Maple Story

MapleStory is a *AHEM* free MMORPG developed by Wizet and published by many companies, the largest of which is Nexon.

Just The Facts

  1. MapleStory is a 2D MMORPG with over 100 million user accounts worldwide.
  2. As with any free MMORPG, you have to pay to get anything of value, from decent weapons and armor to haircuts and pets.
  3. Because of its sickening anime cuteness, MapleStory draws mainly preteens and older gentlemen pretending to be preteens.

Cracked on Maple Story

On the surface, MapleStory follows the basic formula of any MMORPG. You have your different classes, each their amazing strengths and obvious weaknessess. And each of these classes has numerous skills, with points to be distributed, all so entricately designed that you stop eating, stop sleeping, even stop having sex with your significant other (which is probably for the best, seeing as countless hours in front of the computer have left your reproductive organs withered and useless). But apart from that, MapleStory is very different from any other WOW-esque game.


Is it just us, our does it seem like the casts of Sailor Moon and Yu-Gi-Oh! had an orgy and this game was designed with the resulting mix of bodily fluid. And that mushroom? That's what you fight. That, and celery, and tree stumps, and pigs with bows on their heads. Tim Burton would be proud. Or horrified. We're honestly not...entirely...sure...

The amazing thing is that MapleStory manages to have the cocaine factor that we've come to expect from MMORPGs without technically requiring any of its users to pay one cent. So where do the publishers make their money? Well, after what we assume are countless years of tireless study, they came to realize the human beings hate other human beings who have better shit than them. This amazing breakthrough spurred a massive influx of various styles of armor, weapons, hairstyles, eyecolors, pets, and (we assume) sex toys, all of which obviously outstripped anything you could find in-game.


This blue snail only drops the simplest of vibrators.

Of course these items could only be purchased for real life cash money, and MapleStory users, under what we can only assume was the presumption that more gear meant a larger penis, were eager to buy.

But that wasn't enough. Oh no. To stay "current," "hip," and "with it," (as well as make more money) MapleStory has been rereleased with numerous updates, a recent example being Cygnus Knights, which opens a whole new tier of classes. In order to unlock and join the Cygnus Knights however, the user must create a new character, and most top-tier gear and weapons are non-transferrable, requiring the character to purchase new class-specific items. This update and others like it prevent any character from truly mastering the game, thus enslaving their minds for another couple of years, while continuing to shrink both their checkbooks and life-sustaining organs.