a bow and arrow, or sneak up on them and stab them with a hunting knif. One time a dove flew into the shop where we worked, and he grabbed a piece of conduit, a nail, and made a little cone around the rear of the nail. Instant blowgun. Next thing I knew, he was plucking it.
@ young brave yeah all that shoot the 500 are revolvers but .50 beowulf, fired out of AR style platforms, is more or less a 500 S&W anyway.
Thanks guys!;)
The problem with the Mag is that it's a revolver.
ReplyIt would be man kinds best interest to develop a semi-automatic magnum in prep for that Alien invasion that's coming in a few years time.
There are several semiautomatic .44 magnums. One was featured in a Dirty Harry movie. The .44 magnum automag. I don't think they make it anymore. The other is the Desert Eagle, which is kind of impractical really. Too muzzle heavy for my taste. I like .40's and .45's.
The Auto Mag didn't use .44 Magnum bullets but custom made bullets call .44AMP (Stands for Auto Mag Pistol). Pretty much the same but used a case that would feed better in a automatic. They also made a Auto Mag V that used the .50 AE used in the Desert Eagle thats also discontinued. The problem is the bullets are so powerful they turn most automatics into marshmallow.
F!@k, that girl in the video almost got hit in the face with the gun when it recoiled. You know, if I'm in such a desperate situation that I've got hold of a gun and am actually firing it, getting a broken nose is not really the outcome I'm aiming for. How in the world could a human actually hold and aim that thing and manage to fire with any degree of accuracy?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI don't think that thing is supposed to be fired by a human. It's more intended for use by terminators, RoboCop, or Bruce Willis.
Accuracy? You want accuracy from a .500? Get a pistol. You want a hole? A .500 can get you that. Anywhere.
I once saw a shooting demonstration and this guy uses the .500 magnum. He shot a watermelon and it exploded. Take that, Gallagher!
The .500 magnum doesn't sound logical. If the bullets are the size of bricks, I cant imagine how hard it must be to lift or carry the gun. It'd be like one of those military weapons that has a stand. And what about the recoil? That'd really blow you back. Sounds like Marvel comics' Ultimate Nullifier, destroys everything including the user.
ReplyI think that may have been a joke. The .500 magnum cartridge is 0.500 inches in diameter (hence, the name) - so it's much larger than your typical 9mm, but is still only half an inch across. It's actually the same calibre as the .50AE desert eagle in terms of the diameter of the cartridge - it just holds slightly more powder to give it a bit more power - not that it needs it!
Boobs are the opposite of manly!
ReplyMoobs,however, are not ^.^
I disagree sir. If you are manly, you love boobs.
I liked the inclusion of Texans as an armed force. As a proud Texan, I approve of this message.
ReplyAnd... uhh... NObama, I love cowboys, OU sucks, damn yankees + other stereotypes.
I agree as well, even though I'm from Ohio. I like to think Texas as the place where badass was invented in a time when men wore makeup and wigs as a social status.
OU rules f**k texas
Man, I've got a .44 magnum and I've got to say, holy crap. I can't even really shoot it to tell you the truth. It is a beast. A weapon more appropriately mounted on top of a battleship than in my hands. I'm trying to sell it actually, because I haven't been invaded by dinosaurs or anything. I've got regular guns, to kill regular bad guys. Not whale sharks.
ReplyI collect revolvers and love high-caliber mayhem. Where do you live and what's the model?
I think if the dude who wrote this article made it any funnier thanks to the truths i'd be in wal-mart rite now picking out some new boxers becuase i just pissed myself laufhing. If God walked up to a rack of guns and had to choose which one to punish satan with he'd grab the .500 mag and say "this'll teach the bastard to keep his hands off my lightning rod"
Awesome article. The .500 cartridge isn't related to the .44 though. The big brother of the .44 Magnum is the .445 Super Magnum. The .454 and the .460 are also a step above the .44 Mag.
ReplyMy granddad Ollie's favorite gun was his .500 Magnum. (He collected guns and used them pretty regularly. My uncle and mom, unfortunately, did not inherit his awesomeness gene.)
ReplyUmmm, What?
The steel Thermos of death.
ReplyLol!
I heard that.
This is one of the funniest articles I've read. I don't often literally "laugh out loud". I did, multiple times. Thanks for managing an article putting over the awesome .44 magnum without insulting my 9mm a single time. Most can't seem to pull that off. As a matter of practicality, carrying a semi-automatic Beretta 9mm makes more sense.
ReplyBut a 9mm Beretta is way less awsome than Death's to do.
Thats funny, I was surfing the web and found this other hilarious site that has instead “Thats What She Said” Stories and Jokes from real people. There are super funny just google twssmoments and they should pop up first result.
Reply"It's an .88 Magnum. It shoots through schools."
Reply+1
Le-what?
Legitimate.
"They upped the size of the bullet, resulting in a cartridge so big that it can double as a strap-on - and oh, believe us, it will... As an added bonus, if the gun misfires you can just pick the bullet up and beat your target to death with it." lols at least it's recyclable. great article manhammer
ReplyAfter Dirty Harry came out, thousands of .44 Magnums were sold. Most were fired once and returned while their owners went to get their shoulders relocated.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI'm pretty sure the .500 can only be fired by Robocop without completely breaking off the user's arm.
And even Robocop knew well enough to use a 9mm. Then again he kept it in his thigh and that was the difference between "my leg's messed up" and "my leg just exploded."
I own a Smith and Wesson Model 500 revolver. I use it quite regularly and my arm doesn't break off. No, I'm not Conan the Barbarian or Godzilla, just some guy who only manages to bench 160.
Recoil: so bad, 2 hands, rubber grips, it's tolerable.