Cryptozoology

Cryptozoology is the study of and search for cryptids, like giant squid, rare deer, living dinosaurs and El Chupacabras.

Just The Facts

  1. Cryptozoology dances on a very fine line "between breaking" science and "pseudoscientific bullshit".
  2. Some cryptids are very real; Giant squids, Coelocanth and Suri Cruise
  3. Others are clearly made up or the product of superstition, like El Chupacabras, Mermaids and Kathy Griffin (shudder)

Cracked on Cryptozoology

Cryptozoology is a lot like religion; basically a good idea, but the load of stupid believers make it hard for anyone to take the smart people who actually have something useful to say seriously. It works this way for the same reason something amazing running on the front page of Scientific American is less likely to make headlines than something stupid running on the front page of the Enquirer; people are inherently stupid.

Sure, ancient fish are interesting and shit, but god DAMN, that Puerto Rican thing sucks goats!

Cryptid Group: Complete Bullshit

This group, while fun, is sadly overburdened with stuff no one but terrified locals and eccentric retards would ever believe in. Belief in them usually requires a tenuous grasp on reality, or a very real fear that goblins will one day steal you penis if you don't sacrifice small animals.

El Chupacabras

Literally the "goat sucker", stories chupacabras have been circulating since 1995. Appropriately, the name was coined by a Puerto Rican comedian (Silvio Perez), since the animal, as described, is pretty ridiculous. It is supposed to be a 3-4 foot tall reptilian creature with a row of spines running down its back, fangs, and a forked tongue. They supposedly hop like a kangaroo and drain animals dry.

This is understandably bad news for people in the country since they tend to be less educated and more prone to being scared shitless out of nothing, There have been countless photos and videos of supposed chupacabras, but they are without exception dead animals of much less interesting breeds; desiccated coyotes, dead badgers (see the video below) , or other quickly identifiable creature in various states of decay.

No. Seriously, No, It's not real. Get over it, Mulder.

However, people in Latin America take this thing seriously, and would most likely kick the author's ass for saying anyone who believes in it is a moron, so we will move on.

Mongolian Death Worth

The Mongolian Death Worm is supposed to be a large worm that looks like a 2 to 5 foot long piece of (evil) intestine, with the ability to strike people dead from a distance with either acid spray or an electrical discharge, making it equal parts completely awesome, and completely impossible. Luckily it supposedly haunts the Gobi desert, meaning that most of us would never have to worry about running into one. Unless you made a particularly bad turn and wound up in the desert on a different continent (which has only ever happened like, twice).

Oh, and if it doesn't kill you with electric acid (we said that, right?), it is so poisonous that touching it will kill you. Those Mongolians don't fuck around; when they say "death worm", they mean fucking death worm.

Also, the SyFy channel made an original movie called "Mongolian Death Worm" meaning that not only is it bullshit, but if it wasn't, it would be humiliated into extinction.

Jackalope

Jackalopes are from American Folklore, which means they are "incredibly retarded bullshit". They are believed to have been inspired by jack rabbits infected with the Shope papilloma virus. If you recognize the name, that's because the virus is related to HPV (human papilloma virus). Luckily for humans, our version "only" causes cancer.

While total bullshit, jackalopes pop up in novelty shops and trading posts all over America, since taxidermists apparently love disrespecting dead animals in new and varied ways.

Atmospheric Beasts

Did you know that there are gigantic, lighter-than-air monsters living in the sky? No? Because they aren't there. Some people sure think they do, but they don't. Accept it and move on with something less retarded, like breatharianism.

Fur-Bearing Trout

It's fuzzy and smells like fish. People made it up to make jokes about the cold water in Minnesota ("It's so cold, the fish grow fur"). Like the jackalope, there is a possibility that the legend is based on an animal with a horrible infection. Man, American folklorists must love all kinds of awful diseases. Paul Bunyan was probably some poor bastard with gigantism.

Flying Rods

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What do you get when you mix morons and photography? An easily explained "phenomenon" believed by thousands for years. Flyin grods were these amazing creatures that moved, like, super fast, and could only be seen on camera, since they moved way too fast for the human eye to see.

Incidentally, they looked exactly like a moth flying by a camera with a slow shutter. Which is amazing, since they can only be seen on film, and not by the naked eye. So they perfectly resemble a known problem with photography and filming, but must certainly be a new form of life, since the simplest explanation won't get you on Unsolved Mysteries or Sightings.

Cryptid Group: Possible Bullshit (but maybe not)

These are things that may be out there. Then again, they may be the result of huffing paint fumes and chasing it with mouthwash, but for now we can at least imagine that they are real, and that makes the world a bit more interesting.

Bigfoot (Sasquatch)

Sasquatch is a giant ape-man who lives in the Pacific Northwest, plays drums for Tenacious D, and is really into beef jerky.Oh, and there is some shit about the natives believing in giant wild men before white people showed up.

While science is pretty sure that the North American continent lacks the necessary environment for a sustainable population of Harrys (sans Hendersons), reports still crop up every few years ape people in various parts of the country. And there is a precedent in the fossil record for such a beast called gigantopithecus. So it probably isn't real, but it might be. Maybe.

Seriously, science, don't be an asshole. You have killed Nessie for us, leave us sasquatch.

Bunyip

The bunyip is an Australian cryptid that has the distinction of being neither a retardedly poisonous monster or giant arachnid. It is, however supposed to look like a gigantic cross between an emu and a crocodile, with similar features to a hippo and a manatee. There have supposedly been fossils to support claims that some sort of monster that could eat people (that isn't one of the 1000+ terrifying species already identified in the land down under) that belong to no other living species.

Just one of many reasons to leave Australia to the native demons and transsexuals.

Mokele-Mbembe

Do you recall that movie "Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend"? We didn't either until researching this, but apparently a crappy 80s movie trumped The Land Before Time in the arena of depressing stories about long-necked dinosaurs losing their mothers, except in this case, it was set in 1985 and starred the Great American Hero.

Evidence exists that makes this actually possibly not-stupid. There could be a real godamned dinosaur still alive in the African jungle; you just have to get past all the war, genocide, Ebola and giant murderous insects to get to them.

So good luck to anyone with balls far larger than their brains; we are sure to exploit them in a zoo shortly after their discovery.

Mapinguari

Cracked has previously tackled the giant sloth; showing us that tens of thousands of years reduced a once worthy scythe-wielding monster into a retarded dirty carpet with eyes. Well, if the tales of the mapinguari are real, there may be a honest-to-God giant sloth living and breeding in South American jungles. This is fucking awesome for us in the Northern Hemisphere, where they are not a danger in any way shape or form.

It is significantly less awesome if you live near the Amazon where they believe they hunt and kill humans. But we in America don't worry about the fears of brown foreigners as long as we get something entertain

Tatzelwurm

In southern Germany, they believe in a large dragon-like creature with arms and a reptilian body. Some people have suggested that there is, in fact, a giant (2-6 foot long) Bavarian version of the Mexican Mole Lizard living in central Europe. While that may be a cool idea, and it has not been dismissed as utter crap, the idea of armed dragons in the land that birthed Nazis is unsettling to say the least.